"I think I really need to learn to be more selfless before I get married"

Wisdom from my 16-year old self. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I chose to marry Janardan, not second-guessing it or anything, but just trying to remember everything that makes him different from other people, all those things that convinced me that there was no one else that I would rather marry. The strongest of those is one that I have never forgotten, and it is that I cannot conceive of there being anyone else who Janardan would marry. I am the girl for him. I could have married a variety of different people and ended up happy, but I was the one person who he would marry. That specialness is something I remember every time I ask that question. Today I was reminded of an answer that I had that I have long forgotten.

While I was dating Janardan, most of my family commented on how giving I was toward him, and how that changed me. He is someone who I have seen as so deserving of service that I could not help myself from serving him. I learned to be my own version of selfless. Dating him is what prepared me for marriage. I am still very much selfish, and still have so much more to go, but I was selfless enough to start that journey because I decided that he deserved my service.

He understands me. And while that is still important to me, I realize that what I thought that meant and what it really means are very different. He does understand me. He knows me better than anyone else, and he understands people in general. He loves me more than I can comprehend. But that doesn't always mean that he is understanding. He understands my faults as well as my good aspects, and sometimes it is a brutal slap in the face to be given a reality check instead of comforting words, but he gives me the desire and the belief that I can be better.
The other two are the two things that I was looking for in someone. The first is rather ironic. I knew that he would never leave the church. He is as solid as someone can be, his testimony is sure, and it will be him taking me into eternity, not the other way around. It's ironic because he has gone to church one time since we were married, and that was for about 15-20 minutes. It is not his actions that speak his testimony, it is simply the way he is. The second was I wanted to marry a man who I knew would never leave me. Rooted in me a desire to never get divorced. I need someone who will never leave me, so that any contemplation I have is fleeting. I could never leave him, because then I would leave him truly alone, and nothing that he could do could make me want to consign him to that.

I knew back then that I needed to be more selfless, and I made it enough to be ready to get married. Now I would say to myself: I need to always remember the good my husband brings to me before I can be a better wife. I always always think he should be giving me more, and I resent that he doesn't have more to give, and I always blame him for that. But it is not him, he has much to give in the way of opportunities for service, in great feelings of love, and in examples of strength. He is weak, and yet so strong.

I love my husband, and I am glad I was smart enough to choose him.