Feelings I enjoy

My old roommate and good friend Carolyn loves being happy. It comes natural to think that I like being happy, and I used to think that I like being happy, but I realized last week that I enjoy pain, and not in the masochistic way, well, at least I don't think so. I don't like physical pain in the least, but I enjoy manageable emotional pain.

The unfortunate thing is that just as happiness is fickle, so too is manageable emotional pain. The key word being manageable. Put yourself in too much emotional pain, and it crosses over to depression. Depression is not a feeling I enjoy, and yet one I find myself in more often that I would like. I realize, now, why that happens. It is because I am seeking that emotional pain.

I like being happy too, but I don't desire to be happy all the time. There is a richness that comes in pain that does not come from a life of contentment. In high school, it was easy to get these pain doses. Hormones running wild, liking lots of guys, all the confusion that comes with that, all of it that matters but doesn't matter--perfect for my desire for emotional pain. It's not actually the pain I like, it's that cathartic release, but I can enjoy the pain if I can tell there will be a release. It is when I see no end in sight that I get depressed. (As a note, I am using the term depressed loosely--I am not clinically depressed, I am more just referring to feeling blue for a series of days).

I wonder also if that is part of the reason I was drawn to Janardan as a marriage partner, the potential for emotional pain always being there, without his hurting me necessarily having to be the cause. Obviously that was not the only factor, as there were many others, much more obvious, and reasons I actually based the decision on. Just a musing.

I like to read sad books, books that explore sad concepts. I feel enriched by such experiences. They also tend to paint the beauty into the pain, which is the main reason I enjoy the pain, is because it is beautiful.

I guess thinking about the tree of knowledge of good and evil -- I would partake, just to have the wisdom and beauty that comes from pain. It truly does bring joy. I guess that is the difference to me-- happiness is the everyday contentment, where everything seems to be going well, and you feel good -- joy is the rises and falls, the leaps and the crumbling, all the while seeing the beauty of the experiences. Joy, to me, is the pain and the happiness. It is fuller.