Wheel of Fortune Speedrunning

I was just looking back at my last entry, and saw the time was 4:07. We have gotten sub-4 a few times, our best being the first time when we got 3:37. We are now thinking maybe we can get sub3:30. Wish us luck!

Muse, Cheese, and Jobs

When I envisioned looking for a job, I always thought I would start looking the beginning of February, that being a nice round date after getting home from Puerto Rico. But then I got back, and though, hey I should start looking earlier, so I might be able to start working by the beginning of February. At the end of last week, I had sent out lots of resumes, and only had one interview, which seemed to fall flat. And so I had been despairing a bit. Then Friday, I got calls for two interviews this week, and I have gotten so many more interviews set up this week. I also emailed my old employer, and that seems like a pretty confirmed job, though it may not be for a while, but it makes me feel at peace knowing that if I don't find someone else I want more and that works better for me, I do have something that at least somewhat works for what I would like. I really think I may get into sales this time of looking around for a job. Like all the sales jobs just peak extra interest in me. And then today I got a call about a minute after sending a resume to a job that looked really interesting to me (it was for selling food storage - something near and dear to me, so thus, I could be good at selling it), and the guy said he had to call him as he saw that I sold Cutco, and he had done so as well. So I am really looking forward to that interview. 

Today I ordered the supplies I need to start making cheese, so in a week or so I may be able to make my first attempt! I am excited. I didn't get the stuff needed to make Brie. I'm gonna try a few others first. The two cheeses I really want to make a lot of are brie and havarti, but they both require a few specialized things, so I'm starting with havarti. And I am excited to start off with mozarella, so I can start by making some string cheese! Anyway, I am wayyy jazzed. Should be the beginning of the next exciting adventure. (Speaking of next exciting adventures, I think my next plan is to learn to dye fabric. Seeing as cheesemaking took me about 2 years to get around to, I figure I may actually start in about 2 years, but it will happen!)

So lots of people at TSC play Guitar Hero, and one of the songs on there is Knights of Cydonia, so I have listened to this song, and like it. So I started poking around youtube, and have found that I really like Muse. Like, they are really good. It is not just a few good songs, I like pretty much everything I have heard by them. So, they're good. I like finding new music to enjoy~

(Love how I told these things in reverse of how I titled them? Me too.)

My current time for a wheel-of-fortune speedrun is 4:07. We're going for sub-4. Maybe today we will do it!

New Motherhood

First of all, no I am not pregnant, and no I won't become pregnant soon. Today is Thanksgiving. I don't know when I will actually feel ready to post this on my blog, but I want to have it here, so that when I'm ready, I can.

Halfway across the world, in a town in Australia, lives a boy who I met less than two months ago, but in that time, I have come to love him as one of my own children. And it is like, I love my Mark, and I feel like I understand the love of a parent now. That love that will make you do anything for them, that makes their happiness the most important thing in the world, their sadness and pain your own. And I am filled with the happiness of a new parent, having found this child, who needs me so much. And I just want to share my joy with the world, tell them how amazing it is to be a mom, to love someone so much, but like, I feel weird, because he didn't come from my womb, he's not related to me at all by blood, nor legal adoption. He still lives with his biological parents, and will, but like, I still claim him as my own. Someone asked me today if I had any kids, and I gave the easy answer and said no, but my heart wanted to scream yes. How it tears my heart to see him sad, and to know he is hurt, and how it buoys up my heart to see him smile, and know that he is happy.

It has given me such an understanding of parenthood, the insane worry that comes with it, the intense desire to protect, the feelings of futility when there is nothing that I can do to make things better, except offer a desire to hold him.

And so I announce to the world, I am a new mother! This is my new son: Mark Alexander McKenzie.

(I wrote this over a year ago, it was written in 2008. I finally felt ready to share it with the world. It has been a rough, but amazing year, and my son is barely recognizable to who he was then. He has grown up and matured so much. He is beautiful and wonderful, and I am privileged to have him call me mom.)

