Blog of a friend

Hey Everyone. I have a friend who started a new blog. He's 16, and writing about life as a teenager, and his thoughts, so go on over and check it out! Leave comments too :)

I am Amazed by my Ability to Doubt Myself

I've been in an off mood today. Just kind of sitting around doing nothing. Not that to physical appearances it looks that much difference from normal. I was at my computer, but just like, doing nothing. I was only half talking to people, with no real depth to my conversation. And I wasn't writing or doing anything else really. And it is easy for me to think that when I feel not up to doing anything, that I am then incapable of doing anything, and also that it is a not just a mood or a momentary thing, but an unalterable aspect of my personality. 

And then it is time for the Relief Society Broadcast, and so I put it on, just because it seemed like I may as well, if I wasn't doing anything else. And the talks are going along, and it is good, and I feel inspired at times, but then am just kind of looking at the clock, wondering when I will be over with my obligation. Then Dieter F. Uchtdorf stands up, and I feel like he could have been talking only to me, not to the other millions of women in the world. He told a nice story about how his wife is always looking for what could be better in her cooking, and it was cute, and I understood what he meant, but then he compared this to how women in general can at times think they are not good enough, and how nothing they do is ever good enough. That put me in tears right away. But then, to hear how he suggests addressing this problem, he talks about our incredible power as daughters of God to create. And here I am, a girl wondering why God wants me writing in the first place, wondering if I will ever be able to finish writing anything, let alone do some great work that will change people's lives, and there it is. We have the ability to create. I have the ability to create. I can put into words a story that contains truth and that touches people's lives. And then he also talked about how creating isn't just with a pen, or with a canvas - that it's in beautiful gardens, and in small acts of service. 

That made me think of things that I've had ideas for doing. Like just a simple little care package idea for people in TSC. And I guess just now I thought how I could probably connect myself more to the blogging world and the people's whose blogs I read by commenting more, and being involved, instead of passive in the process. 

Sometimes I feel so strong in myself, like I could never doubt myself, because I have such a strength in me. But then there are sometimes I feel so weak, like I am fooling myself that I can even do much for the people I love, let alone the world at large. It is so easy to catch myself feeling lonely, because I withdraw myself from other people, and because I want to hide. 

And while I have been writing this, I have been listening to this song, called Yes We Can, using the words from a speech by Barack Obama. I think of that one man, and the influence that he has had on my life, restoring my hope in my country. I think of that, and his unlikely story, and think that, yes, I too can make a difference. 

I am amazed at how well God knows me personally, and blesses me continually. Today, He restored my faith in me. 

Pushed

I just picked this book up from the library today, and already it is amazing me. I have read 13 pages, and been amazed at how many doctors are worried about the situation of our birthing. Doctors who think that inductions are too high, and our c-section rate. I emphasize the doctors, because then it is not some crazy hippie thing. It is not just some crazy home-birthers who like to eat granola who are saying there is a problem with our birthing system. Even the ACOG, which just released a horrible statement saying that they think the hospital is the safest place to birth have said that inductions should not be used as much as they are. 

Anyway, I am getting really excited, and also really sad reading this book. I am excited, because here is the evidence, put together in such a nice format that is understandable, but also very credible. But I am also sad that this is the state of birthing in our society. I am sad for all the women who have not been able to experience the empowerment of physiological birth. I am sad that women are not educated about the risks of inductions and c-sections - that these things are normal in our society. 

But I also have hope. I have hope that just as we got rid of stirrups, and let men into the delivery room that more advances can be made, that birth can become less medicalized, and that women can be informed, truly informed, about the decisions they make. I believe that we can turn the tides of outlawing midwife-attended homebirths. If so many people can disagree and argue about abortion, I think enough people can care about the insane things that happen to women that take away their rights to choose how they birth. 

I am excited to read more. 

We have a new apartment!

Emily just decided to move into the house next door to where she currently lives. And in that house, there are two apartments, one with 4 bedrooms, and one with two. So we are going to be moving into the 2-bedroom. I am so excited! It will still be two months til we actually move in there, because we'll be in Texas another month, then we're going to North Dakota for a month. But I am excited to know where we will be living when we return! So here is a video of the new apartment. Yay!

Quois

That was for you Nick.

Teenagerism

I've had "Apologize" in my head the past day, and then I started listening to it. And it makes me feel sort of sad, and it makes me feel all that tension. When I read through the lyrics, I understood why too. It's all about that difficulty with love - how he loves her, but he can't take her treating him badly. Not that that specifically relates to anything I've been through, but just reminded me of sitting at home listening to different music, and just feeling melancholy, and at times very sad. 

But looking back, I loved the tension and issues of being a teenager. I loved walking out onto an open dance floor and pretending there was no one else in the room but me, and just having a blast. I was a little taken aback awhile ago to have someone refer to me encouraging other people to dance with my dancing. The only way I could do it was by ignoring the fact that all those other people even existed. I miss dances so much. 

I also love the melancholy. Really, I like wallow in it, because I don't want to let it go. I don't know what my attachment to it is. It's not like it really feels all that good. It hurts. And it's not like I am thinking now that it will bring me some great happiness, because I don't even really want to be happy right now, because I want to be melancholy. I associate the feeling with being a teenager, because it is perhaps the strongest feeling I had in my high school years, whereafter it dropped off a lot, but which I also didn't experience a lot before then. 

