Because I choose to

The words of Neo in the final Matrix movie are somewhat immortal to me. They go with other timeless quotes such as "To thine own self be true". And they get at something that I think is at the heart of our very existence. The backdrop is Agent Smith fighting him, with mind as well as body. He has throughout the whole triology been telling Neo that "It is inevitable". And it culminates in this moment:

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why do you persist?

Neo: Because I choose to.

Because I choose to. These are the words that ring out and stand as a banner for everything we are and everything we can be. It is the admission that in everything we do there is, or at least at one time, there was a choice. We cannot control the world around us. We cannot stop the winds and the storms, we cannot stop the sun from rising, or force it to rise, but in ourselves, we are our masters. We choose what we do. This is the powerful gift, the divine gift of agency.

The whole point of the atonement is to give us the ability to raise from the ashes from our own bad decisions. It is to give us greater freedom to choose, and that one bad decision will not ruin our lives and destroy our ability to choose forever, but as we cling to that, that we may gain greater and greater freedom. If you look at any command the Lord has given, what appears to be a restriction upon closer inspection is a protection of that divine right to choose, a guide to help people stay away from those things that destroy agency, that impair choice.

It is not inevitable. Nothing is inevitable. We can choose, and we can repair our impairment to choose through the atonement. The consequences of our decisions are natural. Certain choices lead to certain consequences. The choice is the decision in the first place. We can choose anger and bitterness. We can choose strife. We can choose to love. We can choose to hate. Every moment of every day, we have a choice. Nothing is inevitable. We are who we are, we do what we do, because we choose to.

And the winner is....

Emily!

She was saying the other day that she thought she might have a good chance of winning the giveaway, so it is funny that she did. Guess I won't have to ship anything! Congratulations Emily! And thanks everyone else for entering!

Favorite things giveaway

One more day to enter! Everyone come on over and comment!

My Favorite Things

I was using my sea salt glow...stuff, and thinking how it is one of my favorite things, and it then made me think of those episodes of Oprah where she showcases her favorite things and everyone finds stuff under their seats or whatever getting the favorite things she offered. Then I decided to make a post of some of my favorite things, as a few of them have been swirling around my mind especially in the last few days. And just to make this in true Oprah fashion, I think I'll do a giveaway, and the person who wins can choose which of my favorite things they would like me to give them. The giveaway will end on Saturday the 28th, so get your comment on sometime before then. So without further ado! My favorite things:

Amano Chocolate

Since I already extolled all the virtues of this wonderful chocolate earlier today, I won't say much, except I love loving a product where the people who make it love it and are proud of it. They pay 3-4 times the fair trade price for cocoa beans, and because of that they get better quality, but also they care about the people who grow their beans. And it is the best chocolate I have ever tasted.

There's the Rub Sea Salt Scrub

I am not a big shopper. I don't like to go out much, and I like to avoid spending money. I especially don't like to spend money on lotions and soaps and perfumes, and all sorts of things that seem frivolous and totally unnecessary to me. But when I get in certain moods, sometimes I just like to frivolously spend to kind of get me out of a funk. One such time is when I bought this. This bottle is huge, and will probably last me the rest of my life, since I use it only a few times a year, but it makes my skin feel -amazing-, so it is totally worth it. Though really I would highly recommend getting the salt thingy that goes along with my next favorite thing, as going through those people's sales pitch is so totally worth it. They are very good.

Vivo Per Lei Body Butter

So...looking at this online, I am thinking I really did get a steal on this. Like the sales guy said he was giving me a steal, but you know, you never can tell, but I got this stuff for $25, and the places online all have it for around $50. This may have to have a star next to it for the giveaway, if I can't find it for cheaper somewhere.** Anyway, this stuff is -amazing- though. This again will probably last me the rest of my life, but put that together with that salt stuff, and it is a beautiful thing. Hands so soft, legs feeling so nice. I used a fair bit today on my arms and legs, and my skin feels lovely. I am not a big fan of lotion as it has the uncomfortable oily side effect, but this stuff to me does what lotion never can, but always should have. It's amazing. Really. (Also for this one and the last one, anyone who ever shows up at house is free to use some of mine. I have a ton that I will seriously never deplete my supply for a long time.)