The Church is not Republican!

http://ldslivingonline.com/article.php?articleId=79643

This article is great. As in, being a non-republican (I'm independent with some democrat leanings), it makes me so happy to have this said so plainly. I love hearing the letters in church, where they tell you to go home and pray about who to vote for, and that the church is neutral on political issues. I then hate when people act like the church is republican. It is not. 

There are so many good points about the political prospect in Utah not being healthy, because it does not make room for dialogue. A one party system just makes a tyranny of the majority. As in, if you are in Utah, I urge you especially to read this article, and to really evaluate your political leanings. Perhaps democrat doesn't need to be the other party, but I think it is vital that there be political involvement besides just in the republican party. Of course, however, if after an assessment, you find that the party matches your leanings best, then that is the party you should be with. It is a good time to take a look and make sure we are politically in the right place, and not just there because we think that is the church's party. >_>

Abortion

Ok, I like, don't usually talk much about controversial topics on here, but hey, I guess that is changing with my most recent posts. As in, so many people will make decisions in this election based on abortion. I think that is somewhat foolish, but that is not really what I am here to talk about. I'm just going to share my view.

I believe in the awesome power of agency. It is so vital that people be able to choose. Obviously there are times in our society when this must be limited, or there must be known consequences. There is so much division over this issue, when I think what we need is a union. We divide ourselves by thinking that we are either pro-life or pro-choice. What is so much more important to me is that people be educated on their choices and consequences. Having sex has the possible result of having a baby. There are obvious ways to avoid this, such as the use of contraceptives. I think it is also important, however, that people understand there are other consequences to having sex outside of a committed relationship (not just talking about marriage here, though of course I think marriage is the best setting). As in, I am going to point the finger here at religious people, and particularly at myself and LDS people. It is so easy for us to go into a little booth and vote for someone who agrees with us, but it is a lot harder for us to speak out against promiscuous behavior, to inform others that there is another way. And I don't just mean going and telling the people we know at church that we believe that way. There are people to be reached, and to some extent, I think it is our responsibility to go and find them. And here, I am talking to myself as much as anybody else. I feel unequal to the task as well, which is why it scares me, and why I have done nothing to this point. But I think our civic duty goes beyond voting for someone to uphold our values, when the real place for action to happen is not in government at all. And so I feel the burden to reach out, beyond my own friends and community, to help my society.

The Sanctity of Sex

I feel compelled to write about this. In the climate of our world today, it is much easier to tell a joke than talk about the sanctity and beauty of sexual relations. I think we discredit ourselves a lot by making it a taboo subject. And so I am going to throw taboo to the wind.

Sex is beautiful. Between a man and a woman who are married according to God's laws, and who are simply trying to express their love to one another, I think I have experienced nothing that is quite as beautiful. And the version that Satan sells to the world is a cheap imitation. Pornography, pre-marital sex, and even selfishness in sex in marriage are all things that Satan sells the world to get them to relieve the biological urge, and to leave the spiritual urge left totally unfulfilled. 

I was weeping today thinking about pornography, and how much of an empty shell it is. I think I wept for the loss, because it is just like a dead body, which is no longer the person who had life. 

I feel a great burden. I am used to going around and not stepping on people's toes, letting them believe what they believe, and I will believe what I believe. And then MK has shown me that there are times when you need to be bold, and need to stand up for what is right in the situation. 

So I will not ask forgiveness in being bold. Pornography is evil. Sex outside of marriage is wrong. There is a beauty and a joy that can only be experienced through the work (yes work at sex) and the companionship of husband of wife. All else pales in comparison. It has taken me 2 years of marriage to learn that this even exists. But I also know that it is not unique, and that the Lord desires all of His children to come and partake of the beautiful gift, if they will so but appreciate the holiness that is cleaving one to the other. 

Ok time for another blog shout out

Hey all! I have another friend who as requested people check out her blog~ So here is Jessica's blog.  I only have interesting friends, so it should be interesting! :D

What Have I Been Doing This Week?

The simple answer is short: http://www.epicmafia.com/

But that is not the whole answer. 

