Yum Bread

So I finally tried it - the magical NY Times no-knead bread, and the verdict is...

It is pretty good.

There are a few things I would do differently next time, like remembering to heat the pan before I put the bread in, and making sure the bread was more covered with coating, and use something like flour or wheat germ instead of cornmeal. I would also use about twice as much salt, except now I just realized that I didn't even use half the amount of salt called for. Oops.

Here is the recipe: (I just copied it from the blog I got it from)

1 1/2 cups warm water
1/4 tsp yeast
1 1/4 tsp salt
3 cups flour
The dough will be very, very sticky and almost runny. Cover the bowl with a plastic lid or saran wrap and let rise for 15-18 hours. Or more. It won't hurt it at all. I usually make mine some time in the afternoon or evening.

The next day, once the dough is full of bubbles on the top (it will look like bubbly pancake batter when it is being cooked), stir it a few times to deflate the bubbles. Sprinkle a generous amount of cornmeal, rolled oats, wheat germ, etc on the towel. Put the towel in a shallow, wide bowl (this helps the ball of dough go up and not just out when it rises). Put the dough on top of the towel, sprinkle with a little more cornmeal to keep it from sticking, and cover with another towel.

Then neglect it for a while: 2-4 hours. I like letting it rise a long time, more than the recommended 2 hours, for extra pouffy-ness.

Put a large cast iron or ceramic dish (one with sides at least 4" tall and that has an oven-proof lid) in the oven at 450. I use a square ceramic dish about 9x9" and 5" tall. Once the dish is nice and hot (give it 20 minutes in the oven), take it out and carefully dump the dough into the dish. Be as gentle as possible so you don't deflate it.

Bake with the cover on for 35 minutes. Take the cover off and bake another 10 minutes.


For mine, I made it whole wheat, so I used 3 cups whole white wheat flour, and it needed additional liquid, so I used 2 1/4 c. water. I know I should have taken a picture, but I was too tempted to just start digging into it right away.

It is times like this that I wish I had some homemade havarti or brie in the fridge to put on my bread. Oh well, storebought will do for now. When I come back from Texas, I am getting a cheesepress and I will start making cheese. Because cheese and bread...ah...that is the food of kings.

Why I Wanted a Laptop

I have been so long without one that I forgot what it was like to have one. I justified getting this laptop, because it was my graduation, and because I will need a laptop for writing. Today, I decided that no longer is any other justification needed than that it helps my marriage.

This morning I spent a long time on my computer, just kind of doing nothing, watching tv online, etc. I was wondering really why I was doing this instead of doing something more productive, that might make me feel better. Then Janardan woke up, and he was on his computer, and I was so excited to talk to him.

On the computer, we have easier communication, because it doesn't make any physical demands, and he can have the time to think. I am more patient, and he is more talkative. Today as I was talking to him, I realized what I have been missing, more than being able to watch tv in bed, or carry my computer to the bathroom, it has been the easy and open communication that I can have with my husband.

Today I am happy to have a computer so I can talk freely with my husband.

New Computer yea~

Yeah so I got my new laptop in the mail today. Yea~ And already I have had a good experience with customer service, so that is postive. The guy was great.

The Big Give

Ok...so I have been reading the internets, wanting to read that someone thought the same thing about this show, and many people had similar ideas, but I thought I should express my thoughts.

The first episode of this was great...until the judging. There were all of these inspiring stories--they made differences in people's lives, were able to raise lots of money to help these people out, and make dreams come true. And then they were judged on how well they did at making people's dreams come true. This seems counter-intuitive to me, and I saw in the next episode the repercussions from that. The first show, people were much more concerned with how they could help, stars in their eyes with the good they could do. The second show--people had that, but they were also combatting the feelings of worry over being judged unworthy to continue on. They worried about what the judges would think.

This seems like it could be a great feel-good show, just showing these ten people go all around the country, doing lots of good in the world. But, it just has this bitter aftertaste, that the cost of this show is that people have to be sent home, sad that they weren't good enough givers? That does not sound very inspiring to me.

And in this last show, they voted off a girl who was just trying to overcome her problems from previous times, and trying to make peace in her group. But apparently the judges wanted to side with the pushy overbearing woman.

I see how excited these people were on the first episode, to help people, to go out there and make a difference, and that is slowly disappearing. People are concerned about their image, how they will look to the judges, and TRYING to focus on the people they are helping. They are not being swept up into an environment of love and giving, an environment that could affect us all, and inspire us all to be better and give more.

It is just sad to me that a show such as this has to be tainted by the criticism and self-comparison that plagues our world. It is the kind of show that should inspire us to be better, and it may to some respect, but my first desire is to see this show do better to take care of the people they have involved in their project of giving.

A Can Of Chicken Soup

Now this may not look like seven meals to you...

But it does to me.

I have been feeling very unmotivated to cook lately, and the other day I had a craving for funeral potatoes, so I grabbed the one can of cream of chicken soup that I had in my house, and threw together some funeral potatoes. They were yummy. I was happy with my meal, and on Tuesday, I ate the leftovers for breakfast, but was back to feeling unmotivated by food, except for funeral potatoes. I thought I should go to the store, but knew I was not motivated enough to do that.

So I was at Emily's house, and breifly mentioned that I should go and buy a can of cream of chicken soup. A minute late I had a can in my hands, and later that night I was preparing another tray of funeral potatoes. As I made the funeral potatoes, though, I started a pot boiling, and made some pierogies, deciding I could cook up the potatoes later and eat them at a different time.

So this morning I woke up, and fed myself some funeral potatoes, and went off for the day. Then I came home, and started making enchiladas for Janardan, as I decided I would eat funeral potatoes. I also threw some stuff into the crock pot so we could have a late dinner. As I was waiting for the enchiladas to bake, I was trying to remember things I used to make in the crockpot. I started setting things aside, and now have things set aside for four more meals.

The saying goes -- the journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step -- well my journey back into the domain of taking care of myself and my husband began with one can of cream of chicken soup. Thanks Em.

(As a note, it was a Western Family can, not campbells--I tried to find a picture of one online, but after 3 minutes gave up, and was too lazy to take a picture with my camera, so enjoy the picture of campbell's).

Joann's is the bane of my existence

So I went to Joann's today, because I had a dream about a summer dress today, and I was like - must find fabric for dress.

So I didn't find fabric for the dress, but I did find a pattern and a dress that I also liked, so I was like - this sounds good. The fabric was $12.99 -- ouch I know, but it was okay, because it was 40% off.

So I was looking back at my ticket after the cutting, and the discount had not been applied. I asked the cutting lady about it, and she said that it was part of the "Spring Metallic" line, not the "All That Glitters" line that was on sale...even though every other piece of fabric around it was in the All that Glitters line, and it is not like it did not glitter - it did! I looked all around the store, to see if I could find any other place it looked like it fit more than under that sign, and it didn't look like it. There were no other fabrics that even looked like it, just a different color.

She asked me if that was okay. I took a moment to decide, and then said, probably not, and relinquished the fabric. I was not going to pay $50 for this dress...not even including the pattern price.

But, I did find some nice fabric for some jeans and a shirt, so that was nice. Plus, I really want to find the stuff to make the dress from my dream. :)

It's A Wonderful Life

I usually watch this movie around Christmas, as many people do. Today I just really felt like watching it.

I got news today that a prompting I followed a long time ago really had a great impact in someone's life. It gave me hope that I may actually be able to reach my aspirations.

So as I was watching this movie, I felt like I was George Bailey. I wondered really how much I have done in people's lives, and as I saw all of those great things that he did, I thought of different things that I have done that have impacted people for the better. I guess it made me think about how much my life is worth, how much of a difference I make, especially to those people I love.

I was sobbing by the end, just because these experiences were just what I needed, to feel like I can really make a difference in the world, that my being here has made at least some people's lives better, and trying all my days to make changes in the world for the better, though I may never be as great as I hope to be, I can still preform great works, and there is that possibility for greatness within me.

I feel like the Lord is watching out for me, not just by showing me that other people can receive promptings to help me, but that also I can make a difference to other people, and how that can strengthen and lift me, as I realize my worth, and my ability to bless other people's lives, that it is not fruitless to try, and that even if I don't know the impact I am having, just my living on this earth and being who I am, just trying to be a good person, and love my fellow men, that I will have a good impact.

When Soren was born, I was so impressed by how much his simple little short life had impacted me, how much I loved him, and how much he changed me, just by being in this world. Today I am realizing how much impact I have had, and it just gives me hope that I can continue, and that if I work all my days, I can have even greater impact.