Cutco Knives

I sold Cutco a few years ago, and the reason I sold so much of it ($15,000 worth), is because I love it. The double D edge is heavenly, and having had mine for about 4 years now, I can say that it certainly lasts. I love the lifetime guarantee (though that is not helping me with figuring out where I have lost some things!! :P ). Going through the Amano factory today reminded me of going through the Cutco factory, and just seeing the pride the workers had for their product. Man I really have misplaced a lot of knives, and most of that being since I have moved into this house. ...Yeah ok, I had to go check, because I was like, I can't have lost like 5 knives since moving into this house, and apparently they are just put away. So yay, mystery solved! They are in the long-term, not short-term storage area. I have been wanting my slicer lately, so I am very happy to have found it. So I have all the knives in that picture, except only the petite chef knife, and not the french chef. But man oh man I do love my knives. I really want to get a block to keep them in. (Also if anyone actually decides to buy some knives, I could probably temporarily get back into selling them, so try buying through me, and I could get you a really good deal -- emails to writecrazy@gmail.com for anyone who doesn't know that).

The Diva Cup

I know I did a post on my DivaCup when I first bought it like a year and a half ago, but I still love it, and it is definitely one of my favoite things. Periods used to be an annoying time of the month when I had to be concerned about having tampons, where it seemed like I was always worried about things leaking or causing me more issues. And my period would last like a week. I hadn't really noticed, but I read on someone else's blog about a shorter period, and then I started to notice that my period is shorter, but what was more relevant to me is that I barely notice my period. Like the first day, I notice it, because I have to empty my cup a number of times because it fills quite rapidly, but then it's just a couple days of a little bit more, and then it's done. And I'm never freaked out about Toxic Shock Syndrome. I remember the hours I took at first to figure out how to learn to use it, how frustrating it was, and I have no reservations at all in saying it was completely worth it. I love my divacup, and I would never never never go back.

Advantage Wonder Cleaner

Some guy came by our house one day selling this stuff. He sold me on the product, but he was kind of annoying to me since I didn't want to buy right away. But Emily and I ended up going in together for this. I love using it, and it's supposed to be fairly safe and stuff, and it works so amazingly well. (The guy licked the tube that the solution was spraying out of, so that was pretty compelling). I don't really know what else to say but that this stuff cleans pretty awesomely, and I know my chemicals from being a janitor.

Nike Plus

When I was running, I loved my nike plus. It was so fun to hook up to my computer and see things accruing over time. It was fun to make challenges with my sister, or join up other random challenges, and have it contribute to something. I really wish they had something like this for a bike. I mean, my bike computer is okay, and keeps track of some things, but I want to be able to keep track over time how much I do, how fast I go, and hook into a website like the whole nike plus thing is set up. If I hadn't been totally destroying my joints on the concrete in Texas, I would still be running to my heart's content, adding another mile to my nike plus. But now I do love my bike too. But nike plus is great for running. (And they really need to make something I can put on my bike.

Pizzeria 712

I can't find an image that does the food and the atmosphere justice. To me, there is only one place in the Provo/Orem area (ok this is excluding Communal the restaurant made by the same people as P712) that can compete with Pizzeria 712 as far as quality of food (and especially dessert), and that is Chef's Table, which costs about 3 times as much. The food is amazing, and I love how they have a seasonal menu using as much local food as possible. The food is great, the idea is great. It is a wonderful place.

Ouidad Products

For anyone who knows me, you might have noticed that I am not the girliest girl, and do not put that much time into my appearance. There is the occasion where I do want to put some time into my appearance. For all the curly-haired ladies out there, Ouidad products are amazing. I like the shampoo and conditioner because my hair can turn out decent without me doing anything with it after getting out of the shower, and if I'm in a really girly mood, I can spend 10 minutes putting stuff in my hair to get my curls to really shine. They also have a great product for using after swimming. It is so delicious smelling, and makes my hair feel so yummy, after being so yucked by chlorinated water.

Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day

This book is amazing. I don't buy bread anymore. And like, sure I've had that goal for pretty much...long before I got married, but never was I actually keeping that goal until I got this book. And it is not just crap bread, this is delicious bread that I am eating pretty much every day. To me, the success of their method and recipe was clear to me when I was talking with a girl I knew in Australia who had never baked bread before and was sure that she would mess it up, and she came out of it with beautiful lovely loaves. The method works, it is easy, and it is highly delicious. This book has begun my love affair with sandwiches.

Piave de Vecchio

I do not really know how to describe the awesomeness of this cheese. My favorite cheese used to be a tie between brie and havarti, which are both great cheeses, but once I had a bit of this cheese, there was no going back. It is amazing cheese. There is no way to understand except to have some...or talk to someone who can describe cheeses. So delicious.

Balsamic Vinegar

I can't believe I forgot about balsamic vinegar! Meaning I did remember it, and then forgot it two times before I actually posted this. But then I remembered and had to add it to my list! I also love Colavita specifically, because I have tried a few different brands, and this one is one of my favorites, and even better that it is relatively inexpensive compared to other brands. Really, I love vinegar in general, but balsamic is my favorite, and of balsamic, colavita is my favorite. It is unsurprising that many of my favorite things I have blogged about before. Of course I would want to blog about them! :D

I wanted to put a book on here too, but I cannot think of any one book that qualifies as my quintissential favorite book. So perhaps I will just have to do another post on my favorite books. Thus ends my favorite things post. But check back in the next couple days, I may think of a couple things to add.

So, go ahead and comment away to enter into the give away. Comment telling me one or lots of your favorite things!

**I have checked and I think I can find something with a reasonable price for the body butter, so that is still in the running, but keep in mind that if I'm not able to at the time, you may have to use a second choice if that is your choice.

Amano Chocolate

At Pizzeria 712, they had a dessert with a chocolate that was labeled amano. I remember having this dessert, and the chocolate was not overly sweet, and it made me think, that perhaps this amano type of chocolate was one where I could take it not being completely milk chocolate.

It made me curious, so I wanted to look up and see what it was. I found this. I went through their website and read everything, and it made me like them even more. They pay a premium for their beans, which means that the people who are growing these delicious cocoa beans are being given a decent wage, and not forced to remain in poverty, which is something I am definitely a fan of supporting.

So I have been planning to buy from them for a while, and they had mentioned that you could call before to stop by their factory to buy directly there, and since it is right in Orem, I figured that would be a better option than paying a whole lot to ship it over to Provo. Then the other day I was reading on their blog that they are opening the factory for the holidays, and that people could stop by between the hours of 10 and 4pm. So for about a week, I have been planning on going over there, but never had gotten around to it. So I decided that today I was going to go.

I went over to see if Prairie wanted to go, and she did. She took a long time to get ready, and by that time, Autumn was ready to be picked up from school, so we picked her up on the way there. I expected that we would just get to go there and buy some chocolate, but I was very surprised by the great treatment we got.

We went there, and an employee came and let us in, and started showing us around the factory, explaining to us how the chocolate is made and what all the different machines do. They had just finished a bit of white chocolate, and it was in the cooling room, ready to be cooled down, so he got us some spoons and dipped them in and gave us each a bit of the slightly warm white chocolate. It was very good. Then he took us over to the place where they had lots of different bits of chocolate, and gave us bits of 4 kinds to try. He asked the girls which chocolate they liked the best, then handed them a bag of 1/4 kg of the jembrana milk chocolate they liked. I couldn't believe he just handed it to them. It was a big bag, and this is high quality chocolate.

Then I told him I wanted to buy a pack of 10, which retails for $62 on their website (which is a good deal as it is), and so he put me together a specialized pack with one of each of the kinds. So then I asked him what I owed him, figuring I'd need to add on tax, and he said, "How about like $50?" So I was really surprised. I handed him $60 anyway, because I really want to support such a good company.

The chocolate is amazing, and I have decided that dark chocolate is the same experience as with orange juice. It is not that I don't like it, it's that I only like really good stuff. It is amazing to taste all the amazing flavors in the chocolate, and I can't wait to try all of my different flavors.

