Honey Bees

I really don't remember what made me google honey bees. I mean, I know Emily has been talking to me about how they are dying. Actually, I think it was the sticker on my banana that said "I Love Your Heart", which got me thinking about bananas, and then local foods, and then how honeybees are disappearing.

So I came across a Save the Honeybees site. And it has this cute little thing to make your own bee. So I made a little bee and sent it to Emily, because I thought she'd like to see it, but then I wanted everyone else to see my cute little bee. So there it is. The product of 2 minutes selecting options. Enjoy!

My Dad is Awesome

About two weeks ago, I was talking to my dad online, just talking about being in Texas and stuff, telling him about adjusting and whatever, and how I had been watching a lot of Scrubs. And I also mentioned how I couldn't watch Corner Gas here, because they don't have cable, and I looked online, and you can only watch it online if you are in Canada, which I am not.

So then he told me he was ordering Corner Gas, and I told him he'd have to let my borrow them when he was done. He said they were headed for Texas. I was online, but it is one of the only times I can remember feeling speechless. I was so touched that my dad was going to send these to me. So thanks dad.

Anyway, so this week has been a drama of actually getting them. They "tried" to deliver them on Monday. We were all here all day, and did not hear the doorbell or hear the door knocked on, but we got a slip saying they had tried to send them. So that was annoying, and then they didn't try the next day, and we reread the slip, and it said it was the final notice. So on Wednesday, we put the signed slip in the mailbox, so he could deliver them. Thursday...they don't come. Friday...they still didn't come. I have no idea how the USPS broke down. I have never had such problems. Just goes to show, maybe Texas is right when they say they are Texas, not the US. In the US, they know how to deliver packages. So I went and picked it up from the post office. I had decided against this on Tuesday, because I thought - hey, the mail guy is already coming, so if it takes a little more time, I will be saving the gas, and helping the environment.

So now, to calm down, I am going to sit back, and enjoy some Corner Gas.

The Diva Cup

Ok...so I wasn't going to blog about this, because I thought people might think it is weird. So, if you are sensitive to feminine issues, do not read on!

Anyway, so I was looking through some environmental suggestions or whatever, and someone mentioned using reusable pads. I thought this was a good idea, and so I followed the link, and there behold was the Diva Cup, the reusable tampon-like object. I was in the middle of my period last time I read about it, so decided I would order one before my next period.

Well...I have been moving and such since, so of course it was the first thing I did when I got to Texas...NOT. So my period kind of started yesterday, and I had one tampon and one pad. So I made it through to today, because I saw on their website that you can buy them in stores. So this morning, first thing, I went down to Dallas and picked one up.

I don't know if all women have these problems with new objects like this, but I had problems with tampons, and I had problems with this. It just takes time and trial and error to figure out how to get everything to fit in well without causing pain to myself. So most of the morning was spent inserting, then re-inserting. But, when a few hours later I took it out and saw my little cup full of blood, and none at all anywhere else, it was all worth it. So, it is now getting toward the end of the day, and I have things pretty well under wraps. And I think by the time of my next period, I should be a pro.

So...I would recommend it to everyone! (Women menstruating only). I would however recommend not trying it at a very stressful time. It was stressful to me to learn how to use it, and it was worth it, but I don't really have much other stress, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

In conclusion, I am very happy with my DivaCup. Here's to 10 years with no more period costs. Yay!

Rainbow Quilt - Blocks Sewn Together!

So I know it doesn't look that much different from the other pictures, but it took a lot of work to get all of those as lined up as they are (yes I know in the picture they look pretty well lined up, but believe me up close, they could be more lined up), and so I am happy that I finished sewing it together last night! I maybe should start working on some clothes, but I keep wanting to work on ideas for the borders. So maybe clothes will have to wait just a little longer, except I really do need another pair of capris here, because pants are just too hot.

Also...it sounds like Chandra is going to be moving back here! So that should be exciting. I am looking forward to getting to know her better, because I really like her. So that should be fun.
Also this update came just as I was writing this, so yeah.

Anyway, so I am excited about sewing more. Oh yeah, and so I took it to relief society today to show as my good news minute, and some people came up and said they liked it. Then this one lady came up and asked if I was the one who was singing pretty. I answered you know, modestly, like maybe. Anyway, so she asked if I would like to sing a solo in church. So I will be singing in church on June 22. I am way excited!

Library Card!

Yay! So today I finally did it. I walked to the library and got a library card! It is now my desire to come here often, and come without driving, and write and read here. I already feel recharged just talking to the librarian while I was getting my card. I think it will be fun to have a community of people around me, even if I never really talk to them, just to give me variety. I would like to get a bike working, though, as I would probably be able to get here much faster if I biked than walked, but either way is great! But, when summer comes and it gets very hot, then I will want to minimize the amount of time that I am out in the sun. So yay for libraries!

The Story Behind my Wedding

Not many people know this story, just a few who I told at the time.

About a month before Janardan and I were to be married, he was going in to get his recommend for his endowment and for our sealing. He had been sick, and so had not been going to church. So when he went to his interview for his recommend, the bishop did not even really try to ask him the questions for the interview, but told him what sort of actions were expected of someone to have a recommend. He got really depressed by this, and the bishop tried to support him. So he called me and told me what was going on, and that he didn't have a recommend. I told him not to worry, we would get married anyway and could be sealed in a year, but that he should try to meet with the bishop again, because he was worthy. So my sister's family, my mom, and I all prayed that he would be able to get his recommend so we could be married in the temple.

So he went back a few days later, and he came out of the interview with a recommend.

Janardan never really told me much that happened, and I am not sure what the bishop told him then of whatever had happened with him.

So today our Elder's Quorum president came over, and he seemed really excited to meet Janardan, and he told us it was because the bishop was so excited about Janardan being back, and that Janardan is such an awesome person.

Today as I sat in my in-laws living room, hearing him talk to Janardan, just thinking about working with him any way to get him feeling comfortable at church, and hearing that this bishop is excited to have us in the ward, knowing those things, I began to understand why the Lord was having us come to Texas. It is not that our other bishops or Elder's Quorum presidents have lacked anything - they have been great, but these are men who have been specially prepared to be able to look out for and care for Janardan, and it is that that he will need as he attempts to get better.

Projects and Blogs

So I finally took a picture of the shirt I made, and the jeans. I don't even know if I wrote about them on here, but here they are!



I had Janardan take a picture of me in this same outfit, but all of his pictures ended up blurry. These aren't the greatest pictures, but they are better than his!

And then I just liked this picture. It was an accident. I had the zoom way on, and I couldn't tell as I was taking these pictures by self-timer in a dark room. But I like it.


So, since my politics blog is geared more for media consumption and is not really supposed to be about me, you get to here about the background here. I finished the big three before I came to Texas, and now that I am here, I am finally going to be trying to do my report on one senator a week. So, this week's target is Norm Coleman. It has been frustrating, though, because I have not really been able to get a good idea of what this guy is like. Everything he writes is about issues, and some accomplishments, but I feel like I don't really understand what is important to him, or why he got involved in politics. So I am wondering if the task I have set out for myself is going to be harder than accomplish than I first envisioned.

Anyway, so I hope I can get a better hold on who he is. And maybe that is just it - that the real person cannot be found, either by his fault or the fault of the political system, or both.

