Goodbye

I knew I was going to be saying goodbye to this blog sooner or later. If I didn't have yri in the address, I might have considered just going along with it, but I think it's good with me going back to Weinheimer to not have a remnant of Yri being something I use frequently.

Yesterday I was talking to my sister, after having talked to Janardan, and I decided that I'm not going to talk to him anymore, that it's just what I need to do to move on. It seems like this ideal to me, to remain friends after relationships, that this is the ultimate desirable situation when a relationship ends. But yesterday I realized that if I keep that channel open in some way, that chapter of my life is not over. When my sister sort of suggested it, I was like "Can I really be a good person and not want to be friends with him?" I will always love him. But it is time to move on.

I got on...oh maybe 3 hours ago (got side-tracked making a new blog) to write this post, and then I thought that I wanted it to be not just the goodbye to Janardan, but the goodbye to this blog.

It's been a learning experience, as life always is. But now I am ready for the next great adventure. (That is a link to my new blog by the way. Go on over and check it out! Update your readers, followings, etc!)

Amano Chocolate Tastings!

Hey, since I got the word out on them for my favorite things post, I thought I'd give them another plug today, since I saw this post. They'll be having tastings up in Salt Lake coming up. Here are the dates and times:

Feb 12th 3 – 7 PM	4th South Whole Foods 645 E 400 S Salt Lake City, UT
Feb 13th 11 AM – 5 PM	Liberty Heights Fresh 1290 S 1100 E Salt Lake City, UT
Feb 20th 12 PM – 3 PM	Whole Foods Highland 6930 South Highland Drive Salt Lake City, UT

I'm planning on going to the one on the 13th as soon as it opens, so if anyone wants to go with me, just let me know!

Pinning Down what I don't like that I did

Situations arise, and sometimes I think, yeah, that is totally not how I would have liked to handle the situation. Most of the time I can figure out a better way to do so, and trace back through cause and effect, and get to the cause that is the best source for changing how things will be affected, and so things can be properly dealt with.

Then sometimes, things happen, and I am like, what how and why did that happen? And I have no idea where exactly I went wrong, why I went wrong, and what to do about it. I am ... perplexed by myself. Like I know that there are times where my judgment is not as good as other times, and it is usually fairly predictable, and I can anticipate and compensate for it, by making sure I don't do anything terribly invasive while in that mode. But sometimes, I am just taken totally by surprise, and overreact terribly to something.

But then, I can understand why things would get my upset. And it is not that I think I shouldn't be upset. But, at the same time, I think I blew things out of proportion.

I don't like causing drama. It is why I am reserved. It is why I am so nice. It is why I do so much of what I do, not all of it for the best. Sometimes it is better to have some drama in your life. But when I cause drama, I do pause, and try to figure out why, try to think of how it can be avoided.

But I don't really know how to do that when I can't figure out why I caused it in the first place. Life is weird.

I believe in myself

Joe: Do you believe in God?

Patricia: I believe in myself.

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. I don't really know why, it just kind of runs around in my head. (It's from Joe versus the Volcano, a great movie.) I think it is because as I have been going through the divorce, I have come to have this stronger belief in myself, and so I identify with the strength of that statement "I believe in myself." But to me, it is because I believe in God that I believe in myself. It is knowing that I am his daughter with a divine destiny and purpose, and that all things will be consecrated for my good.

I think it also gets into the matter of control. I have control over what I can do, I can affect my attitude, my actions, my responses, but there are so many things that I cannot control. But I believe in myself. I believe that what matters more for my happiness and ability to fulfill my purposes in life has more to do with what I can do than what others can stop me from doing.

It is strange. I believe in myself a lot more now that Janardan has left me. But I think that has much more to do with me than with him. I got caught up in an ideal, and potentials, and him him him, so much so that I think I lost a bit of myself. And it is not anything he asked for or sought out, it was me who did it. But there has been a big difference since he has gone.

I wondered for a bit, because when I got back home, and realized he was not coming back, I have had some of the happiest moments that I have had in a long time, and it was a lot of the time. I wondered if I should be more sad or heart-broken. But those times came too. But those times also came a lot and for a long time before he left. But I think it comes down to, I could not control what he did, but I could control how to react to it. And if I could be happy, I'd rather be happy.

I put a few things in my 101 goals that were things I had always hoped he would do with me or help me do, like brushing my teeth.

I wonder what I will think about him a few years down the road. I wonder what I'll think in just a few weeks. I've gone through a lot of different opinions of him in the past few months. I don't really have much of one lately, as I feel more readily the distance between us, and that the division of our lives is nearing completion. He just seems more or less irrelevant to my life.

I definitely think differently to how I thought a few months ago, and not just about him, but a lot about myself. And I think it is a lot better. I rejoice in the belief I have in myself. I know that I'll be okay, because I -am- okay. I know that I will do good things, because I am doing good things. I know that my life will have purpose, because it has purpose now. My life is beautiful to me, and every day precious, to further my ambitions, to work on my goals, and to become the person I want to be.