I have bit by bit been enmeshing myself into the TSC Community. (TSC being the website that Janardan runs, for Sonic fans to compete against each other). It started by me making good friends with MK. We started talking a lot, and now we are really close friends. He understands a lot of what me and Janardan are going through, because he faces similar, if different, challenges. But his schedule is unpredictable, and so when I was getting used to looking to talk to him, I started looking in TSC, because then I would be there when he came round. 

And so I started talking with people, and I decided that it'd be fun to send some people care packages, so I started a topic about that on the forum. And some people started talking about cooking as a result of that, so I've started a mini-blog on the forum about that, so this group of guys can learn to cook. And then...somehow I got involved in Mafia. 

I love Mafia the party game. Always had, so ever since people in TSC started talking about it, I had wanted to try, but registration and such at things like that can be a hassle, so I had never watned to do it right then. A few days ago, though, I wasn't really doing much else, so I thought it would be a fun diversion. And what it has really done is made me feel like a part of a community again. I feel so often like such an individual, so introverted, because I enjoy doing lots of things by myself. But I love people, and I love being part of a group. I remember first experiencing it freshman year of college. Here we are, all coming from this community, this tight-knit bunch of people. 

And so, this is tribute to the new friends that I have discovered.

SkyL - who has an unwitting love of Tikal, an eternal hate for Shade, and who is so intriguing to me

PPA - a German who loves to play

genus - someone intelligent who respects my intelligence - I value that respect a lot

mike89 - who is so fun to be co-conspirators with

SonicAD - who bemoans me every time I ask him to play, because he is as addicted as I am, and so cannot say no

Stefan - who is obsessed with the fact that I am always Mafia, even though I am not!

The_T - who has a very bad temper, but I like him anyway

Upth - who I am always convinced does not live in America because of the hours he keeps, and who plays Carcasonne with me when everyone else has gone to bed

Bertin/Achlys/Alondite - they all kind of blend together to me, because they never really talk

Paraxade - who seems to have just as much free time as I do, as he is always up for a game

Spinballwizard - who plays, but seems to like playing with non-TSC people better

ShadowJacky - who refuses to play, because he cannot play in Firefox 3, and who chides me all the time about being addicted to Mafia

OSG - I'll throw him in here, even though he has nothing to do with mafia, because he just talks to me

RPG - who seems to care so much about people showing caring about him that I can't help but care for him

CosmicFalcon - who we always joke is going to steal me away from Rolken

And I'm sure I've missed a few, like Quartz and Sondow, who I care about, but don't know what to say. But here they are, and they all matter to me. 

So when I say, I've been playing Mafia all week, I hope you can see that I've been doing so much more. 

Blog of a friend

Hey Everyone. I have a friend who started a new blog. He's 16, and writing about life as a teenager, and his thoughts, so go on over and check it out! Leave comments too :)

I am Amazed by my Ability to Doubt Myself

I've been in an off mood today. Just kind of sitting around doing nothing. Not that to physical appearances it looks that much difference from normal. I was at my computer, but just like, doing nothing. I was only half talking to people, with no real depth to my conversation. And I wasn't writing or doing anything else really. And it is easy for me to think that when I feel not up to doing anything, that I am then incapable of doing anything, and also that it is a not just a mood or a momentary thing, but an unalterable aspect of my personality. 

And then it is time for the Relief Society Broadcast, and so I put it on, just because it seemed like I may as well, if I wasn't doing anything else. And the talks are going along, and it is good, and I feel inspired at times, but then am just kind of looking at the clock, wondering when I will be over with my obligation. Then Dieter F. Uchtdorf stands up, and I feel like he could have been talking only to me, not to the other millions of women in the world. He told a nice story about how his wife is always looking for what could be better in her cooking, and it was cute, and I understood what he meant, but then he compared this to how women in general can at times think they are not good enough, and how nothing they do is ever good enough. That put me in tears right away. But then, to hear how he suggests addressing this problem, he talks about our incredible power as daughters of God to create. And here I am, a girl wondering why God wants me writing in the first place, wondering if I will ever be able to finish writing anything, let alone do some great work that will change people's lives, and there it is. We have the ability to create. I have the ability to create. I can put into words a story that contains truth and that touches people's lives. And then he also talked about how creating isn't just with a pen, or with a canvas - that it's in beautiful gardens, and in small acts of service. 