Sometimes the internet is a sad place

I think one of my weaknesses is not appreciating my own skill enough, and so I am subject to two ailments -- 1) I can have a tendency to see problems in others' work and 2) I can become depressed by certain things I do not being as original or new as I thought them to be. As in, fence rails is a common quilt design, and it is when I saw it that I had the idea for this quilt. I thought I would make it something like this, but then I noticed that only the red and the purple would end up being continuous, thus I figured out my quilt design. I don't know why it makes me sad, because I ended up doing a different pattern. I guess I just thought that doing fence rails with rainbow was my own idea. And then googling rainbow quilts, I saw some other rainbow quilts that were like amazing. And I know it was just a whipitup project for me, and I didn't spend even a week sewing the blocks up, so it shouldn't be compared to quilts that may have taken people months or even a year, but I am. Comparing myself to others - that is my big weakness, up and down. I tried working on it in high school, and overcame a lot of it, but quilting like brings it out in me -- this insecurity. I don't know.

Blocks are DONE!

I know it's not the best picture, but I'll take a better picture once I get all the blocks sewn together. This has definitely been less whipitup than the last rainbow quilt, but I like it and it is fun. It is pretty fun. I am rethinking the borders, so I might not do easy pieces, but I haven't decided. But I think once I get the main part all sewn together I will put this project aside for a little while and work on some clothes. I bought a lot of fabric, and it is getting warm here, and I would really like to have some longer shirts that aren't long-sleeved.

Also I went running this morning and I love my Nike Plus! Also, for the first time like...ever. The first few minutes of running, I just loved it. I just felt like I was floating in the wind. It was great, but then it got real. But I suppose if I keep running, I should get feeling like that longer. Right? Right?

Anyway, so that is all for now. I am going to figure out how to get this picture as the background temporarily.

Nike Plus

So I went running yesterday and actually enjoyed it. I also enjoyed it when I went a few months ago, so I have decided maybe I will have to start running. I have been taking walks anyway, and decided that I needed Nike Plus, because it is so awesome. So I went to the mall today and bought the kit, and then came home and made my own little Nike+ Pouch.




As you can see, I can put these on my running shoes, and on my flip flops for when I am just walking around or taking walks. So if I get curious about how much I've been walking around, I'll have it. I am sooo excited about it!

I thought I should probably post pictures of my progress on the rainbow quilt, as I worked on it yesterday, and meant to do it last night, but then I didn't, so I'll post those pictures today. Oh, well it looks like I only really took one kid of picture.


The new blocks are the ones with 3/4 of them missing, but I thought they looked nice in place, so you could see how the pattern is coming together. This is going to be a fun quilt!

Yoga Is Amazing

So I've been doing Yoga for a little while. I mainly stick to Basic Flow, besides the two classes I went to at BYU. I tried a strength class once and it about killed me, so I decided I should wait for that one. So I've been trying to get back into Yoga, and tried Basic Flow, and that was still pretty intense, but today I think I found the ultimate Yoga workout, and by ultimate I mean, the one that will convince non-Yoga people of Yoga. This is the beauty of Yoga. That is what it is all about. I just did it, and I feel soo relaxed. I feel like a lily floating on the top of a pond. So...for all of you out there who have tried Yoga and thought it was not your thing - time to try again! And those who haven't tried, it's time to start!

What We Don't See in a Rainbow

I've obviously got rainbows on the mind. They are just such pretty colors! Anyway, so I got to thinking today, about how the visible spectrum is such a small part of the radiation that there is. I was thinking about how amazing it would be to see a rainbow with all of the colors not in the visible spectrum. But now that I think about it, maybe it is beautiful because it is that rare patch of color. It is the little piece that we have and so we can cherish it. Color is a beautiful thing.

Rainbow Quilt

So, first of all I finally took a picture of my first rainbow quilt:

I really like this quilt. It makes me happy whenever I see it. So that is of course why I decided to make another one. My work of yesterday:

Cutting out stuff for the blocks.

So today I have been sewing together the first set of blocks. There are two types of blocks, so I have been working on the first 15. I got some done before Janardan and I went to dinner today:

And then finished these blocks just now, right before I am going to bed (and I didn't have to stay up late to do it!)

The only problem with these blocks is that they look good put together a different way than I intended them, so I am starting to dream up a third rainbow quilt. Fortunately, I may be able to use the pattern on a pillow cover, so I can dream up a different third rainbow quilt, which now that I mention it, I am starting to do. Rainbows are just too fun!

So I have half of the blocks done, and I'll start on the next half tomorrow. I may need to give myself a little more time to do them. I don't have a sewing table here, and the desk is a little high for sewing, so my shoulders are of course killing. I need to do yoga. Anyway, I should be getting to bed!

We're Here...and have been for a few days

So we got there late Thursday night. We did make it in two days. I got really tired on the way here though, and then it didn't help that we got lost on the way here (cough I won't say anything about Janardan cough).

So I have decided that I get a vacation! What does that mean? Not much except that I'm not really going to start writing for another week. For now just working on getting settled, and getting a scripture study/exercise regime going. Eating has been going relatively okay. There have been plenty of fresh veggies around, so they always make me feel good. And we've only eaten out twice so far. And that is good, just so you know.

Went to the first day of church today. People were really nice, and soo friendly. I think they beat my first Provo ward as to how many people said hi to me, which leads me to the point...people come out of the woodworks more when you need them. When I started going to Emily's ward in Provo, not many people talked to me, but even those that did, I told my sister was in the ward, and so they figure I am taken care of. It was true, and I didn't feel like I needed them as much, so not as much happened. But here, I am pretty much of relying on the ward being my social network, so yeah...lot more need there.

On other fronts, I love church. Like sometimes I think it is easy to take for granted feeling the spirit at home, and so church doesn't always seem that great. But like...when it is a struggle to feel it at home, it is such an oasis to go to church when it just comes and resides unfettered. I almost feel like I need church twice a week to be able to keep up good mood and spirits here, but I'll just have to be more diligent about feeling the spirit by my own actions. It is amazing how the outpouring of spirit helps me feel more compassions for Janardan's parents. And it is weird, because wanting to understand his parents, I understood so much more why Janardan is the way he is, because he is not used to people being self-aware, so he is used to getting information about people through observation and not through conversation.

And I passed Hancock fabric on the way home from church, so I am excited that we have a cheap fabric store so close! I'm looking forward to checking it and the library out sometime later this week (also passed that on my way to church).

So...for now, the adventure is good, and church will sustain my spirit.

Albuquerque

I had a lot of thoughts running through my head as I was driving yesterday, and had a few different ideas for blog entries I'd like to write, but by the time I got here last night, I just wanted to take a bath and get to bed. And now it's morning, and Janardan doesn't want to get on the road for another few minutes, so I thought I'd take time to share some of my thoughts.

I had a little breakdown yesterday as I was trying to do the last minute things I needed to do. I just kept turning around another corner and finding one last thing to do, and the list was getting long, and I was worried I would never get out of there. Plus I could not see out my back window, and I wanted to be able to see, so I wouldn't be as stressed driving. So I just started crying, and Janardan was inside, and he came out and gave me a hug, but then was too tired from standing so long, so went off somewhere else, so I got in my car, and tried to call Emily. I had missed a call from her, and I wondered if it hadn't been the Heavenly Father having her call me.

So I called her back, and I just cried, and told her I was overwhelmed. She said she would be over in five minutes. I knew she would do whatever I needed from her, so I started setting the things aside that I would ask her to do - take a last trip over to the storage unit, send two things I needed sent, and drop off my books at the library. And so knowing that she would take care of those things, I started to get the other things in order.