I believe in myself because I am doing what I want to be doing. But again, I would be nothing without the Lord, and my Savior. It is the atonement that heals me, that allows me to face each new day with a fresh perspective, excited by the prospects, and determination to do good. I believe in myself because they first believed in me.

Who is Mark?

I published this blog entry just a few days ago, which explains who Mark is kind of, but I think it was too old so it didn't send to anyone's RSS feeds or anything like that, so I invite everyone to go read that, as a brief explanation of who he is.

Having a year more of experience, I would say that our relationship is akin to a foster mom and son. As I was reading The Lost Boy, and he found the love of a mother for the first time in his foster mom, I felt like I knew exactly what he was talking about.

Mark is 15 now. He is dating a girl named Kim. He plays cricket, and is great at Sonic, with his favorite Sonic game being Sonic 3. He loves to play games and is very competitive. He wants to change the world. I love him so very much, and think he is the most amazing beautiful person. I feel honored that he calls me mom.

The Magic of a Rainbow Quilt

I am not a person who values material possessions. Most things to me are replaceable. Things may be expensive, but pretty much anything I have, I feel like I could replace or lose, and that'd be fine. I lost a lot of my journals a few years ago, and that was probably the worst thing, and it sucked and kinda gave me weird guilt and grief, but still not really that much.

There is one thing in my possession now that I consider my most prized possession. And it is my rainbow quilt. If you are reading this from my blog, you can see it in all its glory all about these words.

I've written about this rainbow quilt before, and while it was special to me then, it is nothing to how special it is to me now. When Mark came into my life, I wanted so desperately to give him physical manifestations of love in the real world. So last Christmas, I sent him a small quilt, patterned after this larger one, the symbolism of mother and child ever apparent in the manifestation. It was also something I could get done quickly. I wanted him to have something he could wrap up in, but I didn't have time to get it done for Christmas.

And so I sent it off to him, and he loved it. I would hold my rainbow blanket, and he would hold his, and it would connect us for that moment, and he could feel some small measure of love in his world that ached for it so much.

For his birthday, I finished up my other rainbow quilt, and I sent it off to him. Before I sent it off, I spent a week or two holding it each day, so that it would come with super mommy love all over it. I also put the two quilts together, so they would be bonded too. And then I packed that quilt in a box, and shipped it off to Australia.

And so now the magic of the rainbow blankies is that they connect mother and son across an ocean. I will hold my quilt, and Mark will wrap up in his, and it is a moment of beauty, to step out of the world, and take a moment to spend with my son, and to just see him. He amazes me. He is truly beautiful and amazing to me. And whenever I take a moment to stop, slow down, and appreciate that, I am filled with wonder.

That, to me, is the magical wonder of my most prized possession, my rainbow quilt.

Hmm....

I am in a silly mood. And I am not quite sure how direct to be about it. So yay vagueries!

Oh I am making myself laugh with all the things I am thinking about writing that I am not!

Oh what. WHAT! Yes!!! I just found another butternut squash. I thought I had eaten the last of them, but I still have one! This is exciting news. I am so excited for the summer to can and preserve a whole bunch of food. I've been working on my plan for what to do. I love to eat and eat well. And then other times, I don't eat at all and it is annoying.

I started this 101 goals in 1001 days. One of my goals was to brush my teeth every day. I missed yesterday, so now's the time to figure out how I'm gonna deal with that. Obviously I want to keep the goal up. So I don't know, do a brush twice to make it average out? I've already brushed more than once a day a few days though, so meh.

Once I receive my dough whisk, and buy an oven thermometer, I will have my first goal off my list completed. I also tried some Mahi Mahi as part of my trying seafood 8 times goal. One of my goals is to hug everyone as they come into my house. I was really good about it like, 2-3 weeks ago, then not many people have come over, and then I like, forget again. I will be vigilant though! I think I am like, trying to put good rituals into my life. There really is not much ritual to my life.

I've almost been at Vision a year. That is weird. Part of me feels like I've been there forever. It's weird to think that before a year ago, I wasn't there.

Also it seems to me that a fundamental question of parenthood is how much sleep is worth sacrificing for whatever. Like everything is a trade-off, and so much of it ends up revolving around sleep. I mean, there are lots of other ones too, like money too.

There are some things I like reading, but a lot of times with reading, it is not the reading, but having read something that I more enjoy. This being more true with non-fiction. Fiction generally is enjoying the process...otherwise I don't read it. I wonder if I would be more prone to reading more if I had never been forced to in school, or if I would be prone to reading even less because I have not had that experience as much. Because I think like, yeah it'd be nice to be forced to read something. It like, makes it easier to read things that are less compelling. It is a good motivation.