That made me think of things that I've had ideas for doing. Like just a simple little care package idea for people in TSC. And I guess just now I thought how I could probably connect myself more to the blogging world and the people's whose blogs I read by commenting more, and being involved, instead of passive in the process. 

Sometimes I feel so strong in myself, like I could never doubt myself, because I have such a strength in me. But then there are sometimes I feel so weak, like I am fooling myself that I can even do much for the people I love, let alone the world at large. It is so easy to catch myself feeling lonely, because I withdraw myself from other people, and because I want to hide. 

And while I have been writing this, I have been listening to this song, called Yes We Can, using the words from a speech by Barack Obama. I think of that one man, and the influence that he has had on my life, restoring my hope in my country. I think of that, and his unlikely story, and think that, yes, I too can make a difference. 

I am amazed at how well God knows me personally, and blesses me continually. Today, He restored my faith in me. 

Pushed

I just picked this book up from the library today, and already it is amazing me. I have read 13 pages, and been amazed at how many doctors are worried about the situation of our birthing. Doctors who think that inductions are too high, and our c-section rate. I emphasize the doctors, because then it is not some crazy hippie thing. It is not just some crazy home-birthers who like to eat granola who are saying there is a problem with our birthing system. Even the ACOG, which just released a horrible statement saying that they think the hospital is the safest place to birth have said that inductions should not be used as much as they are. 

Anyway, I am getting really excited, and also really sad reading this book. I am excited, because here is the evidence, put together in such a nice format that is understandable, but also very credible. But I am also sad that this is the state of birthing in our society. I am sad for all the women who have not been able to experience the empowerment of physiological birth. I am sad that women are not educated about the risks of inductions and c-sections - that these things are normal in our society. 

But I also have hope. I have hope that just as we got rid of stirrups, and let men into the delivery room that more advances can be made, that birth can become less medicalized, and that women can be informed, truly informed, about the decisions they make. I believe that we can turn the tides of outlawing midwife-attended homebirths. If so many people can disagree and argue about abortion, I think enough people can care about the insane things that happen to women that take away their rights to choose how they birth. 

I am excited to read more. 

We have a new apartment!

Emily just decided to move into the house next door to where she currently lives. And in that house, there are two apartments, one with 4 bedrooms, and one with two. So we are going to be moving into the 2-bedroom. I am so excited! It will still be two months til we actually move in there, because we'll be in Texas another month, then we're going to North Dakota for a month. But I am excited to know where we will be living when we return! So here is a video of the new apartment. Yay!

Quois

That was for you Nick.

Teenagerism

I've had "Apologize" in my head the past day, and then I started listening to it. And it makes me feel sort of sad, and it makes me feel all that tension. When I read through the lyrics, I understood why too. It's all about that difficulty with love - how he loves her, but he can't take her treating him badly. Not that that specifically relates to anything I've been through, but just reminded me of sitting at home listening to different music, and just feeling melancholy, and at times very sad. 

But looking back, I loved the tension and issues of being a teenager. I loved walking out onto an open dance floor and pretending there was no one else in the room but me, and just having a blast. I was a little taken aback awhile ago to have someone refer to me encouraging other people to dance with my dancing. The only way I could do it was by ignoring the fact that all those other people even existed. I miss dances so much. 

I also love the melancholy. Really, I like wallow in it, because I don't want to let it go. I don't know what my attachment to it is. It's not like it really feels all that good. It hurts. And it's not like I am thinking now that it will bring me some great happiness, because I don't even really want to be happy right now, because I want to be melancholy. I associate the feeling with being a teenager, because it is perhaps the strongest feeling I had in my high school years, whereafter it dropped off a lot, but which I also didn't experience a lot before then. 

