First of all, no I am not pregnant, and no I won't become pregnant soon. Today is Thanksgiving. I don't know when I will actually feel ready to post this on my blog, but I want to have it here, so that when I'm ready, I can.
Halfway across the world, in a town in Australia, lives a boy who I met less than two months ago, but in that time, I have come to love him as one of my own children. And it is like, I love my Mark, and I feel like I understand the love of a parent now. That love that will make you do anything for them, that makes their happiness the most important thing in the world, their sadness and pain your own. And I am filled with the happiness of a new parent, having found this child, who needs me so much. And I just want to share my joy with the world, tell them how amazing it is to be a mom, to love someone so much, but like, I feel weird, because he didn't come from my womb, he's not related to me at all by blood, nor legal adoption. He still lives with his biological parents, and will, but like, I still claim him as my own. Someone asked me today if I had any kids, and I gave the easy answer and said no, but my heart wanted to scream yes. How it tears my heart to see him sad, and to know he is hurt, and how it buoys up my heart to see him smile, and know that he is happy.
It has given me such an understanding of parenthood, the insane worry that comes with it, the intense desire to protect, the feelings of futility when there is nothing that I can do to make things better, except offer a desire to hold him.
And so I announce to the world, I am a new mother! This is my new son: Mark Alexander McKenzie.
(I wrote this over a year ago, it was written in 2008. I finally felt ready to share it with the world. It has been a rough, but amazing year, and my son is barely recognizable to who he was then. He has grown up and matured so much. He is beautiful and wonderful, and I am privileged to have him call me mom.)
1 comment:
To the only other internet mom I know, congratulations and best wishes. You two are always in my prayers.
Right now things are not looking so good for my son. We go from elation to deep worry and back every few days, though. So right now I'm ready for some more elation. Please pray for us as well.
My son is an angel sent to me from heaven, but a deeply troubled one. Parenting isn't easy, as you well know, but it's certainly intensely rewarding. I'm growing and learning as much or more than he is, and I need all the divine assistance I can gain access to.
You inspire me with your goodness, your patience, and your unfailing kindness. Mark is a lucky boy.
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