And so she came over and helped me, then I played with the girls for a little bit, and then tried to postpone saying my goodbyes. Earlier in the morning I had been at the storage unit, and thought I might miss saying goodbye to Autumn, and so I rushed over to Emily's house to say bye, but she didn't have pre-school yesterday. As I drove over, though, I just thought of Autumn, and started crying, because of how much I'll miss her.

I cried when I said goodbye to Emily, and she was talking to me about how strong I was. It was an odd thing, there expressing my inner weakness, my need for her, and how much I will miss her, and her calling me strong. And it just made me think how sharing our weaknesses with each other makes us both stronger, because we can do more and overcome more, knowing that we can rely on each other for help. I am strong, because she lifts me up and carries me when I fall, and she can do that, because I do the same for her.

The other thoughts I had were as we were driving through an Indian Reservation, I stopped at a grocery store. Two things were running through my mind - first, drawing parallels between the people I saw and the Indians in Twilight (I was really looking for someone who would give me a good visualization of what Jacob looks like - didn't really find any) and the second was references to a conversation I had with a friend a week or so ago.

I have a friend Jessica, who is Chinese American. She is pretty obsessed with race (our nicknames for each other are whitey and Asian). Anyway, and so we were talking the other day about how she thinks that white people don't really have much racial identity. As I walked into that store, though, I thought - oh yes I have a racial identity. It was the distinct feeling of not being on my own turf, something that I have not really ever experience before. And it was racial that I felt, not cultural, because I've been out of the country before. I guess it just made me realize that as a white person, my racial identity is not often confronted, it is a given.

It was such a distinct experience, something I hadn't experience before, but so surface. It makes me want to take part in participant observation in a culture and race different from my own. It really makes me want to get over it. I want to feel comfortable and accepted in a racial setting that is not my own, and I would like to understand my own racial identity better.

Almost There!

This move has gone so smoothly. It is so nice to receive help in moves. Whenever I moved when I was single, it was always when everyone else in the ward was moving too, and so it wasn't a great time to ask other people to help. But this time I have been able to use tons of help. First on Saturday with people moving my stuff into storage, and then yesterday with people coming to help clean. It got done so quickly!

It is amazing to compare my two moves, and besides things being more organized, and that contributes to it as well, the main thing that made a difference here was that I felt prepared enough that I could ask other people to help. There was a plan of attack and I could ask them to do specific things. I had things packed, so people just had to move them to the car to the next place. Then the packed things were gone, so I made lists, so people could see what needed to be done as far as cleaning goes.

Had I not had the help I had, this move probably would have been slightly overwhelming, but instead it was not, because I could be prepared and plan ahead. In December, I got my family to help, but that was all, because I didn't really feel comfortable asking people to help me, and plus just moving itself was taking so much energy out of me that I didn't have any extra energy to ask people. And that is the real cruelty in only have two weeks notice.

A Quilt for Jason

So after I finished the rainbow quilt, I had a friend over (Jason) and he was like - "You should give me this quilt." I said, "NO!" But then was like, well....I could make you a quilt. Thus we began formulating a quilt, and so I said I would start working on it, and would try and finish it before I moved. So last week, I completed the quilt, designed by him, pieced and quilted by me, and paid for by his mom. So here are the results...

The name of the quilt is the Chinese word for Moon, which I hope the correlation should be obvious.


Here's a picture to see the quilting.


And there's the front. It's a very Jason quilt. Emily says that it just looked wrong when I would use it. She said it looked very right on him.


I think it's true.

The Happiest Baby on the Block

So I have been a solid proponent of the 5 S's method, even though I have never read anything about it, and hadn't seen the movie. The other day, though, Emily and I saw two copies of the movie at the library, and we were both excited, so we each checked out a copy.

So I am so excited about it again. I like want there to be a fussy baby around so I can calm it. He was talking about it on the video, how it can be exciting to calm a baby. It is amazing. I think it is the best thing ever.

In conclusion, SWADDLE, SHUSH, SIDE, SWING, and SUCK!

Dinosaur Towel Thing

When my former roommate Carolyn had her baby shower, I made this for her, but didn't take any pictures then. She asked me to fix one of the spikes on the back of it, so I had it back, and decided I should take some pictures. I didn't really know how to get a good picture of it, so these will give you some idea, but not quite.



Oh, and I also came across some pictures of my rainbow quilt. But I still don't have any of it completed, but here is a partial top shot:

Packing

I started packing today, and it is going really well. I started in Janardan's room, because I thought it would probably be the most depressing, but I looked around, and there was not much that needed to be packed. I think the place that I will need to pack up the most is the kitchen, but I probably won't want to do that for another week or so. So I've started dividing clothes to take to Texas, and clothes to leave here. I don't have many that I'm leaving here. Most that I don't want to take with me I decided I don't really need to keep. So I have been getting rid of a fair amount of stuff as well, which is always nice. So packing is going well. Just started today, but I feel like I have gotten a lot done. I feel like if I just do a little bit here and there, it will likely all get done without too much problem. So that is nice.

Becoming A Bridge Builder

I was thinking today about my aspirations to be a writer, and just contemplating the meaning of that term, and the nuance that that term lacks. Well, it may have nuance, but just not as applies to what I actually want to be. I read some criticisms of J. K. Rowling, about how she is a storyteller and not a writer. I decided then that what was important to me was not be a writer, but a storyteller. However, that word to me has specific meaning of performing in front of people, as opposed to the written word. So I was thinking of how to describe myself.

The image that came to mind was of a story being on one side of a river, and my readers being on the other. My goal is simply to build a bridge between them. It is reaching the story that matters most, not the bridge. And while the bridge may be interesting and may be something to admire of its own merit, it would be of little importance if it did not connect the two. What is most important is making that connection possible.

I'll probably still use the term writer, because that is a common enough term that people understand, but when I think to myself of what I want to be - bridge builder just seems a much more appropriate term.

Christmas Tree Skirt

All I have to say is...Dang I do good work.

Samoas

If you read Emily's blog, don't read below, because I may give away details she doesn't want you to know. HA!

Anyway, so today we tried making homemade Samoas (you know, the girl scout cookie), and they ended up pretty tasty, but the carmel is rock hard. We want to make another attempt doing a few things differently to see if they would turn out.

I am also realizing that one of my favorite processes in the quilting process is designing quilts. I LOVE designing quilts. I enjoy many of the other parts (I like quilting on wall hangings -- because it is more of the creative part, and less of the work part heh), but I love to design. I love dreaming up quilts, and just thinking of making them, of pushing boundaries and trying out new things, of doing something that no one has ever done before. It brings me a lot of satisfaction. And on quilts that I design, I have a lot more patience and I want them to be perfect. When I am working with someone else's design, I am more like - let me just get this done (though I feel like that with my own designs that are meant to be whipitups anyway), but on my own designs, I don't care how long it takes, I am willing to take the effort to make it nice. Like my tree skirt, it took me a dang long time to make it, but it ended up just the way I wanted it. I waited weeks on quilting the desert sand, because I was not happy with any quilting design, and then finally when I thought of it, I was happy, and made it. Did I ever put a picture of that on here completed? I'll check after I post this, and maybe take a picture sometime if I don't have one. It is really pretty. My proudest piece yet.

Which reminds me - I always complain (to Emily) about the wall hanging I made that hangs in my living room, and really what bothers me about it is not just that i would do it differently now, but that I would have done it differently then had I not had time constraints. I probably would have done the quilting really nice on all the objects, but I didn't really have time at the time. I barely got it done on time (it was a project for a class) as it was. And the thing is - I don't like it enough to put the energy to take it from mediocre to decent when I see so much potential for how it could be better. Anyway...I went off on a quilting tangent. Emily was designing a quilt tonight, and I was jealous that I didn't get to be designing a quilt. She was jealous she didn't get to just be sewing up blocks. It is interesting to learn different things about us. We both like to sew, but enjoy very different aspects, and have our very own different strengths. It's cool.