The Lord does not give us our mission in life without giving us the strength and experiences that we need in order to fulfill that mission. Today, the Lord has assured me that I can make a difference, and the choices I make of what I do when I am home all alone, deciding to write instead of something else that those differences matter.

Today, George Bailey is my hero.

How God Loves Me

"You are well acquainted with Him, for there is not a soul of you but what has lived in His house and dwelt with Him year after year; and yet you are seeking to become acquainted with Him, when the fact is, you have merely forgotten what you did know" (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 4:216).

I was reading this today while I was in sacrament meeting, and it just hit me, how far away I am from my Father, how He longs for me to return to Him, how He loves me, and how I love Him, how much I miss Him. How it is not just me that wishes He could be here and give me a hug -- he wants that too.

Today I remembered a little more of my life before, of what it was like to live with Him, and how He would comfort me, and it eases my soul to know He desires that for me now too, that He wants to show me how much He loves me.

It is amazing, and yet so real.

Feelings I enjoy

My old roommate and good friend Carolyn loves being happy. It comes natural to think that I like being happy, and I used to think that I like being happy, but I realized last week that I enjoy pain, and not in the masochistic way, well, at least I don't think so. I don't like physical pain in the least, but I enjoy manageable emotional pain.

The unfortunate thing is that just as happiness is fickle, so too is manageable emotional pain. The key word being manageable. Put yourself in too much emotional pain, and it crosses over to depression. Depression is not a feeling I enjoy, and yet one I find myself in more often that I would like. I realize, now, why that happens. It is because I am seeking that emotional pain.

I like being happy too, but I don't desire to be happy all the time. There is a richness that comes in pain that does not come from a life of contentment. In high school, it was easy to get these pain doses. Hormones running wild, liking lots of guys, all the confusion that comes with that, all of it that matters but doesn't matter--perfect for my desire for emotional pain. It's not actually the pain I like, it's that cathartic release, but I can enjoy the pain if I can tell there will be a release. It is when I see no end in sight that I get depressed. (As a note, I am using the term depressed loosely--I am not clinically depressed, I am more just referring to feeling blue for a series of days).

I wonder also if that is part of the reason I was drawn to Janardan as a marriage partner, the potential for emotional pain always being there, without his hurting me necessarily having to be the cause. Obviously that was not the only factor, as there were many others, much more obvious, and reasons I actually based the decision on. Just a musing.

I like to read sad books, books that explore sad concepts. I feel enriched by such experiences. They also tend to paint the beauty into the pain, which is the main reason I enjoy the pain, is because it is beautiful.

I guess thinking about the tree of knowledge of good and evil -- I would partake, just to have the wisdom and beauty that comes from pain. It truly does bring joy. I guess that is the difference to me-- happiness is the everyday contentment, where everything seems to be going well, and you feel good -- joy is the rises and falls, the leaps and the crumbling, all the while seeing the beauty of the experiences. Joy, to me, is the pain and the happiness. It is fuller.

Changes

We are moving to Texas. At the end of April. We're only planning on being there for six months. It is odd. The one thing I am looking forward to is making friends with two people who I missed to make friends with in Provo. They moved out as soon as I moved into my current ward.

I am scared of moving to Texas, of being lonely, and not having a social network there to support me. Our hope is that a clinic down in Texas will be able to help Janardan get healthier, and that the burden of that can fall on his mom instead of me, so it will actually get done.

So, yeah. That's the update.

The Sacrifices Associated with Life

Most of the time, I am largely unaware of the sacrifices I am making, or the choice between alternatives. It just seems that what I am choosing is what I am choosing, and not that I am choosing the present course instead of another, or at the expense of another. Lately I have been more aware of these forks in the road, these choices and how they affect things.

Today I came to grips with something -- you can't have it all. I knew it on several levels, but it hit home in a major way today. Being a more frictiony episode in my marriage (birthdays cause higher expectations that are easier to be dashed when your husband is physically unable to do a lot), today I spent the day reading a book, the second in the Twilight series. I was reading it, because I knew it would be an intense experience, and it could keep me from feeling my own emotions. So after I finished the book today, I hopped onto Stephenie Meyer's website, and was just reading through things. I read through an interview about her writing process, and emotions that have been floating on the back burner for the past week or so came to a head.

I have three avenues that I want to explore with my writing at present. First, I want to write fiction--fantasy and just tell true stories with fictional people. Second, I have been having more urging to write a personal history. Third, I want to give people an alternate view of the United States politicians, associated with the blog I have started called Politics by leadership -- found here (http://politicsbyleadership.blogspot.com/) if you are interested. All of these things are daunting tasks to me, all designed to change the world. I have high aspirations of leaving a lasting impression on this sphere we live on. I want people's lives to be different because I have lived on it. Better, hopefully.

A month or so ago, I sobbed because I could not be a professional quilter. That day I realized that it was that I was giving up to be a writer. I could have it as a hobby, but it couldn't consume my days. I thought when I graduated that I would become a temple worker. Today I went to the temple, and realized that is a sacrifice I will make so I can do those three things. I've wanted to be in a musical on Center Street, but I don't have that kind of time when I am doing these things -- another sacrifice.

And so of course looking at all these things makes me wonder how I will ever have time to do anything when I have kids. Stephenie said that she writes after her kids go to bed, and writes pretty much until she passes out from exhaustion. I don't think I can do that. I care too much about getting my body proper rest. I also want to have time to spend with my husband without the kids. I also want to study my scriptures each day, and I would like to keep reading as well -- all of these things that require alone time, which is just not as available when kids are there. Of course that is a concern I need not worry about for at least two years. My deal with Janardan expires a year from August, and then I would be pregnant for nine months. I have plenty of time to figure that one out.

I have a confidence in myself that I can do the big three. But then I also have this overwhelming feeling of how? How am I going to do them? Can I really do them? It all seems like too much to handle. I feel like I will be constantly swimming to the surface to find I still have a few more inches of water over my head. I want to suck in the air, and know that I can do it, instead of this battle between my stubborn knowing, and my pitiful self-doubt. Two ladies came up to me in the Celestial room today because I was sobbing. I am sure they thought my boyfriend had broken up with me, not that I was worried about being able to write three different things.

Intellectually, I do not really understand why I am so concerned, why I have such feelings of self-doubt. But emotionally, I just feel so...unqualified, and like it is too much for me, one person, to handle. But I am not willing to let any of the big three go, so stubbornness and intellectuality will win of course. Oh and that I think it's what God wants me to do.

I get like this when I am contemplating and not actually doing. I haven't written since Idaho. I get caught up in having to make a difference in the world, and not just the everyday task of actually putting words on paper. I think I am somewhat staggered by the prospect of writing my blog entries for Politics by leadership. I am actually rather excited to start working on my personal history, but I feel behind--should have already written about Obama.

I am scared of obsessing about one of the big three now, and forever leaving the other two behind. That is what I am really scared of. I am scared of starting my personal history, and then never getting back to fiction, never getting back to the politics. That is why I must do them all three at the same time, because if I don't -- putting them off until later will be putting them off forever. I will never do them if one of the big three is already there.

Once I get myself started and am working on all three at once, I will get in the swing of things and be fine -- I am just daunted by the task. And I am giving up things so I can have the big three, and today I am feeling that. Not a temple worker, not playing in a musical. Less time sewing still.

I feel odd sharing my "I don't think I can do it" feelings. Because I fiercely believe in myself, and when I think about telling them to anyone, I think - well if they don't think I can do it, they are wrong. I am strong willed and I will do it. But that doesn't mean that some days, just on my own, I don't think I can do it.

Twilight -- no spoilers

It is fun to get obsessed with a book. It is fun to have a book that draws you in. I like reading.

Organizing is Impossible

This is my conclusion. You cannot organize your house. Entropy is too strong of a force. Just give in! If you have ever seen the show Clean House, the way those houses look before is our natural state! Houses are meant to be dirty and full of crap. Yay!

That being said, organizing my house is going pretty well. It is just this finishing up stuff that is annoying. It is like, where do I put all of these odds and ends? And how do I have all of these random things that serve no real purpose in my life. I am half tempted to just go through with a trash bag and put everything else that is unorganized in there. That would be a good way to make things organized.

And I am having a party tomorrow. It is to motivate me to clean up the house, which it is doing. And I think the party will be fun, but I am kind of stressed today. I haven't decided what kind of refreshments I am having, so yeah, it should be fun.

Heavenly Choirs

It is an amazing thing to hear 1000 voices sing together. United together, calling out to Israel, telling them God is calling. Tonight I heard those voices singing, and I sang with them. And as we got to the third verse, I heard our earthly voices supplemented by the voices of those from heaven. The voices filled the room, all united telling each other that God is calling us. Tonight I saw the union of heaven and earth, united in singing a song, and my voice was priveleged to be among them. We had all truly "come to Zion, come to Zion."