I feel like I was born to be a teenager. I loved it. All the hormones, all the weird feelings, all the sadness over the littlest things. All the worrying so much about the tiniest contact with the guys that were my love interets. All the fantastical love, not really based on much grounded in the real world. Dancing my heart out. Walking down the hallway singing to myself, trying to overcome my caring what random strangers thought of me. 

Maybe one of the things I liked best was that it was really easy to see change in myself. The changes were so quick and drastic. Not caring about what other people thought about me (in general, not specifically), reading my scriptures, fasting, attending seminary, growing a garden. There were just all these things that were for my personal growth.

I think I just discovered why I like the melancholy. It's because it often leads to this feeling I have right now. Which isn't some cheerful feeling. It's more a heart-wrenching joy. It's pain and happiness all rolled up in one. It is such a richness of experience. And that is why I love it. Because the pain is what makes it real to me. 

But the troubles of my life nowadays do not usually produce this kind of feeling often, which is why I look back on teenage years with nostalgia, because I felt like this a lot. Why do I love it? Because to me, this is what eternal happiness will be like, I guess. There will have to be a lot of pain. I don't imagine that Heavenly Father doesn't experience pain for his children, but it makes his joy deeper. It's like my singing teacher would say with the voice. You make the voice darker, and it somehow comes lighter at the same time. 

Anyway, I guess I am not really saying anything much. Just that I enjoy the vast array of emotions that I get to experience in this life, the varying mixtures of sadness and joy. I try to avoid anger - that doesn't really add much to anything for me. But the sadness - it always provides me a new chance at rebirth. 

Ditch the Disposables

So I have read about the Ditch the Disposables challenge on various blogs that I visit (Heather and Monique), and went back to the source and read about it on Crunchy Domestic Goddess's blog too. I've read it, and each time thought that there wasn't really much I could do. I use reusable bags here, and most everything else is sort of out of my control...or would be too weirding out to do (like using wash cloths for the bathroom). So I figured I'd opt out of the challenge this time, because there wasn't really anything I could do, but I'd keep it in mind, and try and reconsider when we're back to living on our own.

But, with all this milling around in my head today, Janardan asked me in the morning for a napkin. He is always wanting napkins when he's eating his breakfast, and I don't like to give him a napkin every morning, because he doesn't want one. So we were keeping a stack in our bedroom, but naturally it got low, so now there are no napkins. But with all this challenge business in the background of my thoughts - it all came together in a culminating aha moment. 

I could ditch the disposable napkins!

So I went hunting around the room for a good fabric that would make good napkins. I really wasn't thinking too well, now that I think of it, because I totally skipped over my fabric drawers...and just checked where I have some project fabric in the closet. But perhaps this morning it was fortuitous, because I ended up remembering that just outside of our door is a box of Janardan's old T-shirts. I grabbed four off of the top of the stack and asked him which one I could cut up. So I cut one up and gave it to him, while I proceeded to cut the rest of it, and sew the edges down into nice hemmed sides...to very uneven napkins, but hey - it's better than rolly edges. 

I cut up a second t-shirt later tonight, and made 4 more napkins. So I too am trying to do my part to ditch the disposables! And here below is the beginning fruits of my labors (with two others already in the laundry basket from use!)

Janardan's Snoring is Keeping me Awake

He doesn't usually snore, so this is something different for me. I mean he usually has nightly noises, but  not so loud as this. Add to that that I am already kind of high-energy, trying to come down off of a peak. So sleeping isn't happening, even though it is late. 

So I am thinking that maybe I shouldn't run a marathon. As in I was talking to Janardan about what my doctor said back in the day with my knee surgery, and that in my 20s I'd probably have to have my meniscus replaced. Well...I really don't want to undergo surgery, and I think that's probably more important to me than running a marathon. So I think I'm going to divert myself into more triathlon things, and try to focus a lot less on running, and just run 2-3 miles max, unless I start training for a hardcore triathlon. Like...I am thinking that if I wanted to be really hardcore triathlon, I'd do an Ironman right? Well they have a half (never really seriously considered the full...figured I could decide to do that after the half). Anyway, so if I ever decide to do the IronMan in a few years (the half, again), then I may end up training for a half marathon, but I think that is the most I want to do. I don't think my knees and my hips can take all this running. I feel like an old lady already. I think it's the right decision, but it still makes me kind of sad. I was looking forward to knowing that I had trained and run a marathon. But again, being able to not have surgery and not putting so much stress on my body is more important to me. 

