Embarassing Writing

It is weird. While I am in Texas, I am hoping to be able to finish a first draft of my first book, a book setting up the background for how Janardan and I got together. I have written a very short memoirsy-type thing about this particular time of life. Anyway, and I figure I will try and get this book published or self-publish or whatever. Anyway, and I will disperse it to the world. I have these plans for it, but even the minutest details, I closely guard, because I revert back to the 12,13,14-year-old that I was when these events unfolded. I guess I figure the quick like a bandaid method is preferable to telling lots of people over time.

Anyway, and so it makes me less expressive about things going on. Like the progress I am making on research and stuff like that, because I don't want to talk about it, because it is my closely guarded secret. It is embarassing as all get out, but that is not why I am reticent to share. I spent so long guarding my secrets then, that is hard for me to not continue to keep them now.

As in the reason I haven't really written anything the past day or two is because the main things I would want to write about have to do with this stuff. Sometimes I surprise myself. I don't want to write little things on my blog, but I am willing to proclaim my entire story to the whole world. But it also makes sense to me in a way. It would take a lot of explaining for people to understand what the things I would say mean, because I have kept them secret for so long, and so anything short of a book is not enough to tell the story.

I am nervous even to post this post, because admitting that I have a secret or have had is a more appropriate term is weird. I have felt more in touch with my 14-year old self today. And I just think, oh man, that was a hard time. Since I've been married, I've always thought it has been the hardest thing that I have been through, especially the first part of marriage, but there were difficulties I had then that I do not have at all now. I cannot look at my life now and say that my 14-year-old self did not know what difficulties were, for life was difficult then, and life is difficult now.

I guess today I just really felt for myself then, just like admitting how hard a time it was. I think revisiting that time in my life, having this book to help me, will be good for me to understand my own teenagers, just to cut through and see the difficulties they are having, and I know I won't be able to do anything to change them, but I'll be able to validate them, and say yeah -- you really are having a tough time. It is so real.

And so I am somewhat embarassed, but I am also very proud. I am highly proud, that I did it. I got through those years victorious. Those years were great for the manageable pieces of pain--it was then that I came to truly enjoy that.

Life is weird.