The Sacrifices Associated with Life

Most of the time, I am largely unaware of the sacrifices I am making, or the choice between alternatives. It just seems that what I am choosing is what I am choosing, and not that I am choosing the present course instead of another, or at the expense of another. Lately I have been more aware of these forks in the road, these choices and how they affect things.

Today I came to grips with something -- you can't have it all. I knew it on several levels, but it hit home in a major way today. Being a more frictiony episode in my marriage (birthdays cause higher expectations that are easier to be dashed when your husband is physically unable to do a lot), today I spent the day reading a book, the second in the Twilight series. I was reading it, because I knew it would be an intense experience, and it could keep me from feeling my own emotions. So after I finished the book today, I hopped onto Stephenie Meyer's website, and was just reading through things. I read through an interview about her writing process, and emotions that have been floating on the back burner for the past week or so came to a head.

I have three avenues that I want to explore with my writing at present. First, I want to write fiction--fantasy and just tell true stories with fictional people. Second, I have been having more urging to write a personal history. Third, I want to give people an alternate view of the United States politicians, associated with the blog I have started called Politics by leadership -- found here (http://politicsbyleadership.blogspot.com/) if you are interested. All of these things are daunting tasks to me, all designed to change the world. I have high aspirations of leaving a lasting impression on this sphere we live on. I want people's lives to be different because I have lived on it. Better, hopefully.

A month or so ago, I sobbed because I could not be a professional quilter. That day I realized that it was that I was giving up to be a writer. I could have it as a hobby, but it couldn't consume my days. I thought when I graduated that I would become a temple worker. Today I went to the temple, and realized that is a sacrifice I will make so I can do those three things. I've wanted to be in a musical on Center Street, but I don't have that kind of time when I am doing these things -- another sacrifice.

And so of course looking at all these things makes me wonder how I will ever have time to do anything when I have kids. Stephenie said that she writes after her kids go to bed, and writes pretty much until she passes out from exhaustion. I don't think I can do that. I care too much about getting my body proper rest. I also want to have time to spend with my husband without the kids. I also want to study my scriptures each day, and I would like to keep reading as well -- all of these things that require alone time, which is just not as available when kids are there. Of course that is a concern I need not worry about for at least two years. My deal with Janardan expires a year from August, and then I would be pregnant for nine months. I have plenty of time to figure that one out.

I have a confidence in myself that I can do the big three. But then I also have this overwhelming feeling of how? How am I going to do them? Can I really do them? It all seems like too much to handle. I feel like I will be constantly swimming to the surface to find I still have a few more inches of water over my head. I want to suck in the air, and know that I can do it, instead of this battle between my stubborn knowing, and my pitiful self-doubt. Two ladies came up to me in the Celestial room today because I was sobbing. I am sure they thought my boyfriend had broken up with me, not that I was worried about being able to write three different things.

Intellectually, I do not really understand why I am so concerned, why I have such feelings of self-doubt. But emotionally, I just feel so...unqualified, and like it is too much for me, one person, to handle. But I am not willing to let any of the big three go, so stubbornness and intellectuality will win of course. Oh and that I think it's what God wants me to do.

I get like this when I am contemplating and not actually doing. I haven't written since Idaho. I get caught up in having to make a difference in the world, and not just the everyday task of actually putting words on paper. I think I am somewhat staggered by the prospect of writing my blog entries for Politics by leadership. I am actually rather excited to start working on my personal history, but I feel behind--should have already written about Obama.

I am scared of obsessing about one of the big three now, and forever leaving the other two behind. That is what I am really scared of. I am scared of starting my personal history, and then never getting back to fiction, never getting back to the politics. That is why I must do them all three at the same time, because if I don't -- putting them off until later will be putting them off forever. I will never do them if one of the big three is already there.

Once I get myself started and am working on all three at once, I will get in the swing of things and be fine -- I am just daunted by the task. And I am giving up things so I can have the big three, and today I am feeling that. Not a temple worker, not playing in a musical. Less time sewing still.

I feel odd sharing my "I don't think I can do it" feelings. Because I fiercely believe in myself, and when I think about telling them to anyone, I think - well if they don't think I can do it, they are wrong. I am strong willed and I will do it. But that doesn't mean that some days, just on my own, I don't think I can do it.