Moving by Standing Still

I was at the pool yesterday for my niece's birthday, and I was talking with my mom while we were in a mini-whirlpool type thing. I just started standing there, while the current wanted to pull me along around the pool, and it took a bit of effort just to stay where I was. It reminded me of something one of Carolyn's harp teachers had said, that it is when you feel like you are going nowhere with your practicing that you are really making the most progress.

I've been slightly mulling these different ideas in my head, and the realization that sometimes we are making the most progress by standing still, because even though we can't see ourselves moving forward, we are keeping ourselves from moving backward, and we are getting stronger and more ready to move forward when the current is not pushing us so hard. We are gaining strength.

On a completely unrelated note, but since I have this compose mode up and feel like writing, I have figured out that I want to be more ambitious at work. I was talking to my friend at work, Raman, the other day, about how my boss seems like he has no idea what he wants to do with me, if he wants me to be a supervisor next summer or what. Apparently he and a couple others had talked to him about how I should say something to my boss about it. It is not really something I feel comfortable doing, but I am considering it. But I first started to consider what I would really like to do there. And I started to figure out that what I want to do is a little bit of everything. I want to supervise, I want to do home owner verification, I want to take calls, I want to sort out techinical problems, I want to listen to QC calls, I want to help on the manifest, I want to interface with the reps, I want to work on building Vision to be a better place to work for, a better place to sell for. And that is just some things, really I don't know everything I want to do. I have pretty much perfected the small part of the process I do, and honed it down to its most efficient method, and so I want to take more on, and not just be there to robotically do my job and pick up a paycheck. I want to do it not because I really care about Vision all that much, but because I want to be that kind of employee to a company, and that kind of person in life.

So I am still trying to figure out exactly what to ask for, and I have already started just doing more of my own will, and so when I figure out what I need my boss to give me responsibility or training over to do, then I may talk to him.

I'm trying to make an effort right now to really listen to that advice others give to me, and not just gloss over it and do whatever I think is best without even considering what someone else says. And I'm glad I listened to Raman, because even though I may not end up doing exactly what he advised me to do, by considering it, I have figured out more what would make me happier with my job.

Being Adult and Imagination

As a child, it seemed like there were so many uses for imagination, and there was such encouragement from lots of different areas, and also opportunities to use imagination. I remember spending all day long at the pool, inventing all sorts of things, and having fun really feeling like a part of those things, being shipwrecked at sea, then being a mermaid saving people, then other things. I had a different idea when I started this post of where this was going, and I may get around to that eventually, but now I am thinking more about what I miss from my childhood. I miss that, the other worlds, but I think also sharing them with someone else, having someone there who believed in it just as much as I did, and our belief spurred each other on, even though we knew it wasn't real, we took it seriously. My best friend and I were having a conversation about this a couple years ago, and we were at a pool, and so we decided we would try. After a few minutes, it just felt awkward, and we went back to resting in the hot tub.

I think it takes more tangible things now for me to step into that world. But then there is also the double-edged sword of responsibility. My sister and I were playing with Prairie the other night with a Little Tykes house, and I got more into that than I have anything in a while. But I feel held back from completely indulging in such a world, because of the things that need to get done, people need to be fed, kids need to go to bed. I think I want to learn to let go more, to let go sometimes of all the responsibility, of all the things that need to get done, and just live for that little small figurine I am holding, in whose world you can bungee-jump off a house. The other thing my sister and I did when we were younger was play with our animals, I had bears and she had a family of pigs. The bears had a huge house with a pool in it, and all sorts of neat things in it. And they would go and visit the pig family. I think that is something I could get into again, and I have thought about that, and I really want to make a little village of felt animals, and a beautiful town for them to live in. It is a magical world of plenty, the land of imagination.

Sometimes it seems like as an adult, there is not as much use for imagination. There is use for innovation, in changing things, and that is valued, but I think imagination is undervalued. My thoughts on first starting this were to do with the transformed uses of imagination in the adult world, and how it can be helpful in new ways, but I got lost in reverie, and the desire to recapture some of the old uses as well. But I think the biggest use of imagination in the adult world is to be able to imagine what someone else is going through. It is to look at them, and see how they are acting, and imagine a reason for it, and not just a bs reason that makes it so you can be annoyed with them, but a real genuine reason that gives you compassion for them. It can calm annoyance, and rise us to a higher plan of love and kindness to others.