My Writings

Hey y'all. I started yet another new blog over at http://flybyswritings.blogspot.com. If I know who you are, I'll add you - I'm keeping it private, just because it's my writings. I'll probably mainly just put on there any freewriting that I feel like transferring over to the computer or that I do on the computer in the first place. I envision that all of it will be fiction.

On another note, I am making progress on Jason's quilt. I finished the quilting today, but figured out as I was sewing the binding on that there are a few places (maybe 2-3) where the backing is not big enough, so I will have to piece on a little bit there before I finish sewing the binding on. But after that, I just have to tack it down, and that will be done!

My mom is coming in a few weeks, and I should be all done with that project so I can work on new projects (or old projects like my trees or my stack-n-whack). On another side note, I started hand quilting my winter tree. I haven't really talked about that project on here, so yeah. I am doing a tree in four seasons. I started with the winter, because that one would not involve leaves. I am going to try out different kinds of applique with each tree. So it should be fun. This first one I did a hand applique with batting behind it (but not really trupunto for those quilters out there). It is my first venture into hand quilting, beyond the four stitches I put into my aunt's quilt when I was four years old. It takes a long time, but it does look nice.

Anyway, so I am just getting that list done, and a lot faster than I thought I would. So kudos to me. :)

Recycling Bandit

When we first moved into this apartment, I called to see if we could get a recycling bin. We could, but I would have to get the people upstairs to actually call and get it, so if you know me, you know that of course this never happened. So I had recycling piling up. I took the cardboard over to the Tanner building the day I was going out of town to see my grandpa, and just ended up with the rest in my trunk. Luckily there was a recycling place in Rexburg at the Walmart, so I got rid of the rest of it up there. But of course since then, my recycling has just been piling up once more. So one of my benchmarks for my incentives is taking the recycling out (for a place like the living room, where it practically had overtaken the room.

The way I figured I could do this was going out on the day before recycling day and siphoning off my recycling into other people's bins. It all seemed matter-of-fact in my mind when I came up with the idea, but tonight as I executed it, I felt like ~~~The Recycling Bandit~~~. I didn't want to get caught putting my recycling into other people's bins. I didn't stop at houses where the porch light was on. I got nervous every time a car passed me. It was really quite exciting. It reminded me of my freshman year of college again, just doing stupid things, but things that are exciting.

As I was driving home, I was reminded of a time freshman year when me and Amy had stayed 15 minutes past the end of visiting hours! Whoa! We were really breaking the rules! I wrote in my journal that night that I loved that such an innocent thing could be exciting, and that that was the sort of thing I was nervous and excited about. Tonight I felt that same feeling. I mean, I don't really know what I was worried about...someone saying, "Don't use our recycling bin"? I mean come on, the people who have recycling bins are the sort of people who want people to use recycling bins.

On an unrelated note, I am in such a nonfiction mode. This is something I was worried about, because I really want to write fiction too. So, the remedy to that of course is to...write fiction. I just haven't really been writing that much fiction lately, or trying to. Like I had an idea like a week ago for something I wanted to write, and I still haven't. Naturally because it would not earn me any fabric.

I bought most of my fabric today. I could not find either of the blue fabrics, and have not bought any of the blacks. Technically, I should not have bought the orange yet, but Emily and I needed a fun trip to the fabric store.

Anyway, so today I am the recycling bandit. Woot.

Caffeine is Evil

I feel old. As in when I was younger, I could drink a coke or Mountain Dew right before bed and have no trouble falling alseep. I drank a Mountain Dew like 5 hours ago, and I still cannot get to sleep. I have been trying for the last three and a half hours at least. Conclusion: I am not drinking more caffeine.

I am realizing today how much the past influences our lives. And like, it seems sort of obvious, but I don't usually think about the past. But now that I am writing about it, I think about it a lot more. It is just interesting to see the different pieces of life that shape you, and those that you discard.

While I have been trying to sleep, I have been listening to tapes I have. My sister recorded stories for me maybe 11-12 years ago. There are just a few stories, and they are funny and enjoyable. And then I have a whole slew (maybe 5-6) tapes of recordings of my dad telling me stories at night when I first moved in with him in Maryland, about 9 years ago. It is odd remembering my motivation for recording the tapes. I was so happy to be living with my dad, and I loved him a lot, and I was worried that something would happen to him, and I would miss him, and I thought if he died in a car crash or something, I would enjoy listening to the stories. Well, even if he never died in a car crash, I am glad I have the tapes to listen to now. And glad he didn't have to die for me to appreciate them. Although...my grandpa died, and I had a tape of him telling stories, and I have really wanted to listen to it, but I don't know where it is. It might be in my room in Maryland, because it was not in my box of tapes that I have here. So I hope it is there, because I really would like to listen to it. I'm also on the tape counting to 10, and I think I was like 3-4 at the time. So it was cute.

It is fun to remember the past. It is an easy place to travel, because you know where it goes.

Embarassing Writing

It is weird. While I am in Texas, I am hoping to be able to finish a first draft of my first book, a book setting up the background for how Janardan and I got together. I have written a very short memoirsy-type thing about this particular time of life. Anyway, and I figure I will try and get this book published or self-publish or whatever. Anyway, and I will disperse it to the world. I have these plans for it, but even the minutest details, I closely guard, because I revert back to the 12,13,14-year-old that I was when these events unfolded. I guess I figure the quick like a bandaid method is preferable to telling lots of people over time.

Anyway, and so it makes me less expressive about things going on. Like the progress I am making on research and stuff like that, because I don't want to talk about it, because it is my closely guarded secret. It is embarassing as all get out, but that is not why I am reticent to share. I spent so long guarding my secrets then, that is hard for me to not continue to keep them now.

As in the reason I haven't really written anything the past day or two is because the main things I would want to write about have to do with this stuff. Sometimes I surprise myself. I don't want to write little things on my blog, but I am willing to proclaim my entire story to the whole world. But it also makes sense to me in a way. It would take a lot of explaining for people to understand what the things I would say mean, because I have kept them secret for so long, and so anything short of a book is not enough to tell the story.

I am nervous even to post this post, because admitting that I have a secret or have had is a more appropriate term is weird. I have felt more in touch with my 14-year old self today. And I just think, oh man, that was a hard time. Since I've been married, I've always thought it has been the hardest thing that I have been through, especially the first part of marriage, but there were difficulties I had then that I do not have at all now. I cannot look at my life now and say that my 14-year-old self did not know what difficulties were, for life was difficult then, and life is difficult now.

I guess today I just really felt for myself then, just like admitting how hard a time it was. I think revisiting that time in my life, having this book to help me, will be good for me to understand my own teenagers, just to cut through and see the difficulties they are having, and I know I won't be able to do anything to change them, but I'll be able to validate them, and say yeah -- you really are having a tough time. It is so real.

And so I am somewhat embarassed, but I am also very proud. I am highly proud, that I did it. I got through those years victorious. Those years were great for the manageable pieces of pain--it was then that I came to truly enjoy that.

Life is weird.

The Curse of being a Writer

So I never really understood why whenever I read about writers, they almost always seem to be the type that write late into the night. The past few days I have begun to realize why. Even if I write during the day (or even if I don't), as soon as I lay down to go to sleep, all these ideas start buzzing through my mind - ideas of stories to write, of different ways of writing stories. Tonight I had so much going on that I gave up, and thought I needed to write something before I'll be able to actually go to sleep. So I am hoping that this will help...