A New Life

It's amazing how a new life can change everything. Carolyn had her baby today, and I went to the hospital to see the addition to their family. I love Scott and Carolyn. They are amazing people. They are wonderful people to be chosen to raise a choice spirit of the Lord's. Soren is really cute, and special.

When a new life enters the world, it is changed forever. Each life of that life leaves its print on the world. Every life matters--long and short. The world is different today because Soren Duede was born. I am different. How amazing the miracle of life.

I'm done moving!

Hallelujah this day came. I honestly think I would have had a nervous breakdown if Emily, Ben, and Dad were not there to help me move. I have two more finals, and then I will be done with school. I am sad that I have not had the energy or time to get melancholy about school ending. Maybe tomorrow, but probably not, as exams are not very melancholy inducing. Last days of classes are melancholy inducing. Of everything that makes me mad about this situation, I think that makes me the maddest. How many times do you finish your bachelor's degree? And I didn't get to enjoy it. I am peeved about Christmas too, but Christmas at least comes again next year. Next year, I won't be graduating.

At least I am gone from that place. I can wash my hands of it.

For those of you who were upset with them as much or more than I was, I wrote them a letter today. Considering the circumstances, I thought it was a pretty nice letter. I just told them what they had done to me, Janardan, and my family. That alone was pretty grievous. I explained that I did not have the time nor the energy to clean the apartment, so that they would understand why I did not clean it.

I am tired and ready for a good long break. Going out east for three weeks could not be coming at a better time.

In the movie The Little Match Girl, there is an apartment complex that is being shut down and all the tenants are being told to leave a week before Christmas, escalating to a Christmas eve where they are supposed to be gone. All of this is of course orchestrated by an evil plotting man who cares nothing for the spirit of Christmas, and cares nothing for the people.

This is a scene that makes sense. An evil plotting man kicking people out of their homes on the eve of Christmas. That is why there is a bit of disconnect when it is nice kind people who kicked me out of my home practically on the eve of Christmas.

Last Thursday I was invited up to the home of my landlords. They had called me on Wednesday saying there was a possibility that they would be moving, and were wondering if we had plans on moving since I was graduating. I told them no I did not plan on moving, and we would love to be tenants here if they decided to sell the house. Well on Thursday they told me that they did not intend to sell the house, but they want to rent the entire house, and so when would we be able to move out. I mentioned that we are going on a trip right after Christmas, and so by the end of January would be a good time for us. They say they need to be gone by January 2, so could we *try* to find a place to move before we leave. So we start discussing options. I tell them I don't really know that many people in the ward that have apartments, and do they know people. Mike offers to call lots of people and really help me out. But then his wife suggests that he just give me the numbers so I can call them, because can't I do that?

Let us consider. Yes I do have the ability to enter numbers into a phone and call people and ask them if they have openings in their homes for someone who is going to be left stranded before Christmas...oh wait, I didn't know that yet. Back to the present. But yes, I had been planning on you know, working on Christmas presents, spending time with my dad, studying for tests.

So Friday comes and I have a test to take. I am freaking out, because they want me to move before I leave on the 26th. I scour the internet looking for places with openings, finding nothing in my ward, nothing in my price range, nothing with the amenities I want. So I have to take a test, and I go into it knowing full well that with an hour of studying I probably could have aced it, but an hour away from looking for a place to stay was not something I had. I probably failed the test. Oh well.

When I get out of my test, I am greeted by a lovely voicemail from Mike, telling me that he wants us out by the 21st. And this is the grand disconnect. No evil overtone, no mwahaha I am so evil laugh...just...a kind voice...telling me that I am getting 2 weeks notice to move...right before Christmas...during finals week. "Let us know if there is anything we can do to help." How about letting me have a place to live? How about time to concentrate on getting good grades and feeling good about being a student, how about letting me enjoy the Christmas season? How about not putting the biggest amount of stress possible on me and therefore my husband....who has fibromyalgia that flares up when there are high stress situations. Oh wait, there was some mercy, by some freak accident you chose to kick me out in just enough time for me to be able to move while my dad is here so there is a lot less stress on Janardan, but wait...you didn't know that, and therefore did not even care.

The good news is that we got a place, and it is on the same block as Emily. I won't have a yard, but hopefully some plants can grow in the windows. It is a lot bigger place, and the rent is a little cheaper, but we will have to pay for utilities. We have our own washer and dryer. The kitchen is kind of funky, in that it cannot have a traditional oven, so we will see how that works out. (It is zoning laws...which I may be tempted to dispense with if I don't end up liking the arrangement, and the landlord shouldn't get in trouble as long as she doesn't know.) But if I like it, that will be nice.

The bad news is that I have to move. Saturday, some yesterday, and then a whole day today of packing, moving, unpacking. Well the first of today was actually me almost having a nervous breakdown. Seriously I think if my dad were not here, I would have had a nervous breakdown this morning, but when I started freaking out, I just had Janardan call dad, and he came and read Harry Potter to me.

This situation has made me think a lot about evility. We so often associate in movies these people who are evil through and through, who kick their dogs and cheat on their wives, and they are the ones kicking people out of their homes on Christmas, but when the Hawleys do it, it is not because they are bad people, but because they do not think. They probably have not ever once considered what their actions mean to me in my life. I think they would care if they thought, but they do not care to think. And that perhaps is the greatest evil. When you think you do good, and you do harm, it is the worst kind of deception--of yourself.

Edit: At least now I will be able to write lawful good villains.

Vacation Is Over

It is amazing how being home can just stress you. I had a really great vacation, and was rested and pretty stress-free, and then last night I got home and had tons of dreams about doing poorly on tests and having presentations that were unprepared for. And so today I have just been a little stressed because of those things, and then on top of that today was like the first day ever that Nursery has been stressful, as we had about four kids crying at one time throughout the whole time. I had one kid who I had to chase down and get. That was fun, but it was still kind of stressful.

I think I am also stressed because Janardan hasn't been feeling well today and so it seems more like he wants me to do stuff for him, and I just don't feel up to it, and it was nice when his mom was doing that kind of thing for him this past week, even though he didn't need it as much as he would have needed it today.

I am glad I have less than a month left of school. I think I would probably have a breakdown if it was going to be much longer than that. Of course if it was going to be longer than that I would have never made myself so busy because I knew I couldn't handle it, but you know. I think I am just tired and ready for a break, and five days was not enough.

I wanted to get straight As this semester, but I think I'm gonna have a few A-s. There is no universal standard, and an A means a different thing in every class -- in some it has more to do with the teacher than the student. I don't know how to stay motivated to do well when such disparity exists.

School Is Consuming

I really like school. I like taking classes, and getting an education. I enjoy most of my classes, well no, I enjoy some aspects of all of my classes, just not always the lectures. I don't really have much time for a lot outsides of school. I don't have the energy to write everyday, but I miss writing. I am enjoying going to school, but I am excited for it to be done, so I can start writing again, and being so domestic.

I am, however, finding slight times to be domestic. Yesterday, I made myself about 45 mini pizzas. I still have more crusts to finish. I have three varieties so far, and I am going to make more. My goal is to be able to feed myself for the rest of the semester on campus with the pizzas I am making now. I think I am going to try making a few more crusts, and this supply could last me past the end of the semester which would be nice.

I got really stressed out on Friday, though. I went out grocery shopping, and to the movie store, and to Del Taco, and it just kind of overwhelmed me. I think I was partially freaking out, because Janardan may be getting normal sick, which means he could be a lot worse off, and I don't have the energy to take care of him, and do school, right now. But, I think I will be able to manage, just learning how not to over-extend myself, so I end up depressed, which doesn't help anybody.

I am really excited about my Christmas Tree skirt. I have 3/5 scenes done with applique, so just 2 more to go. There is still a bit to do after that, but it will seem a lot more doable. I think I should have it done by Thanksgiving, and if not, be able to finish it over the break.

I am really enjoying my singing class. I can already feel myself learning technique, and feeling less strain in my voice when I sing. There is this posture that my teacher gets me into that opens me up a lot, but I cannot figure out how to do it on my own.

So things are going good, but I miss writing, and I am excited when school is over and I will have the energy for it again, because I learn a lot about myself through writing.

One Year and Still Goin'

So today was our one year anniversary. One year we've been married. First seven months kinda sucked, more due to fibromyalgia than problems with my husband or me (well at least my husband). Then finally I adjusted to the fibro and things got decent, and then in the past month or so things have been awesome.