I feel like I was born to be a teenager. I loved it. All the hormones, all the weird feelings, all the sadness over the littlest things. All the worrying so much about the tiniest contact with the guys that were my love interets. All the fantastical love, not really based on much grounded in the real world. Dancing my heart out. Walking down the hallway singing to myself, trying to overcome my caring what random strangers thought of me. 

Maybe one of the things I liked best was that it was really easy to see change in myself. The changes were so quick and drastic. Not caring about what other people thought about me (in general, not specifically), reading my scriptures, fasting, attending seminary, growing a garden. There were just all these things that were for my personal growth.

I think I just discovered why I like the melancholy. It's because it often leads to this feeling I have right now. Which isn't some cheerful feeling. It's more a heart-wrenching joy. It's pain and happiness all rolled up in one. It is such a richness of experience. And that is why I love it. Because the pain is what makes it real to me. 

But the troubles of my life nowadays do not usually produce this kind of feeling often, which is why I look back on teenage years with nostalgia, because I felt like this a lot. Why do I love it? Because to me, this is what eternal happiness will be like, I guess. There will have to be a lot of pain. I don't imagine that Heavenly Father doesn't experience pain for his children, but it makes his joy deeper. It's like my singing teacher would say with the voice. You make the voice darker, and it somehow comes lighter at the same time. 

Anyway, I guess I am not really saying anything much. Just that I enjoy the vast array of emotions that I get to experience in this life, the varying mixtures of sadness and joy. I try to avoid anger - that doesn't really add much to anything for me. But the sadness - it always provides me a new chance at rebirth. 

Ditch the Disposables

So I have read about the Ditch the Disposables challenge on various blogs that I visit (Heather and Monique), and went back to the source and read about it on Crunchy Domestic Goddess's blog too. I've read it, and each time thought that there wasn't really much I could do. I use reusable bags here, and most everything else is sort of out of my control...or would be too weirding out to do (like using wash cloths for the bathroom). So I figured I'd opt out of the challenge this time, because there wasn't really anything I could do, but I'd keep it in mind, and try and reconsider when we're back to living on our own.

But, with all this milling around in my head today, Janardan asked me in the morning for a napkin. He is always wanting napkins when he's eating his breakfast, and I don't like to give him a napkin every morning, because he doesn't want one. So we were keeping a stack in our bedroom, but naturally it got low, so now there are no napkins. But with all this challenge business in the background of my thoughts - it all came together in a culminating aha moment. 

I could ditch the disposable napkins!

So I went hunting around the room for a good fabric that would make good napkins. I really wasn't thinking too well, now that I think of it, because I totally skipped over my fabric drawers...and just checked where I have some project fabric in the closet. But perhaps this morning it was fortuitous, because I ended up remembering that just outside of our door is a box of Janardan's old T-shirts. I grabbed four off of the top of the stack and asked him which one I could cut up. So I cut one up and gave it to him, while I proceeded to cut the rest of it, and sew the edges down into nice hemmed sides...to very uneven napkins, but hey - it's better than rolly edges. 

I cut up a second t-shirt later tonight, and made 4 more napkins. So I too am trying to do my part to ditch the disposables! And here below is the beginning fruits of my labors (with two others already in the laundry basket from use!)

Janardan's Snoring is Keeping me Awake

He doesn't usually snore, so this is something different for me. I mean he usually has nightly noises, but  not so loud as this. Add to that that I am already kind of high-energy, trying to come down off of a peak. So sleeping isn't happening, even though it is late. 

So I am thinking that maybe I shouldn't run a marathon. As in I was talking to Janardan about what my doctor said back in the day with my knee surgery, and that in my 20s I'd probably have to have my meniscus replaced. Well...I really don't want to undergo surgery, and I think that's probably more important to me than running a marathon. So I think I'm going to divert myself into more triathlon things, and try to focus a lot less on running, and just run 2-3 miles max, unless I start training for a hardcore triathlon. Like...I am thinking that if I wanted to be really hardcore triathlon, I'd do an Ironman right? Well they have a half (never really seriously considered the full...figured I could decide to do that after the half). Anyway, so if I ever decide to do the IronMan in a few years (the half, again), then I may end up training for a half marathon, but I think that is the most I want to do. I don't think my knees and my hips can take all this running. I feel like an old lady already. I think it's the right decision, but it still makes me kind of sad. I was looking forward to knowing that I had trained and run a marathon. But again, being able to not have surgery and not putting so much stress on my body is more important to me. 

But being here in Texas, all the places to go to use the pools are like 3-4 miles away at least, and I like can't drive that much everyday. First of all it makes it take so long, and otherwise, it just like...you know, feels wrong doing it to exercise. I'm weird, I know. So I'm trying to figure out what I am going to do for exercise for the next two months here. I am thinking I will still run a little bit - do some two milers. And I guess I can do the exercise bike too, and I have yoga. It was just nice to be working toward a goal. I think my legs will thank me for stopping running though. Because they have pretty much been hurting all the time. My hips will hurt and keep me up at night, so this is probably a good idea. Also, I imagine if I start training for any type of running again anyway, I will do it somewhere where I don't have to run on concrete. It is killer on my joints. 

Also I cooked a lot today. I like cooking. Well...I'm going to hunt around for a disc of Medium to watch, maybe when an episode is over Janardan will have quieted down a bit and I'll be able to sleep.