And I think there is a lot of value in imagining reality, in thinking about what facts we may know really mean. I have started thinking a lot more about people worldwide, and about all the hungry people in the world. Some things are so tragic, and so far out of my experience that I can't even really imagine what they must be like. I have read a story about a woman and her husband having to choose which of their children they would have to let starve, so the whole family did not perish. That is something I would never imagine. But I can imagine children whining and crying because they are hungry, and the anguish of a parent who has to tell them there is no food to eat. 36 million people year die because of diseases related to starvation or starvation itself. That is 60% of all the people who die on the earth. I can't fathom those numbers. They are too big, but I can think of villages starving, and villages in Africa, in Asia.

But I can't hear these people's voices. When is the last time I saw a person who looked even anything nearing malnourished? But just because I do not see it does not mean it is not so. And so I remind myself, by imagining what it must be like, and letting these numbers remind me that it is not just in my imagination, but that is really happening on this earth I live on, and that even though I may not be able to help all of them that I can at least start by helping one.

I want to tell their stories, but they are only in my imagination right now. I want to talk to them, I want to care for them. In some ways I think imagination is even more important as an adult, to remember how many desires can be met by simply imagining they are so, and to try to understand what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes. We can't switch bodies or lives with someone else, but we can imagine what it would be like, and I think that is a good first step.

My Testimony

I bore my testimony in church today, but the couple minutes I was on the stand did not give me the time, nor could I convey everything that I feel and had thought of leading up to that moment.

I know that God lives, that He is our Heavenly Father, and that we were reared by him in the life before this one. I know that he knows each and every individual person on this earth, he knows them by name, and he loves them. How expansive is his love for each individual on this earth. I know that He sent his son to this earth, to live and preach, and then to suffer, to bleed and die for all of us. That atonement is infinite and eternal. It lasts forever, and it covers all the ways we separate ourselves from the Lord, whether it be a minor indiscretion, or the great sins that beset us in this life. The atonement covers them all, great and small.

I know that Joseph Smith walked into that grove of trees and that He saw God the Father, and His Son Jesus Christ. I know that it was through inspiration that he brought forth the Book of Mormon, and I know that that book is true, and as Joseph said, that a man will get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts than any other book. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints is the Lord's church on the earth, with the power and authority that come along with it, to administer ordinances, and to do works in the Lord's name. I know that Joseph Smith was just the first of many prophets who have been called and administered in that office in this dispensation. I know that Thomas S. Monson is the present president of the church, that he is our prophet, seer, and revelator, and the one person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys.

How great and glorious is the Lord and his love, to give us this gospel, to give us this church, to give us this organization. I invite all who read this who do not know for themselves to seek the Lord, to pray to him, to find him, to read the Book of Mormon, to live obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel, and find the amazing blessings that await those who do so. All glory be to the Father who created this earth, who sent us here to learn, and who created a glorious plan whereby we may return to him, all of us, the whole family of the earth, to dwell with him forever. He is glorious and bright. He is light and truth. When we seek him, that is what we find. When we read the scriptures that testify of him, we draw near unto him. And it is holding on to that iron rod that leads us to the one source of truth, our Father in Heaven.

How soft the whisperings of the spirit, but how powerful its message, that the church is restored, that God speaks to men on earth, and that salvation and exaltation are open to all. I love this gospel, and I love the truth. I love my Heavenly Father, who forgives so much weakness in me, and who provided a Savior that I can have hope of overcoming all my weaknesses. How glorious and majestic the love of God. I know he lives, because he loves me, and I feel that so much every day. I love him. He lives, he lives, he lives. That is my testimony.

I share it with fervor and humility, in the sacred and beautiful name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Differing Perspectives

When I was a kid, the draw of Halloween was to go around to all these houses, and get as much candy as I could. The funny thing is that I did not even end up eating all that much of my candy. I remember one year I got 10 pounds, and I think my dad was still eating it by the time next Halloween had rolled around, but I had stopped many many months before. I love planning for a costume too, and considering being something or someone else, just stepping into their shoes, but the focus of Halloween never seemed to focus much on who you were actually being, and rather that you were just looking like someone else. I think in some ways I wanted to step onto a movie set and act the role of that person, though without someone yelling cut, or following a script.

