I believe in myself

Joe: Do you believe in God?

Patricia: I believe in myself.

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. I don't really know why, it just kind of runs around in my head. (It's from Joe versus the Volcano, a great movie.) I think it is because as I have been going through the divorce, I have come to have this stronger belief in myself, and so I identify with the strength of that statement "I believe in myself." But to me, it is because I believe in God that I believe in myself. It is knowing that I am his daughter with a divine destiny and purpose, and that all things will be consecrated for my good.

I think it also gets into the matter of control. I have control over what I can do, I can affect my attitude, my actions, my responses, but there are so many things that I cannot control. But I believe in myself. I believe that what matters more for my happiness and ability to fulfill my purposes in life has more to do with what I can do than what others can stop me from doing.

It is strange. I believe in myself a lot more now that Janardan has left me. But I think that has much more to do with me than with him. I got caught up in an ideal, and potentials, and him him him, so much so that I think I lost a bit of myself. And it is not anything he asked for or sought out, it was me who did it. But there has been a big difference since he has gone.

I wondered for a bit, because when I got back home, and realized he was not coming back, I have had some of the happiest moments that I have had in a long time, and it was a lot of the time. I wondered if I should be more sad or heart-broken. But those times came too. But those times also came a lot and for a long time before he left. But I think it comes down to, I could not control what he did, but I could control how to react to it. And if I could be happy, I'd rather be happy.

I put a few things in my 101 goals that were things I had always hoped he would do with me or help me do, like brushing my teeth.

I wonder what I will think about him a few years down the road. I wonder what I'll think in just a few weeks. I've gone through a lot of different opinions of him in the past few months. I don't really have much of one lately, as I feel more readily the distance between us, and that the division of our lives is nearing completion. He just seems more or less irrelevant to my life.

I definitely think differently to how I thought a few months ago, and not just about him, but a lot about myself. And I think it is a lot better. I rejoice in the belief I have in myself. I know that I'll be okay, because I -am- okay. I know that I will do good things, because I am doing good things. I know that my life will have purpose, because it has purpose now. My life is beautiful to me, and every day precious, to further my ambitions, to work on my goals, and to become the person I want to be.

I believe in myself because I am doing what I want to be doing. But again, I would be nothing without the Lord, and my Savior. It is the atonement that heals me, that allows me to face each new day with a fresh perspective, excited by the prospects, and determination to do good. I believe in myself because they first believed in me.