Words of wisdom -
Dating someone who is chronically ill is not the same as being married to them.
Marriage is harder than you think it will be, even when you think it will be hard.
Everything is not how you suppose it to be.
Marriage is different for every couple.
It's worth it if you are willing to work through the hurt.
Almost everything comes down to a misunderstanding, or a disappointment that can be shared.

I am not looking forward to the process of turning into "married with kids", as it seems to cause the same process as marriage. Hopefully I've learned stuff to help me, but fortunately that time won't be coming for some time, so I can enjoy the happy married stage for a long time.

Before I got married, I thought I could do it all. After I got married, I thought I was proved wrong, when I felt so depressed I could hardly do anything. Now I realize my limits and don't try to do more than I can, but by and large I can do it all. It just takes getting a system, forming habits, and most of all, not being depressed.

Now when I mean do it all, I mainly mean take care of Janardan and keep our household running smoothly. The Lord has a work for me to do, and it scares me, to inaction at times. I went through being afraid a month ago as well, but then I started doing stuff, and it was good. Well, I'll stop being so cryptic. I am going to write. That will be my long term career. All growing up I never envisioned being anything else but a writer, and then somewhere in my teenage years, I got afraid of it, and so just kind of put it out of my mind. Now that I have come back to wanting to write, I am afraid of what I am supposed to do. I want to write, I love writing, but sometimes it is hard to think greatness exists in yourself, where it is not just following a plan. I had lots of visions for other ways I could do great things in the world, and none of them scared me, but writing scares me. That's why it's taken me a month to even write about it on my blog.

I think what I worry about most of all is never finding those great ideas for stories to write about. I'm worried about writing things that are trite, and worried about things I write being understood a million different ways. I've already written one story, which I'll post on my blog sometime this week. And therein lies my fear. I know I can write things that I think are good. I know that I can write well on assigned topics; in school I have every confidence that teachers will recognize my good writing, but it is not the writing, but the stories that scare me, because the stories I write are me. Falia and Muriel, they are people to me, and their lives and sacrifices matter to me. And so what I am afraid of is baring my soul to the world, for all to see and criticize.

With that said, I do still want people to tell me what they think. Things may be issues with the writing, not the story, and I know that I may not express everything in a way that is understandable, so I definitely want to be aware of those issues. And I would like to know what you all think of the story too. Also, please email responses, as that will be better for us to keep up a dialogue on it -- writecrazy@gmail.com.

Oh what the heck, I'll post it today.

Words & Understanding

                                                                                                    
   Winthrop was tired. Everyday he had to walk to the woods to fetch pails of water. Granted, the woods were beautiful, and it was very soothing to walk through them, but he lived in the middle of town, far away from the woods.
    He stopped. There was a prohibition against digging a well in the town. It was an old law, and no one understood why it existed. Well,why not? He walked back toward the house. He went to the middle of his house. No one would see it here. He took his shovel and began to dig.
   He didn't notice it when it escaped, and he just kept digging. Finally water began to rush into his hole. He dug deepr and greedily drank the water. As he climbed out of his hole, he looked over at the distant tall trees. “I'll never have to walk in those cursed woods again.”
 

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Generations Later

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   Falia sat on a large stone in the middle of the woods. The wind touched her face, and her dark hair played across her back. She wore a peaceful smile on her face.
   In the wood, the evil cannot penetrate. It is suffused with goodness. Why can't the town be good like the woods? Don't thye see the evil, feel it like a disease overtaking their souls? They are good people, but they let the evil overcome them. How can they be rid of their evil?
   The question tossed around in her mind. It was a question she had often considered.
Perhaps the people could move to the wood? But that idea made her shudder, for she envisioned the people chopping down the trees, and tearing the roots from the ground.
Perhaps the goodness of the wood could be transferred to the town?
   She smiled at the thought, for the sheer impracticality of it. She figured it was time to leave if her thoughts had diminished into impracticalities. She stood up and walked through the woods, toward the town. She eventually came to the path that led into town, and followed it into the middle of town. It was early, so most people were working in the fields or somewhere else, not many people on the streets in town. She saw only three people as she walked home. She passed a little boy working at the livery grooming the horses. He called out to her and she stopped to talk. His master came out and yelled at the boy, “Get back to work!” He hit the boy hard on the back. “And don't you talk to her. You know where she been, in them cursed woods.”
   Falia gestured farwell to the boy and walked on, feeling the overwhelming sense of evil in the man. She felt sorrow for him, that he did not even realize it.
   She passed another woman hitting chickens with her broom and sighed. The evil was strong in the town.
   The farm of Falia's family was on the outskirts of town on the other side from where she went to the woods. Finally she reached their house. In front of the house, there was an unfamiliar horse.
   As Falia opened the front dor, she heard her mother yell from where her bed was, “Falia where have you been? Probably in the woods. Well get out in the garden and pick the vegetables for dinner, then go out and help your father with the farm.”
   Falia closed the door, never having opened it fully, and walked around back to the garden. She began digging in the dirt, her eyes glazed over with tears. When her tears subsided, she began picking some vegetables. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the swish of a skirt, and looked up to see her sister, Muriel, standing above her.
   “Oh Muriel. Did you see the horse? The evil is so strong in mother. Only in the woods does goodness abound. In the town, it is everywhere.”
   “You have no evil now.”
   Falia got frustrated. This was not a time for Muriel to be giving sagely words. I have no evil now. What does that even mean. A memory flashed in Falia's mind of Muriel saying, “Don't think about what I'm not saying.” Falia took a deep breath and calmed down. The memory always calmed her. I have no evil.....evil....ah, I see. The evil is not in me. It is out there in the town, but I am filled with goodness. The woods have blessed me beyond their reach. Oh, the people could too be blessed if they would just walk in them.
   “Muriel, you must tell the people!”
   “Of course, but you will tell me what to say.”
   She really did not understand. Falia was amazed by it again and again. Muriel would always say the most insightful things, and Falia had derived great meaning from them, but Muriel could not understand, and always waited to hear Falia's explanation.
   “The woods. If the people will walk often in the woods, they can be rid of the evil that has taken this town.”
   “What evil?”
   Falia understood. Muriel said it not as herself. She went in the woods herself, and felt the great division of good and evil. Muriel's very personailty was changed by the evil, making her quiet and sorrowful. In the woods, she would run free, talk freely, and feel peace. When she said “What evil?” she was talking as the town would respond. The town only knew evil, and so would see no reason to be rid of it, especially if the plan involved the 'cursed' woods.
   Falia said to Muriel, “They need someone to show them the evil.”
   “Shall it be you or me?”
   Falia resisted understanding. She tried to stop her mind from thinking, but understanding came nevertheless. Only they ventured into the woods, and so only one of them could show the people, do something so the people would react with all the evil in them, which mean that the town would kill that person. “Fine, I will do it,” Falia said with determination.
   “They will need understanding.” Falia crumpled. She knew it was true. They needed to understand, but that was a fleeting thought. Her thoughts were centered on her sister. Falia's frame was wracked with sobs. Muriel held her close, her own silent tears wetting Falia' dark hair.
   “Oh Muriel,” Falia took her head from her sister's lap, and threw her arms around Muriel, their bodies wracked with the same sorrow, tears that could not be separated.
   That day, the sisters would not be separated. Falia knew once they knew what to do, Murield would act, so she cherished these moments they still had together. That night they escaped into Muriel's woods. She preferred the ones right behind their farm, as it had a nice stream. Falia and Muriel ran through the stream, skipped rocks along it, laughed and danced. They sat and talked in the woods, Muriel bursting with conversation.
   “I think I have figured out what to do.” She had bright excitement in her eyes. In the woods, the sorrow could not touch them. The woods were mericful.
   The sisters slept in the woods that night. In the morning, they walked out of the woods. They first went home. Their mother was furious when she found out where they had been. “Don't you girls know those woods are cursed. A man built a house of wood. They day it was finished, it fell in on top of him and kille dhim. That same winter it was cold and a man cut down a tree for warmth. He lit a fire and it took over and burned his whole house down. The woods don't like this people. The woods curse us.”
   Everyone in town knew the stories. It was why people feared the woods, and thought of them as cursed.
   Falia and Muriel offered no explanation, but before she lef the house, Muriel hugged her mother and told her she loved her. Falia and Muriel then went out to the field, so Muriel could say goodbye to father.
   “You girlsbe careful. I don't like people knowing you go int the woods They'll think you're cursed. That's not why I showed them to you.”
   “Don't worry, father,” Muriel said. “Father I'm going into town today.” She hugged him. “I love you.”
   “Well if you're just going into town, I'll see you later.”
   The two sisters walked back toward the house. They had decied Falia would have to stay home. Their goodbye was long and emotional. It was midday before Muriel finally was ready to leave. As she walked away Falia called out, “Muriel! Thank you for your words.”
   “My work in death shall need you as my words ahd needed you in life. Farewell my other half,” and Muriel walked away.
   Falia kept her eyes on Muriel until she was out of sight. She wanted to have every moment that she could of Muriel being alive. They had planned that Falia would work on the farm and emerge in the middle of the night to go and look for Muriel. She could not stand the farm, though, and retreated into the protection and have of the woods. She did not want to feel the evil that would take place that night.