I think my favorite part of going out with my nieces tonight was walking down my own street, and meeting some of my neighbors. I was dumfounded to learn that there are two deaf men who life basically across the street from me. I was so excited to talk to them, I could barely sign. I felt so out of practice, and I couldn't remember how to say anything, but I still got the point across, and told them that we lived very close, and tried to point it out, and then described it by color. It was funny because walking away, my sister said she didn't know I knew so much sign. I had felt like I had really not done that well, that I had forgotten so much, and like I really didn't even say that much. I really want to go back and to take them cookies, just to stop by and have an excuse to make friends with them. I love my sign language, and I love using it. When people want to speak to me in Spanish, I will if I have no other option. No other language do I even try to speak that I vaguely know (though perhaps I would use a bit of German if I had occasion), but oh whenever I find a deaf person, I love to sign with them. I want to make friends with that person so I can sign with them forever.

The great disparity in passion and ability, and why there is not such a disparity as we think

Sometimes I think it is some of the things that matter most to us that we are hardest on ourselves about. I have been thinking about this particularly with my sister. Emily has most of her energy taken by caring for her three children, so it is hard for her to set new systems into place, even though she would like to. She cares so much about the environment, and wants to spread awareness and knowledge, but has limited opportunities to do so, and I think she gets hard on herself a lot, because there is so much more she would like to be doing that she can't do yet.

But I think she is looking at things the wrong way. It is not what she personally does that matters the most. I think she sees me try all these new things, put things into place where I am able to cut back on my personal waste, able to bike more, and all sorts of things, and kind of feels like "Oh that's what I should be doing," even though she knows she doesn't have the energy to do those things right now, and that she will, and so much more, when she does have the time. But the thing is, take Emily out of my life, and 90% of those things wouldn't be there. They are not there because of my own personal interest, and my own passion. I don't really consider myself a "green" person. I am just an everyday person who has caught some of her vision, and so make changes for very practical reasons, that can make me feel warm and fuzzy as well. I get my exercising done while commuting. I cut down on the cost of disposable products.

But my real point is, while they are interesting and fun and practical, they aren't important to me. They do not define my life, and I don't feel like I am accomplishing my life's work by doing them. But everything I do there, I owe to her. And what she -does- do has a huge impact on me, and I've discussed the things we both do with other people with a stronger backdrop to perhaps influence them as well. When we can't do the work with our own hands, we share the vision, and the work can be enlarged, and it can be done by other hands.

I like being Emily's hands right now. Her influence on me is great, and I love that it is there, and love the things it inspires me to do. I hope that my passion and vision can also influence others, and that they can be my hands, when I cannot do all that I want to do.

The title of my blog

When I was thinking about what to name my blog, all those years ago (ok not -that- many), I think one of the things I thought of was some for of keeping up with me, in the sense of knowing what's going on with me, and the phrase "keeping up" reminded me of a phrase I had learned the summer I worked selling knives, of keeping up with joneses. And it amused me, because it is not at all what my blog is about, and so with the amusing irony, I named my blog.

I have considered different times changing the name of my blog, because I don't think the irony is all that evident, and I think people just disregard the name because it doesn't fit and is confusing, but I have stopped every time I have considered it, because every time I think about the name, I love it.

I think the whole mentality of keeping up with the joneses is simply ludicrous. It is the individual flavors and the differences, the separate passions, and the beautiful lives of individual people and families that make this world worth living in. And when people are a way we want to be, they should be our inspiration, not our competition.

I think the title will stay, simply because it amuses me, and the title of a blog can seem either descriptive or beautiful, and I know mine is neither, and it is a bit of a distraction, and perhaps worse than having no title at all, except for one small fact, and that is that when I think about it, it makes me smile. And for me, that is enough.

