Life Is Good

There comes a time sometimes when I feel like I can do anything. I like to sing with Carolyn. We are singing now about once a week, but in a year we will probably part ways, and I won't have somebody to play the piano so greatly as she does, so I've decided now is the time to prepare, and learn to play for myself, so that I can still continue to sing when she is gone. Janardan is sleeping during the middle of the day, so I am thinking that I can go and get some piano music from the library, then go up to campus, grab a piano, and start playing. I am really excited about it. I was going to go to bed about an hour ago, but I have just been sitting here thinking about it, looking up music, and just getting excited about it.

And I went to play basketball today, and there was supposed to be a women's group playing, but they weren't there, but there were three men there, so I asked if I could play with them, andwe played and had fun, and I decided I could play with guys still, and so I'm just looking for people to play with, irregardless of their male or femality.

I am working and I am sewing and cooking, singing, and playing the piano. I can do all that stuff and still do the laundry, still clean the dishes, still do the grocery shopping, still take out the trash. And I'm going to garden too. It is amazing how much I am finding I can do now that I have a handle on the things I feel I need to do. And I have full confidence in myself back when I was watching TV all the time. I did what was right. I needed to take care of my emotions and not worry that I wasn't being active. I would when I was ready to, and now I am ready, and going to do it all!

As I was walking home from choir/basketball tonight, I was just having a vision of the kind of mom I could be, and that I probably will be after I adjust to being a mother. The first few years will probably be my worst as a mom. I was just thinking about playing basketball with my sons, and my daughters if they want to. And just playing lots of sports with me, being outside and doing lots of stuff together.

If I got promoted in my job, I think I would take the job and work full-time, if they'd let me work out to still finish up my schooling. I could get benefits and get paid more, and probably have a really fun job that I like even more than the one I have now. I'm really excited about where I am in my life right now.

I really want a son. And not like a baby. I'll be ready for that in a few years when we actually have one, but right now I am excited about having an older son, and one who takes after my dad more than his own dad, lol. I just want a son to play sports with. I'd take a girl who wants to as well. I'd love it if all my kids did. We could have some great 2 on 2 games. So this is kind of my new goal, I suppose. Today when I first started shooting around with these guys, I really sucked. I haven't played for about a year. I want to be good enough that my sons will want to play with me, and not mind having an older lady playing with them, just because their mom is not like the women who could play when they were younger. I want to be able to play always.

I used to get crushes on all the guys that I played basketball with. I think most of all it was the idea that I could play basketball with them forever, because they loved it so much, and so they seemed like good guys to like. I guess I've come to realize that I can love basketball without my husband, that I can brainwash my sons to love it wahahahaha. I guess really more what I realized is that I have to keep on doing what I love to do even if my husband can't do it, because it won't be his fault that I don't, it's mine. He is not trying to give me fibromyalgia too. And sometimes he just needs more time alone, because of the fibro, and so it is doubly good for me to still go out and do the things I love to do. And then one day when he can, I know he will come with me, and we can find the things that we love to do together that involve being active and social.

I will probably have to come to terms with this again when we actually have kids, but I think I've somewhat come to terms with the fact that I will probably be half-single mom and half-married. I will be a completely married wife, but it will be important for me to do a lot of things as a mother, just because Janardan can't do them, like going to the kids games/activities, like working probably, like going outside and exercising together. But at home we'll all be able to play games together. He'll talk to the kids while I make dinner, play with them, take care of them when I need to go off and do stuff. It doesn't make me sad, I guess. Like all the stuff I have to do is the stuff I would want to do anyway, well except working, which I suppose is a big part. Once they're in school, it won't be as bad though. And maybe Janardan will not be so bad that he can work for a while at least while they're young.

I guess what makes me happiest about how I am feeling now is that I think my whole life won't be stress and depression, that I will be able to make a great life for our kids, so that they won't feel deprived at all because their dad is ill, that they get to spend more time with him because of that, and because of that, they get to have a special relationship with me. I think I will probably spike into depression after we have our first child, at least, if not when we have each of our children. But I guess now I just feel like it is something that I know will end. Eventually I will abandon the idea that I need normalcy and will realize that I can do everything that I need to, and I will get to feel like this, and just love being a mom and wife, and a human being, being able to do all that I need to glory the Lord.

I'm having visions of having a baby in a carseat on the stage in a church cultural hall while I play basketball. See I will make it work out. I can still do it all.

I've always been adaptable. It just took me awhile to adapt. But now that I have, and once I do after each life change, life is going to be good, and life is good.