   Muriel's plan was simple. She would find the houses with the greatest evil and burn them.
   She walked through the town, all about town, feeling for evil. There wre many houses with great evil, so she picked on, a house made of hay, and set fire to it. When the couple saw it, they screamed and yelled. A few other people came running. Muriel sat near and watched. The fire was blazing, the whole house looked to be consumed in flames, but soon, the blaze had been put out with water. Muriel walke dcloser, and saw through the wreckage a well, and she felt from it seeping the evil. She ran into the house and began to push the stones into the well, covering it. The couple tried to stop her, but she was too determined to be stopped. She finished, and felt the evil covered up, but still felt it in the town.
   She went around the town, feeling the evil. Inside 15 different houses, there were wells, and she pushed them in, as the number of people trying to stop her grew. She fought them off and continued to push the stones in, working with all her energy. She was running toward the last place of evil when she tripped and fell, so exhausted she could not stand up. The crowd caught up with her, and threw stone upon stone at her. One finally hit her in the head, and she was no longer moving, but the rage still burned in the people. They continued to throw stones at her into the night. Finally exhausted, the people went home to sleep.

   Falia sat in the woods, and felt the moment her sister slipped from the world. She allowed herself a moment to cry, but knew she had work to do. She walked out of the woods, and felt the great evil. She ran, and planned on running until she found her sister. She ran toward the middle of town, but the further she got from her house, the more she sense that evil was dying. She whipped around and ventured to her house. She tore through the house, looking of the evil. Finally in her mother's cupboard, she found a small well, and Falia felt the evil cascading out of it. She pushed the stones around it into it, and covered up the evil.
   It was gone.
   She ran from her house to the center of town, hoping her sister had survived the evil, though in her heart she already knew.
   She slowed as she came to the crumpled body in the middle of the street. Under the ligth of the moon, she saw the dark bruises on her sister's body, the blood covering her face. Falia wept. She held her sister's lifeless body in her arms and felt it grow cold. Through her tears, she began to wipe the blood from her sister's face, wetting it with her tears. For hours she worked, weeping and gently cleaning her sister's body. The mood faded and the sun began to rise. People emerged from their homes to see Falia holding Muriel's lifeless body in her arms.
   The people began to weep. How had they done such evil? What could they do to rid themselves of such evil in their hearts?
   Muriel's mother screamed and ran when she her daughter's lifeless body in the street. Her father held his wife and Falia, tears streaming down his face.
When the loud weeping had resolved down to quiet weeping with shudders, Falia stood up. All of the people watched her.
   “She must be buried in the woods. Follow me.”
   Her father lifted Muriel and carried her, the town followed Falia and her father. They walked through town and out toward Falia's woods. The people hesitated at the edge of the woods.
“The woods have cursed us,” said the people.
   In one moment, Falia understood what must be done, stories of the past finally making sense to her. There were different stories told about how their ancestors used to worship trees, an idea repulsive to the people, for the “evil” of the trees. In a number of stories, there were snippets and phrases, which came together clearly in Falia's mind, as a prayer, a ritual, of sacrifice. The people would preform this ritual at the sacrifice of a tree, and the trees would protect the people from evil. The curse had come to those who did not preform the ritual.
   “Long ago, a man dug a well and released evil into our world. The evil made people forget the sacrifice of the trees. The trees tired to remind us by cursing the wood not given in sacrifice, but the evil was strong, and people thought the woods had forsake the people. Come, enter the woods, they will do you no harm.”
   Falia led, and the people followed. They came to the stone where Falia liked to sit, and in front of it, Falia got down on her knees, and began to dig the earth with her hands. A few people followed. They took turns, that all could help dig the grave. Father placed the poor abused body in the small grave. Falia and her mother pushed the pile of dirt over the lifeless body.
Falia gestured and the people knelt.
   “O great trees. We thank you for the sacrifice of this life. Let this life bring goodness to us, and protect us from evil.”
   The town murmured the words, “Protect us from evil,” after Falia.
   “With this life so willingly given, we start a new life.”
   “A new life,” they echoed.
   Falia took a seed from her pocked, poked a hold in the earth above Muriel's body and dropped the seed in. As she covered the hole with dirt, she began to speak, no longer intoning the words of the ritual.
   “Muriel gave her life that goodness could return to the town. The woods will protect us from evil, if we will give them respect.” An understanding lit in Falia's mind. “No other mortal has been the subject of the ritual, and so they never shall be again, but remember this—it took a true woman of the woods to bring the protection of the woods back to the people. May we never forget it. May our understanding overcome the sacrifice of words.”

Gilderoy Lockhart

Of course the real Gilderoy would be hard pressed to have such a bewitching smile.

Harry Potter 7 - Don't worry, no spoilers

So yesterday I got offered $100 to give up the privelege of starting to read my Harry Potter book last night shortly after midnight. The $80 profit was not a temptation enough, and with no thought at all, said no. If I were not so scared of people letting details slip before I finish the book, perhaps I wouldn't have answered so easily, but I do not want to know anything about the book until I have finished it. I had books five and six ruined for me before I had the chance of reading them, which put me off of reading book six until half a year after it came out. That is the beautiful worth of $80. Being able to read a book with no expectations, no knowledge of what will happen. $80 was not worth giving that up. $80 was not worth being able to start reading the book at 12:15 when I got home.

The book is intense. It is one huge adrenaline rush, and the only reason I am not still reading it right now is because I don't want to read in an environment where people are talking and I might not be able to put every ounce of my energy into enjoying the experience of reading this book. J. K. Rowling is amazing.

I am trying to calm down, as I will be at work a bit longer, and it would be nice to have a rest, and feel relaxed, instead of in this heightened sense of awareness, as I will have enough of that when I continue reading.

$80. It was so worth it.

Big Brother is Watching

You know something bad is coming when your boss sends you an email with that as the subject line, especially when your boss's last name is Brothers. Apparently a lot of our contracts are getting sent back from the company we sell for because of errors. What kinds of errors? We aren't told that. But we are told that from now on we aren't allowed to watch movies or listen to headphones during our down time at work, and there is going to be a camera installed so that Bryan (Brothers) can watch us remotely from his home.

The really ironic thing is how he thinks that these two things are going to correlate to each other. Not watching movies will equal there being no errors, or us somehow working harder to abate them. When really it does not address the issue at all. He feels like we are taking advantage of the freedom he gives us, and we repay him by making all these errors, by not being careful or something.

But in reality the reason the accounts are being sent back is because we never see the contracts, and what we have is supposed to match the contract. Taking away all of our liberties is not going to change that fact, and so errors will continue to occur, and he will continue to feel hurt because he thinks it is happening because we don't care. The truth is: if we had something we are supposed to do, we would be doing it. We look at the accounts, put them in, check over them even, but if it isn't checked against the contract, it doesn't matter how much we check it. We get all of our information over the phone from sales reps who just want to hurry and get off the phone with us.

Today he called in, and a girl had been spinning in her chair. He said, "Emily stop spinning in your chair." He can be hurt and take away all the things he wants, but unless he will realize what the actual problem is, all he is going to take away is hard-working and dedicated employees. I've started looking for another job. I'm not set on getting another job. But I want to keep my options open.

The other thing is that he thinks it is obvious what is acceptable behavior and what is not. But he thinks that reading books, studying, playing solitaire are acceptable, but playing online games, watching movies, listening to movies, etc. is not. Of course what that "etc." encompasses? It is a difference between "wasting time" and "having free time". I joked this morning that having free time is anything where you are still bored, whereas wasting time is anything that is fun.

Really what it all comes down to is that none of us think that there is enough work to justify this ban on certain things. Certain times we are busy that phones are ringing one after the other. Other times, there can be a half hour to two hours with no calls. We are not complaining about having to work when we have work. It is just annoying that we are being told to not do certain things when there is nothing else to do.

It is inefficient. Big Brother is watching, but I'm not sure he knows what he should be looking for.

Just so you can share in my glory

Now granted I was playing against bots. But I completely stole the city, not shared. I beat both players by over 150 points. That is sweetness.