Influences

We had a lesson in Sunday School yesterday about following the prophet. As we talked about it, I became a bit suprised that I had no recollection of what the prophet had said at the general conference just a few weeks ago. His talk was not one that stood out in my memory, so when I got home, I wanted to read over it, and I guess make sure I was heeding his counsel.

So then I start reading the talk, and I realized that I've been focusing on this the past few weeks a lot more, and that I did pay attention to the talk and internalize it. I made a decision then to try and be better about serving others, and doing things for other people. I just didn't associate it with his talk, even though as I read it, I was sure that is what prompted the determination in the first place.

I guess it just kind of surprised me that the talk had had such a big impact on me, and I really didn't remember it as the source at all. It makes me wonder what other things are having an influence on me, for good or bad, that I don't realize. There are probably a lot more things than I think.

Mystical Reality

I'm a girl who always wonders if I was born in the right century.* I love the idea of olden times, the sense of community there was, the connection to nature, just through necessity for survival. There are certain things that seem idyllic, lots of things that I wish I would have been there to take part in. That is also part of the reason when I write fiction, I tend more towards the fantasy side than science fiction, because of the beauty in simplicity.

This morning I went to the farmer's market. I've been going for many months now, and I always love going. There is one farmer there, and I don't know his name, but his is my favorite stand. He is such a nice man, and I love to go there. I will always stop and buy something from his stand, even if I don't really need any of the things he is selling (though I'll use it too). I bought around 20 pounds of onions, so his grandson asked me if I was storing up for the winter, and I say yes. He said they'd eat what they didn't sell through the winter. Today was the last day I'll be able to go to the farmer's market (I'm working next week during the last time), and so I wanted to stock up so I'll have plenty of things for the winter. There is something very satisfying about storing up for the winter, as people have been doing for thousands of years. I've been doing it all summer, canning and drying (freezing too, but that is only a modern convenience, though so too is my method of drying).

It all started in June in a Sunday School lesson. They were talking about the word of wisdom, and someone mentioned how we make a big deal about the don'ts, and focus less on the do's. I thought about that, and read the word of wisdom again, and realize I didn't even really have any concept of what food is in season when. I go to the store and can buy anything I want any season of the year. I have enjoyed going through the summer, seeing when things come in season, and enjoying them in season, trying to store them from the peak season, so I can have produce through the winter, and supporting local farmers.

When I think about myself walking through the farmer's market this morning, I feel this same feeling I do as if I imagined some girl in a fantasy setting going to the market to buy vegetables for her family for the winter. It is like a mystical reality, and I feel excited that I got to take part of it.

*I generally conclude that I was for various reasons, such as widespread literacy and how important writing is in my life, and other things like that.

Trying New Things

I think I get a zingy high out of trying new things, well to a certain degree. It is part of why I am so readily willing to try new things, because it makes me feel good just to be doing something new, and it amuses me to catch my patterns that I don't even realize. Last night Emily and I were having an evening of sewing, and I decided that I would just bite the bullet and start making some cloths to try out family cloth. I had wanted to get some darker cloths, and a lot of other things, but finally just decided to use what I have, and start. I had been walking out of the grocery store, and I saw someone carrying pads, and I just started wondering how much money I have saved already by owning a divacup for one year, how much I love it, and never have to worry about buying anything like that, and it freshened my resolve to try out family cloth.

So I made the cloth, and started using it last night. And like, I felt so weird when I was done, that I hadn't touched the toilet paper at all. It felt like I was missing something. This feeling amused me. So, I thought in anticipating it this morning that I'd be prepared for that feeling. And then I used my family cloth, and then my hand started to reach for the toilet paper, just out of habit. And this even more greatly amused me. It still makes me smile. I don't really know why. and I know in a couple weeks, the new habit will be established, and I probably won't reach anymore, but it still makes me laugh so much.

On another note, I always feel bad in public restrooms, because I take two papertowels. I try to be conscious of things I am doing and how they affect the environment etc. and so this small thing really bothers me that I do (but I also like dry hands, and one just doesn't cut it), so I also made a small towel to go in my camelbak (purse) that I can use in public restrooms. I am very excited about it. I am also trying to figure out some sort of container to take my family cloth on the road, but I haven't figured it out yet.