The cool thing is all the ideas, how they just keep coming, and I keep on thinking of things from different angles, but this also interferes with the falling asleep process, so that is not so cool. I have really been wanting to wake up earlier. I got little sleep the night before last, and so stayed up all day yesterday with no nap so I could go to bed early and wake up earlier this morning. It worked fairly well, but it would be a waste if it only lasted one day. So I am hoping I can put on a movie and that will keep my mind occupied enough that it will not buzz with ideas, good as they are. I need my SLEEP!

My Progress

So my kitchen has been going well. I got the last round of dishes out of Janardan's room today, so I should be able to check that one off the list. I have also rounded up the laundry and been slowly putting away the laundry that is on top of the dryer, so I can start the laundry. And...I cleaned Janardan's room! So that is one thing done!

I've also been working on Jason's quilt and my NOYB project. So everything is going pretty well.

Incentives

So, I have my kitchen pretty much clean, and have been making progress in the other areas. Yesterday as I was writing that list, I was like - oh, it's going to take me all the rest of the time to finish that stuff, and I'll be able to start sewing that quilt when I get to Texas. Today I look at that list, and I am like - I am doing pretty well on it - I could probably buy the fabric for the main part of the quilt by the end of the week. Woohoo incentives.

It is so great, because I feel so motivated, and I am actually getting things done, and my kitchen looks so nice and clean.

Some people may think that having incentives is so juvenile, but I say - hey I'd rather have incentives than have to be so self-disciplined. Incentives work for me, so I am happy to use them.

Rainbow quilt design take 2

So I have decided that I need motivation to get things done. And my motivation is that when i get things done, I get to get fabric for this quilt. I haven't figure out all the details of what things go with which pieces of fabric, but designing the quilt seemed like a good first step. So here is my quilt pattern, which I will be working for!

Later...

Ok, so to keep myself honest, I'm going to post on here my list of things I am doing and how to earn my fabrics.

Red fabric -- Write Blog entry on McCain (with proper research preceding)
Orange fabric -- well this is NOYB
Yellow fabric -- unpack the house
Green fabric -- do all the laundry and put it away
Blue fabric -- get the kitchen clean and all the dishes done
Purple -- get Janardan's room clean
Black 3" border - clean living room
Easy pieces material -- clean up my room
Black 1" border -- finish Jason's quilt
Backing -- pack up the house
Binding -- choose a storage unit and get the car maintenanced

So hopefully I will be able to go and buy this fabric for my quilt before I move!

I Love Visiting Teaching

It is amazing how the Lord's programs work. Like today, I was not really looking forward to visiting teaching, but thought I should let these ladies do their duty, so I would let them come.

Then they came, and I wanted to show them all my projects, and got all excited about my sewing, and they just invigorated me about my life, just by being mildly interested in me, and just there for the purpose of being there for whatever I wanted them to be there for. So it was great.

I have been feeling kind of unmotivated lately in the writing sphere. Actually, pretty unmotivated in the anything sphere. So it was funny, the thing that got me up out of bed yesterday was not to write or do research for my writing, but to do quilting, and now that I am out and feeling better, I feel more able to write. The Lord truly blesses me in unseen ways.

I guess I just feel like I should be doing stuff to pack up and get my house ready, and so I am not doing that, and I feel like I should doing all this stuff, but if I just need to sew and read, that seems a lot easier, and then a few days of writing. I think if I get myself all excited about these other projects going on, I will have more energy to devote to packing and the like.

But today...I am going to sew. Well and make bread and food and take care of my husband, as usual. :)

PS -- I expanded the use of the smiley today in TSC (an online chatroom of people who go to Janardan's website), and it seemed like it put people in a better mood, and nicer to each other. It was nice. I just kind of said something offhand, and it changed the whole tone of the room. It was nice.

More Bread

So yesterday I was gobbling up the loaf so fast that I decided I needed to make another loaf. So I put some dough together, this time with the right amount of salt. And today I made the bread. It turned out even better this time. I have been cooking it in a pot that doesnt have a super tight fit, and I would like to get a dutch oven pot to do the job right in, but this will be fine for now. I will do that with some of my excess Texas money, because we are living in Janardan's parent's house.

And once again, I yearn for home-made cheese. I did go to the store and buy some cheese, and it is really good. I love a meal of bread and cheese. It is so satifying.

I think I could eat mainly raw foods and then bread and cheese. Fresh bread and yummy cheese is great.

Yum Bread

So I finally tried it - the magical NY Times no-knead bread, and the verdict is...

It is pretty good.

There are a few things I would do differently next time, like remembering to heat the pan before I put the bread in, and making sure the bread was more covered with coating, and use something like flour or wheat germ instead of cornmeal. I would also use about twice as much salt, except now I just realized that I didn't even use half the amount of salt called for. Oops.

Here is the recipe: (I just copied it from the blog I got it from)

1 1/2 cups warm water
1/4 tsp yeast
1 1/4 tsp salt
3 cups flour
The dough will be very, very sticky and almost runny. Cover the bowl with a plastic lid or saran wrap and let rise for 15-18 hours. Or more. It won't hurt it at all. I usually make mine some time in the afternoon or evening.

The next day, once the dough is full of bubbles on the top (it will look like bubbly pancake batter when it is being cooked), stir it a few times to deflate the bubbles. Sprinkle a generous amount of cornmeal, rolled oats, wheat germ, etc on the towel. Put the towel in a shallow, wide bowl (this helps the ball of dough go up and not just out when it rises). Put the dough on top of the towel, sprinkle with a little more cornmeal to keep it from sticking, and cover with another towel.

Then neglect it for a while: 2-4 hours. I like letting it rise a long time, more than the recommended 2 hours, for extra pouffy-ness.

Put a large cast iron or ceramic dish (one with sides at least 4" tall and that has an oven-proof lid) in the oven at 450. I use a square ceramic dish about 9x9" and 5" tall. Once the dish is nice and hot (give it 20 minutes in the oven), take it out and carefully dump the dough into the dish. Be as gentle as possible so you don't deflate it.

Bake with the cover on for 35 minutes. Take the cover off and bake another 10 minutes.


For mine, I made it whole wheat, so I used 3 cups whole white wheat flour, and it needed additional liquid, so I used 2 1/4 c. water. I know I should have taken a picture, but I was too tempted to just start digging into it right away.

It is times like this that I wish I had some homemade havarti or brie in the fridge to put on my bread. Oh well, storebought will do for now. When I come back from Texas, I am getting a cheesepress and I will start making cheese. Because cheese and bread...ah...that is the food of kings.

Why I Wanted a Laptop

I have been so long without one that I forgot what it was like to have one. I justified getting this laptop, because it was my graduation, and because I will need a laptop for writing. Today, I decided that no longer is any other justification needed than that it helps my marriage.

This morning I spent a long time on my computer, just kind of doing nothing, watching tv online, etc. I was wondering really why I was doing this instead of doing something more productive, that might make me feel better. Then Janardan woke up, and he was on his computer, and I was so excited to talk to him.

On the computer, we have easier communication, because it doesn't make any physical demands, and he can have the time to think. I am more patient, and he is more talkative. Today as I was talking to him, I realized what I have been missing, more than being able to watch tv in bed, or carry my computer to the bathroom, it has been the easy and open communication that I can have with my husband.

Today I am happy to have a computer so I can talk freely with my husband.