New Job Starts Today

So I am already impressing people. Sometimes it is fun to start a new job. Today was my first day, and I was just supposed to learn how to check credit. Only credit. After an hour I realized that if that is all I did today, I would either want to leave very early, or be very bored. So I kept on asking the girls who I will be working with more questions about all the things we are supposed to do, and now I have done all parts of the process. Some girl before she left came by and was like, "She's taking calls on her first day? I think she's like the first person to take calls on her first day." So my moment of pride.

I am hoping to make a good impression here, and hoping it can go places. It seems like a pretty good place to work. I like it. It's pretty simple and straight-forward, but sometimes I am amazed at how impressed people are at you doing a job that should be automatically easy. I'm glad I took this job. I think I'll like it. There was supposed to be extra pay for midnight shifts, but the boss decided not to do that this week because there have been too many errors or something. It seemed really dumb to me, but anyway. He said that would only be until next week, so then I'll start signing up for midnight shifts. And if it doesn't work, oh well. Pay is good as it is.

I think I've realized that what I like is business. Business is very fascinating to me, the different avenues people use to make money. Direct sales, door-to-door, etc. I'm sure this job will get more boring as most jobs that are like this too, but for now it is exciting, and when there is the possibility of advancement, jobs are always more exciting. I am pretty sure that by September, I should have a better position here. Now just to prove that I am worthy of it.

"I think I really need to learn to be more selfless before I get married"

Wisdom from my 16-year old self. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I chose to marry Janardan, not second-guessing it or anything, but just trying to remember everything that makes him different from other people, all those things that convinced me that there was no one else that I would rather marry. The strongest of those is one that I have never forgotten, and it is that I cannot conceive of there being anyone else who Janardan would marry. I am the girl for him. I could have married a variety of different people and ended up happy, but I was the one person who he would marry. That specialness is something I remember every time I ask that question. Today I was reminded of an answer that I had that I have long forgotten.

While I was dating Janardan, most of my family commented on how giving I was toward him, and how that changed me. He is someone who I have seen as so deserving of service that I could not help myself from serving him. I learned to be my own version of selfless. Dating him is what prepared me for marriage. I am still very much selfish, and still have so much more to go, but I was selfless enough to start that journey because I decided that he deserved my service.

He understands me. And while that is still important to me, I realize that what I thought that meant and what it really means are very different. He does understand me. He knows me better than anyone else, and he understands people in general. He loves me more than I can comprehend. But that doesn't always mean that he is understanding. He understands my faults as well as my good aspects, and sometimes it is a brutal slap in the face to be given a reality check instead of comforting words, but he gives me the desire and the belief that I can be better.
The other two are the two things that I was looking for in someone. The first is rather ironic. I knew that he would never leave the church. He is as solid as someone can be, his testimony is sure, and it will be him taking me into eternity, not the other way around. It's ironic because he has gone to church one time since we were married, and that was for about 15-20 minutes. It is not his actions that speak his testimony, it is simply the way he is. The second was I wanted to marry a man who I knew would never leave me. Rooted in me a desire to never get divorced. I need someone who will never leave me, so that any contemplation I have is fleeting. I could never leave him, because then I would leave him truly alone, and nothing that he could do could make me want to consign him to that.

I knew back then that I needed to be more selfless, and I made it enough to be ready to get married. Now I would say to myself: I need to always remember the good my husband brings to me before I can be a better wife. I always always think he should be giving me more, and I resent that he doesn't have more to give, and I always blame him for that. But it is not him, he has much to give in the way of opportunities for service, in great feelings of love, and in examples of strength. He is weak, and yet so strong.

I love my husband, and I am glad I was smart enough to choose him.

Lay offs

So I no longer have a job. Of course if I wrote this tomorrow, that may not be true, but anyway. That is correct, Net Marketing Alliance downsized, and I was ousted! It is the first time I have not dictated the time when my work relationship with a company would end. I really am broadening my horizons. It doesn't really bother me actually, because I was there long enough to figure out what I want to do, and now I can go about trying to make it begin to happen. That's right, I want to be a Productivity Specialist. A productivity specialist, you ask? What is that? I have never heard of it before. Well that is quite right my friend, it is a position I would like to invent, a position that I think will one day prove to be quite invaluable. The gist is that I will keep all the employees happy to be doing work. Sounds like a great job, eh? Anyway, so I decided that to promote myself as this, it would be helpful to have some sort of business background, and so I am contemplating getting an MBA. Plans can always change, but that is the plan for now. So I'll graduate, work for a year or two, and then get an MBA. So now I am looking for a job that will help me on that path.

On another front, kinks are back again. Making exercise a daily venture is proving trickier than I thought. But I am vigilant! By which I mean, not actually doing anything! It is much easier to adjust my schedule when I have one, and when I am working, I don't have one. I realized yesterday when I got laid off that I really like working. I don't like not working.

Work is slow, so I will entertain you

I got to work today at 6am. A little before 6 actually, just to help people coming to our Nashville conference with directions. So I have now been here for three and a half hours. It has been ridiculously slow since other people came in at 8am. Now all the Nashville people are there or not coming, and we don't have many conferences for people to register for. I feel like doing a list, so I will create a list on the first topic I think of.

List of Books I am Reading/Going to Read:
The Sigma Protocal by Robert Ludlum
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J. K. Rowling
The Carnivorous Carnival by Lemony Snicket
Thank You for Smoking by I don't remember
Dune

Of course two of the books I am listening to as books on CD/on my Ipod. Dune Janardan was reading to me at night before I would go to bed, but then he started going to bed before me. I guess I could start making him read to me again now that he is sleeping after me again. I actually wanted to read The End today at work instead of Carnivorous Carnival, but I apparently grabbed the wrong book. Carolyn and I had a discussion about an interpretation of a detail in that book, and I wanted to read it again, so I could back it up, but alas I have the wrong book.

I finished The Ambler Warning this week, and it was a very interesting book. I thought the ending was kind of a letdown, though it made a lot of sense. It was just kind of sad. Which really gives away nothing! So go ahead and read it, and when you finish it, we can discuss. Or don't read it.

So I have been contemplating houses. I've had a really good idea if I do say so myself. My idea is that whenever we move to Oregon (I think I am getting settled on that idea, though the exact city not yet), I should buy one of two things 1) a mobil home on a large piece of arable land or 2) a large piece of arable land and a mobile home. The beauty of the plan is that mobil homes and incredible cheap. But then I could get settled on a piece of land, get the land working the way I want it to, and then maybe in some amount of time, I could have a house built on the land, and sell the mobile home, to be moved to a park or wherever. I think it is a grand idea. Of course I haven't talked even to Janardan about this plan, but I am sure he will be won over by my genius idea, unless of course he is opposed to living in a mobil home. But they are like cheap, and like affordable. Anyway. Just an idea I have been tossing around.

Ok perhaps I will now make another list.

List of ways I want to be domesticated:

1. Share a cow that can be milked for fresh milk
2. Make cheese from said fresh milk
3. Be able to subsist mainly on food grown on my land
4. Make homemade food as much as possible
5. Have a greenhouse~
6. Punch you in the face

Ok, minus that last one. It's funny. All of my aspirations mainly have to do with food. Like buying cloth for sewing, or buying clothes isn't something I really have an aim to stop doing. I guess I just see those things as less vital for survival. If something happens, I can survive without being able to go to the fabric store, but through no disaster would I be able to survive without cheese. Ok, just kidding, I meant food, not just cheese. I guess it is the idea of necessity self-sufficiency. Or just being as self-sufficient as possible. It's also that you just get a lot better quality from things that are grown there in person. Things that don't have to be shipped from some other place don't have to be picked unripe so they will ripen, you can get them fresh. And then you get a lot less going bad, well in some cases at least.

I would really like to develop a permaculture. Read about it on wikipedia if you don't know what it is, but it's basically creating an ecosystem of edible food. And Emily's chickens could graze on it for fertilizing and weeding. Ok fine, maybe I will get some of my own chickens too. I'll let her keep the bees, though. Ok, I am leaving work soon. Bye kids. Don't be stupid!

Kinks

It's interesting how little things can throw you. I was sick on Friday. More like half of Friday, the first half, starting at 2am. And it has been such a kink in things. I tried waking up yesterday for water aerobics, but I was just too tired to get up, so slept in later. And then today I wanted to get up and go swimming, so I made sure I got to bed at a decent time, but I didn't want to get up that early again. And so my dishes are undone, as the time when I feel like doing them has been missing from my day. The system that I had worked out and was happy with now has this kink thrown into it. I'm pretty sure it will just take a few more days to get back into it, but it's kind of thrown me that it is taking this long.