But being here in Texas, all the places to go to use the pools are like 3-4 miles away at least, and I like can't drive that much everyday. First of all it makes it take so long, and otherwise, it just like...you know, feels wrong doing it to exercise. I'm weird, I know. So I'm trying to figure out what I am going to do for exercise for the next two months here. I am thinking I will still run a little bit - do some two milers. And I guess I can do the exercise bike too, and I have yoga. It was just nice to be working toward a goal. I think my legs will thank me for stopping running though. Because they have pretty much been hurting all the time. My hips will hurt and keep me up at night, so this is probably a good idea. Also, I imagine if I start training for any type of running again anyway, I will do it somewhere where I don't have to run on concrete. It is killer on my joints. 

Also I cooked a lot today. I like cooking. Well...I'm going to hunt around for a disc of Medium to watch, maybe when an episode is over Janardan will have quieted down a bit and I'll be able to sleep. 

Politics Blog

I'm going to try and plug for my politics blog again, since I am having renewed vision for it, and one that may be pertinent to all people, and not just people voting for the particular senators, as interesting or disinteresting that may be. Anyway, I would love any feedback, and really just want to know what everyone thinks. And feel free to share it with your friends!

As a side note, I seem to have my greatest moments of genius and aha relating to writing when I am lying in bed trying to go to sleep. Generally I can accept that I will remember it in the morning, and go to bed, but sometimes things just make me so excited that I have to do them right now! Or I have weird pain in my hip and it distracts me from actually falling asleep, and tonight it was the two factors combined. I should probably say this on my politics blog, and I will, but I want to put some time between the posts, but I would welcome more ideas for further topics of discussion.

I Love Yoga

Yoga is sooo nice. I've been so stressed lately, but like...I spend an hour doing restorative yoga, and I feel like a baby right after feeding, in that "milk coma" as Ben (my brother-in-law) says. I just feel so rested, so restored, so in myself. It doesn't matter what is happening outside of my body, that is all I can control, and I have the power to relax the tension. And I just did, doing restorative yoga. The teacher calls a lot of the poses yummy. They didn't feel yummy at the time, but now I feel soo great. I just want to float through the rest of the evening, and then enjoy the further restoration that comes through sleep.

In memory of Jonathan Berry

I had a dream last night about an old friend who went missing just over two years ago. I had a dream that he was alive, and had married some girl in the Ukraine and had been hiding there, just for kicks and giggles apparently. Anyway, as soon as I saw him, I ran up to him, and pretty much attacked him with a hug, because I was soo happy to see him alive. And I just told him that I loved him. I woke up, and for the first time mourned his loss, because I hadn't been able to before. I miss my friend. I also wish I would have made more effort to see him when he came back from his mission, because I cared about him then, but was worried that he would distance himself from me, since he no longer had a testimony. I await the day when I will get to be reunited with him once again, and I can hug him, and I can tell him how much I love him.

Married to my best friend

I just read something on facebook, about how someone was marrying his best friend, and it made me start thinking, and so you can learn about an idiosyncrasy of mine. Lots of people say something like this, or aspire to something like this, and I think it is a good thing, but I have never said it. And there is a reason. It is because to me, the husband shouldn't get to steal both labels. Like...my best friend before I knew Janardan was Stefanie. Why should he get to steal her title when he already gets the title husband? So, it doesn't seem fair to me, so I've never said it, because to me, a best friend is someone else besides my husband. He is obviously the closest to me, and he is my closest friend, but he doesn't get to be my best friend, because that role was taken long before he ever came around. Of course he doesn't care, but, he should see it as a badge of loyalty. Just as I won't give up my best friend for some newer male model, I won't give up my husband for anything else. He's mine and mine forever. I love him, and he is wonderful, but he doesn't get to be called my best friend.