New Computer yea~

Yeah so I got my new laptop in the mail today. Yea~ And already I have had a good experience with customer service, so that is postive. The guy was great.

The Big Give

Ok...so I have been reading the internets, wanting to read that someone thought the same thing about this show, and many people had similar ideas, but I thought I should express my thoughts.

The first episode of this was great...until the judging. There were all of these inspiring stories--they made differences in people's lives, were able to raise lots of money to help these people out, and make dreams come true. And then they were judged on how well they did at making people's dreams come true. This seems counter-intuitive to me, and I saw in the next episode the repercussions from that. The first show, people were much more concerned with how they could help, stars in their eyes with the good they could do. The second show--people had that, but they were also combatting the feelings of worry over being judged unworthy to continue on. They worried about what the judges would think.

This seems like it could be a great feel-good show, just showing these ten people go all around the country, doing lots of good in the world. But, it just has this bitter aftertaste, that the cost of this show is that people have to be sent home, sad that they weren't good enough givers? That does not sound very inspiring to me.

And in this last show, they voted off a girl who was just trying to overcome her problems from previous times, and trying to make peace in her group. But apparently the judges wanted to side with the pushy overbearing woman.

I see how excited these people were on the first episode, to help people, to go out there and make a difference, and that is slowly disappearing. People are concerned about their image, how they will look to the judges, and TRYING to focus on the people they are helping. They are not being swept up into an environment of love and giving, an environment that could affect us all, and inspire us all to be better and give more.

It is just sad to me that a show such as this has to be tainted by the criticism and self-comparison that plagues our world. It is the kind of show that should inspire us to be better, and it may to some respect, but my first desire is to see this show do better to take care of the people they have involved in their project of giving.

A Can Of Chicken Soup

Now this may not look like seven meals to you...

But it does to me.

I have been feeling very unmotivated to cook lately, and the other day I had a craving for funeral potatoes, so I grabbed the one can of cream of chicken soup that I had in my house, and threw together some funeral potatoes. They were yummy. I was happy with my meal, and on Tuesday, I ate the leftovers for breakfast, but was back to feeling unmotivated by food, except for funeral potatoes. I thought I should go to the store, but knew I was not motivated enough to do that.

So I was at Emily's house, and breifly mentioned that I should go and buy a can of cream of chicken soup. A minute late I had a can in my hands, and later that night I was preparing another tray of funeral potatoes. As I made the funeral potatoes, though, I started a pot boiling, and made some pierogies, deciding I could cook up the potatoes later and eat them at a different time.

So this morning I woke up, and fed myself some funeral potatoes, and went off for the day. Then I came home, and started making enchiladas for Janardan, as I decided I would eat funeral potatoes. I also threw some stuff into the crock pot so we could have a late dinner. As I was waiting for the enchiladas to bake, I was trying to remember things I used to make in the crockpot. I started setting things aside, and now have things set aside for four more meals.

The saying goes -- the journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step -- well my journey back into the domain of taking care of myself and my husband began with one can of cream of chicken soup. Thanks Em.

(As a note, it was a Western Family can, not campbells--I tried to find a picture of one online, but after 3 minutes gave up, and was too lazy to take a picture with my camera, so enjoy the picture of campbell's).

Joann's is the bane of my existence

So I went to Joann's today, because I had a dream about a summer dress today, and I was like - must find fabric for dress.

So I didn't find fabric for the dress, but I did find a pattern and a dress that I also liked, so I was like - this sounds good. The fabric was $12.99 -- ouch I know, but it was okay, because it was 40% off.

So I was looking back at my ticket after the cutting, and the discount had not been applied. I asked the cutting lady about it, and she said that it was part of the "Spring Metallic" line, not the "All That Glitters" line that was on sale...even though every other piece of fabric around it was in the All that Glitters line, and it is not like it did not glitter - it did! I looked all around the store, to see if I could find any other place it looked like it fit more than under that sign, and it didn't look like it. There were no other fabrics that even looked like it, just a different color.

She asked me if that was okay. I took a moment to decide, and then said, probably not, and relinquished the fabric. I was not going to pay $50 for this dress...not even including the pattern price.

But, I did find some nice fabric for some jeans and a shirt, so that was nice. Plus, I really want to find the stuff to make the dress from my dream. :)

It's A Wonderful Life

I usually watch this movie around Christmas, as many people do. Today I just really felt like watching it.

I got news today that a prompting I followed a long time ago really had a great impact in someone's life. It gave me hope that I may actually be able to reach my aspirations.

So as I was watching this movie, I felt like I was George Bailey. I wondered really how much I have done in people's lives, and as I saw all of those great things that he did, I thought of different things that I have done that have impacted people for the better. I guess it made me think about how much my life is worth, how much of a difference I make, especially to those people I love.

I was sobbing by the end, just because these experiences were just what I needed, to feel like I can really make a difference in the world, that my being here has made at least some people's lives better, and trying all my days to make changes in the world for the better, though I may never be as great as I hope to be, I can still preform great works, and there is that possibility for greatness within me.

I feel like the Lord is watching out for me, not just by showing me that other people can receive promptings to help me, but that also I can make a difference to other people, and how that can strengthen and lift me, as I realize my worth, and my ability to bless other people's lives, that it is not fruitless to try, and that even if I don't know the impact I am having, just my living on this earth and being who I am, just trying to be a good person, and love my fellow men, that I will have a good impact.

When Soren was born, I was so impressed by how much his simple little short life had impacted me, how much I loved him, and how much he changed me, just by being in this world. Today I am realizing how much impact I have had, and it just gives me hope that I can continue, and that if I work all my days, I can have even greater impact.

The Lord does not give us our mission in life without giving us the strength and experiences that we need in order to fulfill that mission. Today, the Lord has assured me that I can make a difference, and the choices I make of what I do when I am home all alone, deciding to write instead of something else that those differences matter.

Today, George Bailey is my hero.

How God Loves Me

"You are well acquainted with Him, for there is not a soul of you but what has lived in His house and dwelt with Him year after year; and yet you are seeking to become acquainted with Him, when the fact is, you have merely forgotten what you did know" (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 4:216).

I was reading this today while I was in sacrament meeting, and it just hit me, how far away I am from my Father, how He longs for me to return to Him, how He loves me, and how I love Him, how much I miss Him. How it is not just me that wishes He could be here and give me a hug -- he wants that too.

Today I remembered a little more of my life before, of what it was like to live with Him, and how He would comfort me, and it eases my soul to know He desires that for me now too, that He wants to show me how much He loves me.

It is amazing, and yet so real.

Feelings I enjoy

My old roommate and good friend Carolyn loves being happy. It comes natural to think that I like being happy, and I used to think that I like being happy, but I realized last week that I enjoy pain, and not in the masochistic way, well, at least I don't think so. I don't like physical pain in the least, but I enjoy manageable emotional pain.

The unfortunate thing is that just as happiness is fickle, so too is manageable emotional pain. The key word being manageable. Put yourself in too much emotional pain, and it crosses over to depression. Depression is not a feeling I enjoy, and yet one I find myself in more often that I would like. I realize, now, why that happens. It is because I am seeking that emotional pain.

I like being happy too, but I don't desire to be happy all the time. There is a richness that comes in pain that does not come from a life of contentment. In high school, it was easy to get these pain doses. Hormones running wild, liking lots of guys, all the confusion that comes with that, all of it that matters but doesn't matter--perfect for my desire for emotional pain. It's not actually the pain I like, it's that cathartic release, but I can enjoy the pain if I can tell there will be a release. It is when I see no end in sight that I get depressed. (As a note, I am using the term depressed loosely--I am not clinically depressed, I am more just referring to feeling blue for a series of days).