The second kink is that I think I could be heading towards higher amounts of socialization in my life, which I highly welcome, but it hard for me not to let go of everything else in favor of socialization. It is generally what is most important to me. But with greater socialization comes more pressure on my sleep schedule, making it harder to exercise, and less time to practice the piano. All of these competing interests. The natural way to take care of it is to turn my hobbies into social activities, which I have figured out how to do in certain areas. Sewing could be done with my sister. I could try and find someone to sing with me for the piano, the only problem being I am not quite ready for that, but that is my end goal. I suppose in that case the sacrifice seems worth it. But then it becomes the question of how often.

In freedom, we are still bound by our choices. I can do anything I want to do, but I can only choose those things that are most important to me. I cannot do everything, not immediately at least. And that is the kink. I have to choose what I want.

The Domestication of the Wife

So now that I have encountered breadmaking, and all of its many fruits (as in making things besides bread), I have a new skill I am going to try and learn: cheesemaking! I don't know what actually made me first thinking about doing it, but I think it had something to do with havarti and parmesan being so expensive, as far as cheeses go. I'll probably buy the things I need (like starters and rennet) next month. So I will have to content myself with bread for now, but I am excited to start on cheese. All the websites recommend making a cottage cheese first, but as I don't really like cottage cheese, I decided to forgo that step. I've made paneer anyway, which is basically the same process. But I am excited. I'll probably start with mozarella s it doesn't have to age at all, so it will be very instantly gratifying, but I am looking forward to going on to the more exciting cheeses as well.

I also planted my garden this past week. I was talking to my friend, and he said I should plant basil around my tomatoes, so I will probably plant some basil sometime soon outside too, and use that natural bug protection. It was looking like rain today so I haven't watered my garden today, but I may have to, and it keeps on not raining. I am excited about my garden though. The things I want most to grow are my multi-colored peppers. They are so tasty, and also expensive, which is why I don't buy them. So it would be nice to have a steady supply. I am also attempting to grow watermelons and cantaloupe. When I had my garden before, I tried to grow cantaloupe and it didn't grow, so hopefully I will be more successful. I think I should be in general, because this piece of land gets a lot more sun. As in, direct sun all day. So that should be nice for my garden.

I started water aerobics this week. I think I am liking deep water better than shallow water. It's really fun, and exercising helps me have energy, and just feel good, so it's nice to have something I like to do.

My experiment for this weekend, well I guess there are two. I am freezing cinnamon and orange rolls to be baked at a later time. I've done it with pizza dough, but not cinnamon rolls, so we will see how it all works out. Hopefully it will work pretty well. I forgot to add extra yeast. That was a suggestion of a website I read, but I think they should be fine anyway. I also made frostings and put them in the fridge, so Janardan will be able to do it on his own, and not have to eat the frostingless, or try and make frosting. My motivation for the cinnamon rolls - TRANS FATS! The ones we have been eating have trans fats, which I found out a few months ago, so once I started my bread kick, I decided after the pizzas, this was the next thing that needed to be eliminated (I made Janardan frozen pizzas, because the cheap ones he gets have 3 grams! EEK!). My second experiment is not going as well. I am trying to make focaccia bread. It just turns out tasting like pizza dough. What I really need is to try focaccia bread, because now I forget what it is like, so it is really hard to try and make something like it.

Janardan got a job! So that is also happy. Hopefully that will help him. I know working has helped me a lot. Since starting working I have a)gotten a lot better at the piano via practicing b)learned to make bread c)planted a garden d)started exercising regularly. There are probably more things as well, oh like the most important one - been happy! Well that started before working, but you know. Anyway, so I hope it will help him get structure and figure things out more.

Anyway, I should go...punch you in the face! Wahahahaha!

Breadmaking and Quilt Displays

So I made my first loaf of home-made, not by machine, bread on Wednesday. It was really quite fulfilling. I am looking forward to baking bread more often, becoming more refined at it, and learning to make many different kinds of bread. I started a sourdough starter yesterday, and today it seems like it is already getting frothy, which is exciting, because I thought it was going to take like a week. I want to try making baguettes, and french bread, because they are some of my favorite types of bread. I do also enjoy a good foccacia, and I'm looking for a good recipe to try out for that. Breadmaking is quite exciting.

Last night was our quarterly enrichment meeting. We were having a Relief Society birthday, the night entitled Ohhh Pioneers. So we gathered a lot of quilts (many came from my home), and had quilts as table cloths, and then also as displays. We also had pioneer pictures. I think the decorations ended up really nice, and put us all in the right mood. My sister commented that I should have taken pictures. I really should have, because some of the quilts were really just stunning, and the displays altogether ended up really nice. It was a really fun night, and very rewarding for me. I am enjoying my calling. Next for me is my desire to start different enrichment groups. I have been contemplating a storytelling group, which I think would be really fun, and might have some interest. I've also contemplated just an informal singing group, just getting together to sing things for fun, kind of like Carolyn and I do. I'd also like to get a sports group together, just to get together and play different sports, though that would require more equipment, and so may be more difficult to plan (more especially a basketball one, but hey).

I've been practicing the piano pretty much everyday, and I usually play for an hour and a half to two hours. I really can't believe how much I didn't want to practice when I was younger, and I think I am beginning to realize why. It was because I really had no purpose in wanting to know the piano. I wanted to take lessons, because in some way I wanted to know how to play the piano, but I really had no reason to know how to play. Now I want to play to accompany myself and others in singing. I want to learn how to sight read so that I can pick up and play things. It is amazing to me, because I can see how much difference just the short bit that I have been playing has made. I feel so much better at sight-reading, particularly different keys. I read on one website that an important aspect of sightreading is learning the scales and chords in each key, but I've found that what really sinks it in for me is just learning a song the normal way with that key signature. Like I am fine with songs with 5 flats, because I am working on a song with 5 flats in it.

Work is fun. I am making friends at work. Calls are slower, which makes the day go by pretty slow, but it gives me time to research things, like substituting honey for sugar, and to talk to my co-workers. The girl who sits closest to me and who I've gotten to know the most has moved up to data entry, and I'm sad that she is gone. There is someone new in her place, and so I'll probably get to know her, but I will miss Megan too.

I want to start exercising, but haven't found people to play basketball with yet. I will still continue my search, but it will probably take some time. In the mean time, and probably then still as well, I want to try water aerobics. Not that I am going to force myself to do it. I just want to try it out, and if I like it, could make it a regular part of my exercise program. If that doesn't work out, I'll probably start walking in the mornings, if I can get myself to bed early enough to be getting up to go on walks in the morning. I just love walking while the sun in rising, being out there in nature; it is so gorgeous.

It's funny how families work. All growing up, it was always about how different I was from my sister, but now that I am not living with her, and we both have our own husbands from their own very different backgrounds, it is amazing how similar we seem. I wonder what other siblings would have been like if we had more. Would they have been as much like us? Like are we just similar as being in the same family, or more similar than is usual in families as well? I guess we'll never know. We are still really different, but just compared to how different we are to our husbands, we are so similar.

I picked up Emily from the airport tonight, and we talked forever into the night. Janardan was going to go to bed shortly after I left for the airport. I came home, and the bedroom light was on, and so I went in there, and he had fallen asleep with the lights on. He always looks so peaceful, and comfortable when he sleeps. So relaxed. I hope one day he'll learn how to carry it into his daytime. He deserves it. It makes such a nice end of the day to come home and see my husband sleeping peacefully.

Life Is Good

There comes a time sometimes when I feel like I can do anything. I like to sing with Carolyn. We are singing now about once a week, but in a year we will probably part ways, and I won't have somebody to play the piano so greatly as she does, so I've decided now is the time to prepare, and learn to play for myself, so that I can still continue to sing when she is gone. Janardan is sleeping during the middle of the day, so I am thinking that I can go and get some piano music from the library, then go up to campus, grab a piano, and start playing. I am really excited about it. I was going to go to bed about an hour ago, but I have just been sitting here thinking about it, looking up music, and just getting excited about it.

And I went to play basketball today, and there was supposed to be a women's group playing, but they weren't there, but there were three men there, so I asked if I could play with them, andwe played and had fun, and I decided I could play with guys still, and so I'm just looking for people to play with, irregardless of their male or femality.

I am working and I am sewing and cooking, singing, and playing the piano. I can do all that stuff and still do the laundry, still clean the dishes, still do the grocery shopping, still take out the trash. And I'm going to garden too. It is amazing how much I am finding I can do now that I have a handle on the things I feel I need to do. And I have full confidence in myself back when I was watching TV all the time. I did what was right. I needed to take care of my emotions and not worry that I wasn't being active. I would when I was ready to, and now I am ready, and going to do it all!

