Goodbye

I knew I was going to be saying goodbye to this blog sooner or later. If I didn't have yri in the address, I might have considered just going along with it, but I think it's good with me going back to Weinheimer to not have a remnant of Yri being something I use frequently.

Yesterday I was talking to my sister, after having talked to Janardan, and I decided that I'm not going to talk to him anymore, that it's just what I need to do to move on. It seems like this ideal to me, to remain friends after relationships, that this is the ultimate desirable situation when a relationship ends. But yesterday I realized that if I keep that channel open in some way, that chapter of my life is not over. When my sister sort of suggested it, I was like "Can I really be a good person and not want to be friends with him?" I will always love him. But it is time to move on.

I got on...oh maybe 3 hours ago (got side-tracked making a new blog) to write this post, and then I thought that I wanted it to be not just the goodbye to Janardan, but the goodbye to this blog.

It's been a learning experience, as life always is. But now I am ready for the next great adventure. (That is a link to my new blog by the way. Go on over and check it out! Update your readers, followings, etc!)

Amano Chocolate Tastings!

Hey, since I got the word out on them for my favorite things post, I thought I'd give them another plug today, since I saw this post. They'll be having tastings up in Salt Lake coming up. Here are the dates and times:

Feb 12th 3 – 7 PM	4th South Whole Foods 645 E 400 S Salt Lake City, UT
Feb 13th 11 AM – 5 PM	Liberty Heights Fresh 1290 S 1100 E Salt Lake City, UT
Feb 20th 12 PM – 3 PM	Whole Foods Highland 6930 South Highland Drive Salt Lake City, UT

I'm planning on going to the one on the 13th as soon as it opens, so if anyone wants to go with me, just let me know!

Pinning Down what I don't like that I did

Situations arise, and sometimes I think, yeah, that is totally not how I would have liked to handle the situation. Most of the time I can figure out a better way to do so, and trace back through cause and effect, and get to the cause that is the best source for changing how things will be affected, and so things can be properly dealt with.

Then sometimes, things happen, and I am like, what how and why did that happen? And I have no idea where exactly I went wrong, why I went wrong, and what to do about it. I am ... perplexed by myself. Like I know that there are times where my judgment is not as good as other times, and it is usually fairly predictable, and I can anticipate and compensate for it, by making sure I don't do anything terribly invasive while in that mode. But sometimes, I am just taken totally by surprise, and overreact terribly to something.

But then, I can understand why things would get my upset. And it is not that I think I shouldn't be upset. But, at the same time, I think I blew things out of proportion.

I don't like causing drama. It is why I am reserved. It is why I am so nice. It is why I do so much of what I do, not all of it for the best. Sometimes it is better to have some drama in your life. But when I cause drama, I do pause, and try to figure out why, try to think of how it can be avoided.

But I don't really know how to do that when I can't figure out why I caused it in the first place. Life is weird.

I believe in myself

Joe: Do you believe in God?

Patricia: I believe in myself.

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. I don't really know why, it just kind of runs around in my head. (It's from Joe versus the Volcano, a great movie.) I think it is because as I have been going through the divorce, I have come to have this stronger belief in myself, and so I identify with the strength of that statement "I believe in myself." But to me, it is because I believe in God that I believe in myself. It is knowing that I am his daughter with a divine destiny and purpose, and that all things will be consecrated for my good.

I think it also gets into the matter of control. I have control over what I can do, I can affect my attitude, my actions, my responses, but there are so many things that I cannot control. But I believe in myself. I believe that what matters more for my happiness and ability to fulfill my purposes in life has more to do with what I can do than what others can stop me from doing.

It is strange. I believe in myself a lot more now that Janardan has left me. But I think that has much more to do with me than with him. I got caught up in an ideal, and potentials, and him him him, so much so that I think I lost a bit of myself. And it is not anything he asked for or sought out, it was me who did it. But there has been a big difference since he has gone.

I wondered for a bit, because when I got back home, and realized he was not coming back, I have had some of the happiest moments that I have had in a long time, and it was a lot of the time. I wondered if I should be more sad or heart-broken. But those times came too. But those times also came a lot and for a long time before he left. But I think it comes down to, I could not control what he did, but I could control how to react to it. And if I could be happy, I'd rather be happy.

I put a few things in my 101 goals that were things I had always hoped he would do with me or help me do, like brushing my teeth.

I wonder what I will think about him a few years down the road. I wonder what I'll think in just a few weeks. I've gone through a lot of different opinions of him in the past few months. I don't really have much of one lately, as I feel more readily the distance between us, and that the division of our lives is nearing completion. He just seems more or less irrelevant to my life.

I definitely think differently to how I thought a few months ago, and not just about him, but a lot about myself. And I think it is a lot better. I rejoice in the belief I have in myself. I know that I'll be okay, because I -am- okay. I know that I will do good things, because I am doing good things. I know that my life will have purpose, because it has purpose now. My life is beautiful to me, and every day precious, to further my ambitions, to work on my goals, and to become the person I want to be.

I believe in myself because I am doing what I want to be doing. But again, I would be nothing without the Lord, and my Savior. It is the atonement that heals me, that allows me to face each new day with a fresh perspective, excited by the prospects, and determination to do good. I believe in myself because they first believed in me.