Also I am like, really not thinking. I feel like lately my blog is all thoughtful and whatever, but tonight I just feel stream of consciousness, kinda bouncing around.

I like to write. It is like, beautiful to me, to create or capture meaning.

I think people can be salespeople without having to be shady. I think there can be honesty in sales. I think sales reps discount themselves the most when they think that they have to be shady in order to get things. I don't really see why honesty isn't a core principle value at Vision. But anyway.

I am tired, and hopefully my water is ready so I can take a bath, then go to bed. I need to fix my bed at some point, but then I'm planning on selling it, so not really much point in getting the tubes filled right. I'm excited to move rooms. I should just get a bed and do it. But that'll require time...which I am pretty busy lately. I haven't even cleaned my kitchen really.

K, I'm done.

Why Filing for Divorce is much more Exciting than getting a Driver's License

1. I get my name back! Yay Weinheimer

2. It means I can start dating again!

3. It makes what has felt true for so long finally official

4. Life is moving on

Ok, it's not a long list, but really, I am excited about filing. Like sure running all around town and getting all my copies sorted out, and waiting in line is never fun. Bureaucracy in action. But at the end of it all, I'm just glad that I have just 90 days to wait, and then I'll be freed from the remaining burdens of this relationship.

I feel kinda weird saying that. I feel like I should be more sad or upset or something. But then again I don't feel bad, because if I still thought my relationship had a chance, I would be waiting for him to tell me it was over. Well, he already did tell me it was over, and that is why I filed. If I wasn't ready for it, I wouldn't have done it, and would have been content to keep waiting for him to do it. But I want to move on with my life. I want the world of possibilities to be open to me, in all aspects of my life.

There's a 90-day wait period, so April 27th I can go back to get the final motion put in. And in those 90 days, I'll hopefully sort out the rest of the things still deterring moving on...like all his belongings being strewn throughout the house. Sounds like he may be coming in a couple weeks to get them. I am looking forward to doing lots of re-arranging, and some re-decorating.

I feel this like, nagging in the back of my mind, in everything I say, that because I am happy and moving on that I feel like I need to somehow justify this by stating that this divorce is not what I wanted. Am I happy to have my divorce papers filed? Absolutely. I feel almost downright giddy. I think I worry about people judging me, because I would have been my harshest critic. I would have thought that I should be sad, and mourning, and my life on hold, and depressed.

Well, I'm not going to do that. I am not putting my life on hold, just because I am having a divorce. I guess the impression I don't want to give is that because I have changed my views on my marriage, and feel like it was not always the best thing, and feel like it could have been a lot better that I think those are reasons for giving up. I pretty much would have never given up on that relationship.

But being forced to give it up, yes I can see where it had a lot of failings, I can see the things that led to this point. I can see the things that I want to avoid like the plague in future relationships. I also see how I lost myself to the relationship, which may or may not have been Janardan's fault, and certainly was a ton of my fault. I can see how much it pulled me down emotionally.

But I think most of the joy and completeness I feel is the atonement filling in and healing me where I need to, and making it so it is irrelevant to my happiness whether Janardan made this tragic mistake or not. It is the atonement that brings me joy. It is the prospect of a bright future where the atonement can continue to heal and bring new life to me.

I am happy to be alive today. :) Life is beautiful and wonderful. And I love it.

I talked with Janardan today, and I felt this inclination (though I did not act on it) to talk to him about friendly things, instead of just finances and business. Feeling that, instead of bitterness or disappointment, -that- is nice. Filing for divorce was the last thing I asked him to do, and by doing it myself, I took my life back into my own hands. I am not depending on him anymore, and so he will not disappoint me anymore.

So maybe we can be friends. Maybe. We'll see.

Is this really what is happening?

I am experiencing a strange feeling right now. Like I've been sad and happy, and a whole mix of emotions, but this one is just like, getting to this moment of pure bewilderment. Like, I am looking at the finances, trying to sort out in my mind how everything should go, taking into account how things are changing, and then I am just like - we are really getting a divorce, how...weird.

This is not the path I thought my life would take, but it is where it is going anyway, and it is okay, just not what I expected. Like I am used to the sad face that people get when they find out newly, and that look of concern. I appreciate it, but for the most part do not need it when I am actually in the company of others. It is when I am alone that I feel more need of it. And then just like, I am getting used to things.

But it is still weird. This is what is happening? Really? I just kinda catch my breath and feel like, this is just weird. This is not how love is supposed to go. But not really in a sad way, just in a like, weird way. I mean, yes it's sad, but that's just not what I feel about it right now.

I guess I shrug and move on to the next step, and accept that it's weird, but it's happening. But life can be quite strange sometimes. I generally think that is a good thing. I think good things will come from this, just because of the atonement I think good things can come from everything, but I do not really think it is a good thing. So strange and bad.

Odd.