As I was walking home from choir/basketball tonight, I was just having a vision of the kind of mom I could be, and that I probably will be after I adjust to being a mother. The first few years will probably be my worst as a mom. I was just thinking about playing basketball with my sons, and my daughters if they want to. And just playing lots of sports with me, being outside and doing lots of stuff together.

If I got promoted in my job, I think I would take the job and work full-time, if they'd let me work out to still finish up my schooling. I could get benefits and get paid more, and probably have a really fun job that I like even more than the one I have now. I'm really excited about where I am in my life right now.

I really want a son. And not like a baby. I'll be ready for that in a few years when we actually have one, but right now I am excited about having an older son, and one who takes after my dad more than his own dad, lol. I just want a son to play sports with. I'd take a girl who wants to as well. I'd love it if all my kids did. We could have some great 2 on 2 games. So this is kind of my new goal, I suppose. Today when I first started shooting around with these guys, I really sucked. I haven't played for about a year. I want to be good enough that my sons will want to play with me, and not mind having an older lady playing with them, just because their mom is not like the women who could play when they were younger. I want to be able to play always.

I used to get crushes on all the guys that I played basketball with. I think most of all it was the idea that I could play basketball with them forever, because they loved it so much, and so they seemed like good guys to like. I guess I've come to realize that I can love basketball without my husband, that I can brainwash my sons to love it wahahahaha. I guess really more what I realized is that I have to keep on doing what I love to do even if my husband can't do it, because it won't be his fault that I don't, it's mine. He is not trying to give me fibromyalgia too. And sometimes he just needs more time alone, because of the fibro, and so it is doubly good for me to still go out and do the things I love to do. And then one day when he can, I know he will come with me, and we can find the things that we love to do together that involve being active and social.

I will probably have to come to terms with this again when we actually have kids, but I think I've somewhat come to terms with the fact that I will probably be half-single mom and half-married. I will be a completely married wife, but it will be important for me to do a lot of things as a mother, just because Janardan can't do them, like going to the kids games/activities, like working probably, like going outside and exercising together. But at home we'll all be able to play games together. He'll talk to the kids while I make dinner, play with them, take care of them when I need to go off and do stuff. It doesn't make me sad, I guess. Like all the stuff I have to do is the stuff I would want to do anyway, well except working, which I suppose is a big part. Once they're in school, it won't be as bad though. And maybe Janardan will not be so bad that he can work for a while at least while they're young.

I guess what makes me happiest about how I am feeling now is that I think my whole life won't be stress and depression, that I will be able to make a great life for our kids, so that they won't feel deprived at all because their dad is ill, that they get to spend more time with him because of that, and because of that, they get to have a special relationship with me. I think I will probably spike into depression after we have our first child, at least, if not when we have each of our children. But I guess now I just feel like it is something that I know will end. Eventually I will abandon the idea that I need normalcy and will realize that I can do everything that I need to, and I will get to feel like this, and just love being a mom and wife, and a human being, being able to do all that I need to glory the Lord.

I'm having visions of having a baby in a carseat on the stage in a church cultural hall while I play basketball. See I will make it work out. I can still do it all.

I've always been adaptable. It just took me awhile to adapt. But now that I have, and once I do after each life change, life is going to be good, and life is good.

General Conference Projects

This general conference I have been working on my Christmas Tree skirt. I am doing 5 scenes from the Christmas story that will be sewn together to form the skirt. I finally cut out the last two backgrounds today. So now I'm gonna put up the scenes, and tell you what I've done and what is still to be done.

First is the Angel appearing to Mary

The fabric I chose to do the walls on this one is pretty funky, but I hope it will work and give off the impression of a stone-ish type house. The room is probably bigger than is really realistic, but oh well.

I obviously still need to add the angel to this one. I need fabric for the angel robes, so those will not be done as soon as the rest of everything will be. I am considering redrawing my angels as well, because both of them (one in another scene) look a little odd. So we will see how that works out.

Second is Joseph and Mary Traveling to Bethlehem

I have somehow misplaced my donkey, so I am most likely going to have to cut out another one, but I have Mary all ready, and Joseph has all his pieces cut out, except his beard (it's the same story in the next frame as well). I had put Bethlehem on this already, but it was crooked, so I pulled it off (without damage to either piece yay!) and straightened it. It looks much better now. So this one really doesn't have much work to be done, besides Joseph's beard, even though it doesn't look very done. Oh yeah, and I guess the donkey, since I lost it.

Third is the Nativity Scene

Owing to the belief that the stable was more likely a cave-like place than a barn-type place, this scene takes place in a cave. The only players in it are Mary, baby Jesus, and Joseph. I have baby Jesus and Mary all done, just Joseph, once again. There is also a really big star to put right above the manger, outside of the cave, but I can't put it on until I figure out the size I will be cutting these all down to. I am somewhat dreading that part, as my patterns were a little lopsided, and I haven't figured out quite how I am going to get symetrical pieces with such a big circle. I will figure it out one day, and then I will do it. It's just like with Sonic's mask. I worried forever about it, eventually came up with a great idea, and it was a fairly painless process.

Fourth is the Angel appearing the the Shepherds

This is one of my favorite scenes so far, mainly because it is the most finished. All of those pieces are ironed down. The sheep are so cute. I had more of them, but it looked a little overly crowded, so I just didn't use them all. The angel will be up in the sky off to the right (where the shepherds are looking to. This is the piece that will probably determine how big the other pieces can be, as there is a lot of extra room on all the pieces but this one, though I think if I want to make it bigger, I can work something out. I messed up on the cave one, and ended up really short, but fixed that up, and I could rig up something to work here too.


Fifth is the Wise Men Coming to Jesus

Throughout the scenes, I have tried lean on the side of historically accurate, rather than what is traditional. That is why I have the wise men coming when Jesus is around two years old, and while he is in Egypt, because that is commonly believed to be the most likely time that the wise men found Jesus. As you can see, this scene is pretty much done. I just have to iron down everyone except Mary (she is already ironed down). I really like this scene as well.

I've also decided today that I am going to put corresponding scriptures to the scenes that they go with. The one about the shepherds, though, either sounds really odd "There were in that same country shepherds watching over their flocks by night", or dastardly long, and there would have to be two more verses to go with it. I am trying to figure out how I want to do the lettering. I know I do not want to applique it - I don't have the patience to trace the zillions of letters that would be by machine. My mom has an embroidery machine, so I could use that to do the lettering, and that may be what I end up going with, but I have seen one other way of lettering done, that if I can figure out how to do, would probably be my first choice. It looks pretty much like writing but is done with string. I don't really know how it is done. Actually, this isn't going to be a purely sewn piece, so I may paint the lettering as well. That is what I have decided to do with the facial features on the people.

The other thing I am considering is what color to put as the borders in between, and then what color to do the lettering on. I keep on having differing thoughts, but I probably won't decided finally until most of the pieces are done, and I take them to the fabric store and look at them all with various pieces of fabric. Actually, what I just thought of now that would be nice, would be to put them all together with a wood-type border. I've seen some really great wood-like fabrics. The only problem would be the grain on the curve. Ah well.

Oh yeah, I also have a few other promised pictures from before -

Janardan's Christmas present for me :

Actually, I think that's the only one. Oh yeah, there is one of my completed History of Creativity Project, but that is a poor quality picture, so I want to take another one, so I can get a really good one of it up on here.

I'm going to try and finish up the Josephs tonight, so that I can work on my new project idea tomorrow during conference. Making this tree skirt gave me the idea that I could make my own Christ-centered pieces to put up in my home, so I wouldn't just have the standard Mormon fair, but could have some of my own. There are two that I have ideas that I know I want to do. I want to do one of Christ calming the waters, and one just of Christ out in nature, I guess kind of a Gethsemane scene, but when it is light outside. I don't know what kind of sewing I want to do for the calming the waters one, but I know I want to do the just Christ picture as a paper piece, so I am going to try and start drawing a pattern tomorrow. I think the hardest part is going to be the face. It will probably take me a while to figure out how to make it look just right, but it will be a fun adventure, and hopefully will yield a very beautiful piece to hang in my home.

New Job

I have a new job. It is pretty fly. Ok I don't know why I used that word, but you know, sometimes you just feel like saying fly so you do, and I did, so I did. So there.

Working is great. I work 5 hrs a day, so I have structure in my day, but still enough time to cook and sew and garden as I want to, and spend time with Janardan at whatever time he is awake.

Went and saw Mystic India yesterday, an IMAX movies. I like Imaxes. They have a different kind of movie there, more documentaryish, and when you're in the mood, it is a nice change to the usual Hollywood movie. I've wanted to go to India before, but I really want to go now. It is such a beautiful country.