I wonder also if that is part of the reason I was drawn to Janardan as a marriage partner, the potential for emotional pain always being there, without his hurting me necessarily having to be the cause. Obviously that was not the only factor, as there were many others, much more obvious, and reasons I actually based the decision on. Just a musing.

I like to read sad books, books that explore sad concepts. I feel enriched by such experiences. They also tend to paint the beauty into the pain, which is the main reason I enjoy the pain, is because it is beautiful.

I guess thinking about the tree of knowledge of good and evil -- I would partake, just to have the wisdom and beauty that comes from pain. It truly does bring joy. I guess that is the difference to me-- happiness is the everyday contentment, where everything seems to be going well, and you feel good -- joy is the rises and falls, the leaps and the crumbling, all the while seeing the beauty of the experiences. Joy, to me, is the pain and the happiness. It is fuller.

Changes

We are moving to Texas. At the end of April. We're only planning on being there for six months. It is odd. The one thing I am looking forward to is making friends with two people who I missed to make friends with in Provo. They moved out as soon as I moved into my current ward.

I am scared of moving to Texas, of being lonely, and not having a social network there to support me. Our hope is that a clinic down in Texas will be able to help Janardan get healthier, and that the burden of that can fall on his mom instead of me, so it will actually get done.

So, yeah. That's the update.

The Sacrifices Associated with Life

Most of the time, I am largely unaware of the sacrifices I am making, or the choice between alternatives. It just seems that what I am choosing is what I am choosing, and not that I am choosing the present course instead of another, or at the expense of another. Lately I have been more aware of these forks in the road, these choices and how they affect things.

Today I came to grips with something -- you can't have it all. I knew it on several levels, but it hit home in a major way today. Being a more frictiony episode in my marriage (birthdays cause higher expectations that are easier to be dashed when your husband is physically unable to do a lot), today I spent the day reading a book, the second in the Twilight series. I was reading it, because I knew it would be an intense experience, and it could keep me from feeling my own emotions. So after I finished the book today, I hopped onto Stephenie Meyer's website, and was just reading through things. I read through an interview about her writing process, and emotions that have been floating on the back burner for the past week or so came to a head.

I have three avenues that I want to explore with my writing at present. First, I want to write fiction--fantasy and just tell true stories with fictional people. Second, I have been having more urging to write a personal history. Third, I want to give people an alternate view of the United States politicians, associated with the blog I have started called Politics by leadership -- found here (http://politicsbyleadership.blogspot.com/) if you are interested. All of these things are daunting tasks to me, all designed to change the world. I have high aspirations of leaving a lasting impression on this sphere we live on. I want people's lives to be different because I have lived on it. Better, hopefully.

A month or so ago, I sobbed because I could not be a professional quilter. That day I realized that it was that I was giving up to be a writer. I could have it as a hobby, but it couldn't consume my days. I thought when I graduated that I would become a temple worker. Today I went to the temple, and realized that is a sacrifice I will make so I can do those three things. I've wanted to be in a musical on Center Street, but I don't have that kind of time when I am doing these things -- another sacrifice.

And so of course looking at all these things makes me wonder how I will ever have time to do anything when I have kids. Stephenie said that she writes after her kids go to bed, and writes pretty much until she passes out from exhaustion. I don't think I can do that. I care too much about getting my body proper rest. I also want to have time to spend with my husband without the kids. I also want to study my scriptures each day, and I would like to keep reading as well -- all of these things that require alone time, which is just not as available when kids are there. Of course that is a concern I need not worry about for at least two years. My deal with Janardan expires a year from August, and then I would be pregnant for nine months. I have plenty of time to figure that one out.

I have a confidence in myself that I can do the big three. But then I also have this overwhelming feeling of how? How am I going to do them? Can I really do them? It all seems like too much to handle. I feel like I will be constantly swimming to the surface to find I still have a few more inches of water over my head. I want to suck in the air, and know that I can do it, instead of this battle between my stubborn knowing, and my pitiful self-doubt. Two ladies came up to me in the Celestial room today because I was sobbing. I am sure they thought my boyfriend had broken up with me, not that I was worried about being able to write three different things.

Intellectually, I do not really understand why I am so concerned, why I have such feelings of self-doubt. But emotionally, I just feel so...unqualified, and like it is too much for me, one person, to handle. But I am not willing to let any of the big three go, so stubbornness and intellectuality will win of course. Oh and that I think it's what God wants me to do.

I get like this when I am contemplating and not actually doing. I haven't written since Idaho. I get caught up in having to make a difference in the world, and not just the everyday task of actually putting words on paper. I think I am somewhat staggered by the prospect of writing my blog entries for Politics by leadership. I am actually rather excited to start working on my personal history, but I feel behind--should have already written about Obama.

I am scared of obsessing about one of the big three now, and forever leaving the other two behind. That is what I am really scared of. I am scared of starting my personal history, and then never getting back to fiction, never getting back to the politics. That is why I must do them all three at the same time, because if I don't -- putting them off until later will be putting them off forever. I will never do them if one of the big three is already there.

Once I get myself started and am working on all three at once, I will get in the swing of things and be fine -- I am just daunted by the task. And I am giving up things so I can have the big three, and today I am feeling that. Not a temple worker, not playing in a musical. Less time sewing still.

I feel odd sharing my "I don't think I can do it" feelings. Because I fiercely believe in myself, and when I think about telling them to anyone, I think - well if they don't think I can do it, they are wrong. I am strong willed and I will do it. But that doesn't mean that some days, just on my own, I don't think I can do it.

Twilight -- no spoilers

It is fun to get obsessed with a book. It is fun to have a book that draws you in. I like reading.

Organizing is Impossible

This is my conclusion. You cannot organize your house. Entropy is too strong of a force. Just give in! If you have ever seen the show Clean House, the way those houses look before is our natural state! Houses are meant to be dirty and full of crap. Yay!

That being said, organizing my house is going pretty well. It is just this finishing up stuff that is annoying. It is like, where do I put all of these odds and ends? And how do I have all of these random things that serve no real purpose in my life. I am half tempted to just go through with a trash bag and put everything else that is unorganized in there. That would be a good way to make things organized.

And I am having a party tomorrow. It is to motivate me to clean up the house, which it is doing. And I think the party will be fun, but I am kind of stressed today. I haven't decided what kind of refreshments I am having, so yeah, it should be fun.

Heavenly Choirs

It is an amazing thing to hear 1000 voices sing together. United together, calling out to Israel, telling them God is calling. Tonight I heard those voices singing, and I sang with them. And as we got to the third verse, I heard our earthly voices supplemented by the voices of those from heaven. The voices filled the room, all united telling each other that God is calling us. Tonight I saw the union of heaven and earth, united in singing a song, and my voice was priveleged to be among them. We had all truly "come to Zion, come to Zion."

A New Life

It's amazing how a new life can change everything. Carolyn had her baby today, and I went to the hospital to see the addition to their family. I love Scott and Carolyn. They are amazing people. They are wonderful people to be chosen to raise a choice spirit of the Lord's. Soren is really cute, and special.

When a new life enters the world, it is changed forever. Each life of that life leaves its print on the world. Every life matters--long and short. The world is different today because Soren Duede was born. I am different. How amazing the miracle of life.

I'm done moving!

Hallelujah this day came. I honestly think I would have had a nervous breakdown if Emily, Ben, and Dad were not there to help me move. I have two more finals, and then I will be done with school. I am sad that I have not had the energy or time to get melancholy about school ending. Maybe tomorrow, but probably not, as exams are not very melancholy inducing. Last days of classes are melancholy inducing. Of everything that makes me mad about this situation, I think that makes me the maddest. How many times do you finish your bachelor's degree? And I didn't get to enjoy it. I am peeved about Christmas too, but Christmas at least comes again next year. Next year, I won't be graduating.

At least I am gone from that place. I can wash my hands of it.

For those of you who were upset with them as much or more than I was, I wrote them a letter today. Considering the circumstances, I thought it was a pretty nice letter. I just told them what they had done to me, Janardan, and my family. That alone was pretty grievous. I explained that I did not have the time nor the energy to clean the apartment, so that they would understand why I did not clean it.

I am tired and ready for a good long break. Going out east for three weeks could not be coming at a better time.

In the movie The Little Match Girl, there is an apartment complex that is being shut down and all the tenants are being told to leave a week before Christmas, escalating to a Christmas eve where they are supposed to be gone. All of this is of course orchestrated by an evil plotting man who cares nothing for the spirit of Christmas, and cares nothing for the people.

This is a scene that makes sense. An evil plotting man kicking people out of their homes on the eve of Christmas. That is why there is a bit of disconnect when it is nice kind people who kicked me out of my home practically on the eve of Christmas.

Last Thursday I was invited up to the home of my landlords. They had called me on Wednesday saying there was a possibility that they would be moving, and were wondering if we had plans on moving since I was graduating. I told them no I did not plan on moving, and we would love to be tenants here if they decided to sell the house. Well on Thursday they told me that they did not intend to sell the house, but they want to rent the entire house, and so when would we be able to move out. I mentioned that we are going on a trip right after Christmas, and so by the end of January would be a good time for us. They say they need to be gone by January 2, so could we *try* to find a place to move before we leave. So we start discussing options. I tell them I don't really know that many people in the ward that have apartments, and do they know people. Mike offers to call lots of people and really help me out. But then his wife suggests that he just give me the numbers so I can call them, because can't I do that?

Let us consider. Yes I do have the ability to enter numbers into a phone and call people and ask them if they have openings in their homes for someone who is going to be left stranded before Christmas...oh wait, I didn't know that yet. Back to the present. But yes, I had been planning on you know, working on Christmas presents, spending time with my dad, studying for tests.

So Friday comes and I have a test to take. I am freaking out, because they want me to move before I leave on the 26th. I scour the internet looking for places with openings, finding nothing in my ward, nothing in my price range, nothing with the amenities I want. So I have to take a test, and I go into it knowing full well that with an hour of studying I probably could have aced it, but an hour away from looking for a place to stay was not something I had. I probably failed the test. Oh well.

When I get out of my test, I am greeted by a lovely voicemail from Mike, telling me that he wants us out by the 21st. And this is the grand disconnect. No evil overtone, no mwahaha I am so evil laugh...just...a kind voice...telling me that I am getting 2 weeks notice to move...right before Christmas...during finals week. "Let us know if there is anything we can do to help." How about letting me have a place to live? How about time to concentrate on getting good grades and feeling good about being a student, how about letting me enjoy the Christmas season? How about not putting the biggest amount of stress possible on me and therefore my husband....who has fibromyalgia that flares up when there are high stress situations. Oh wait, there was some mercy, by some freak accident you chose to kick me out in just enough time for me to be able to move while my dad is here so there is a lot less stress on Janardan, but wait...you didn't know that, and therefore did not even care.

The good news is that we got a place, and it is on the same block as Emily. I won't have a yard, but hopefully some plants can grow in the windows. It is a lot bigger place, and the rent is a little cheaper, but we will have to pay for utilities. We have our own washer and dryer. The kitchen is kind of funky, in that it cannot have a traditional oven, so we will see how that works out. (It is zoning laws...which I may be tempted to dispense with if I don't end up liking the arrangement, and the landlord shouldn't get in trouble as long as she doesn't know.) But if I like it, that will be nice.

The bad news is that I have to move. Saturday, some yesterday, and then a whole day today of packing, moving, unpacking. Well the first of today was actually me almost having a nervous breakdown. Seriously I think if my dad were not here, I would have had a nervous breakdown this morning, but when I started freaking out, I just had Janardan call dad, and he came and read Harry Potter to me.

This situation has made me think a lot about evility. We so often associate in movies these people who are evil through and through, who kick their dogs and cheat on their wives, and they are the ones kicking people out of their homes on Christmas, but when the Hawleys do it, it is not because they are bad people, but because they do not think. They probably have not ever once considered what their actions mean to me in my life. I think they would care if they thought, but they do not care to think. And that perhaps is the greatest evil. When you think you do good, and you do harm, it is the worst kind of deception--of yourself.

Edit: At least now I will be able to write lawful good villains.

Vacation Is Over

It is amazing how being home can just stress you. I had a really great vacation, and was rested and pretty stress-free, and then last night I got home and had tons of dreams about doing poorly on tests and having presentations that were unprepared for. And so today I have just been a little stressed because of those things, and then on top of that today was like the first day ever that Nursery has been stressful, as we had about four kids crying at one time throughout the whole time. I had one kid who I had to chase down and get. That was fun, but it was still kind of stressful.

I think I am also stressed because Janardan hasn't been feeling well today and so it seems more like he wants me to do stuff for him, and I just don't feel up to it, and it was nice when his mom was doing that kind of thing for him this past week, even though he didn't need it as much as he would have needed it today.

I am glad I have less than a month left of school. I think I would probably have a breakdown if it was going to be much longer than that. Of course if it was going to be longer than that I would have never made myself so busy because I knew I couldn't handle it, but you know. I think I am just tired and ready for a break, and five days was not enough.

I wanted to get straight As this semester, but I think I'm gonna have a few A-s. There is no universal standard, and an A means a different thing in every class -- in some it has more to do with the teacher than the student. I don't know how to stay motivated to do well when such disparity exists.

School Is Consuming

I really like school. I like taking classes, and getting an education. I enjoy most of my classes, well no, I enjoy some aspects of all of my classes, just not always the lectures. I don't really have much time for a lot outsides of school. I don't have the energy to write everyday, but I miss writing. I am enjoying going to school, but I am excited for it to be done, so I can start writing again, and being so domestic.

I am, however, finding slight times to be domestic. Yesterday, I made myself about 45 mini pizzas. I still have more crusts to finish. I have three varieties so far, and I am going to make more. My goal is to be able to feed myself for the rest of the semester on campus with the pizzas I am making now. I think I am going to try making a few more crusts, and this supply could last me past the end of the semester which would be nice.

I got really stressed out on Friday, though. I went out grocery shopping, and to the movie store, and to Del Taco, and it just kind of overwhelmed me. I think I was partially freaking out, because Janardan may be getting normal sick, which means he could be a lot worse off, and I don't have the energy to take care of him, and do school, right now. But, I think I will be able to manage, just learning how not to over-extend myself, so I end up depressed, which doesn't help anybody.

I am really excited about my Christmas Tree skirt. I have 3/5 scenes done with applique, so just 2 more to go. There is still a bit to do after that, but it will seem a lot more doable. I think I should have it done by Thanksgiving, and if not, be able to finish it over the break.

I am really enjoying my singing class. I can already feel myself learning technique, and feeling less strain in my voice when I sing. There is this posture that my teacher gets me into that opens me up a lot, but I cannot figure out how to do it on my own.

So things are going good, but I miss writing, and I am excited when school is over and I will have the energy for it again, because I learn a lot about myself through writing.