But I love trying something new. It starts my day with a chuckle and a smile to realize all the things I do that I don't think about, and how even when I think about them, I don't think about them. What a habitual creature I am.

It is funny how it is the littlest things that can make you so happy. I went to the library today to study insurance licensing, as I am considering becoming an insurance agent for some time. And so I was there reading for a long time, along my own path, in complete control of how my life was going, what I was doing, and then a guy came up to me, put a starburst on my desk and said, "I commend your diligence in studying." And I watched as he went on, and I marveled.

The small bit of surprise over a free piece of candy was nice, but for me, it was magnified so much by what it meant to me. It reminded me that the things that affect my life are not only under my control, that I am not the sole responsible party for my own happiness, and that my own unhappiness or happiness is not purely based on knowledge or ignorance and my actions, but that things outside of myself, outside of my own effort, my own seeking, can bring me happiness. I think I saw the miracle in that starburst, because I have been seeking so much for one, but it did not diminish the fact that it existed. I don't even know if I said thank you to that random stranger. I was too surprised to react at all, but now that I have had time to think, I want to thank him, and I want to thank anyone reading this blog for the kindness you bring to unsuspecting strangers. You may be a miracle in their lives and have no idea of it.

And then as I studied my scriptures, another chance occurrence came, and another realization of something I could do for myself, or ask someone else to do.

And to think my hope, my happiness, and my miracle was just this:

Thank you random stranger.

Funny Things

"Finish your dinner and then you can have some spinach." No, you have not stepped into an alternate universe where up is down, and left is right.

My sister said something like this last night to my nieces, and my dad has commented often enough on such statements that I know she says things like that to my nieces often. These girls love their vegetables. They were pretending to be my twin babies last night as they ate dinner, and I would feed them their (incredibly delicious) shells stuffed with butternut squash and ricotta cheese. But I had to fend off the bites of cauliflower and broccoli that they were shoving into their mouths in between. They were not waiting for me to feed those to them. They just grabbed at them and wanted to eat them. And they both had a bowl of spinach, and then wanted more after that. These girls know what is good for them and they love it.

Despair and Vision

I feel like I have such a wide variety in how I feel by myself. I will sometimes be thinking, and just feel this vision of the future, that great things can be done, that wonders in the world can be done, and that those things I cannot control will be okay. And then other times I have these moments of despair, and I can think of the same things, I can think of the same concepts, but I feel despair, and not hope.

The thing is I know the kinds of things that make me feel better too, like studying my scriptures, and exercising, and praying. It is those things that really change my mood, that really bring me back to the hope side of the equation. And so I've decided to do those things every day, so every day I know I will do them eventually, but I still start off the day not wanting to do them. Most days I start off in despair, and while I may have happy moments in the day, and while the day may end with hope, it most often does not begin with it.

When I despair, it never seems like it should be so simple to hope, and I have little hope of hoping again anyway. I have felt so much like here I am, holding to the iron rod, and I am just wandering through miles and miles of mists of darkness. The times I am hopeful, it is not because I can actually see ahead, it is that I remember that it has to eventually lead to the tree of life, and that I will be able to partake of the fruit. I feel so much the reality of Lehi's vision. Those 38 verses speak to me. I remember when I lived in Texas, I felt this clinging to the rod, while the storms and hail beat around me. That chapter speaks to me, because I feel like I cling on, having no idea why, feeling it taking me through some really tough things, things that if I trusted myself above the Lord, I would definitely avoid.

I think the real difference between the times of vision and the times of despair is not so much what is around me, the setting is the same. I'm still clinging to this rod, no idea how long these mists of darkness will last, no idea what is to come for the future, but the difference is that when I despair, I look at the mists, and I see them and think that they will never end, and when I hope, I am looking to the rod, seeing that there must be some way out of them, because that is where this rod is headed.

But I don't think I will ever really stop taking time to look at both the rod and my surroundings. It may suck to despair, but I do not want to close my eyes to my life. My hands are firmly holding the rod, and that is where I am heading, and it is good to take time each day to remember it is leading me, but I don't want to lose the realization when I leave the mists because my eyes were only on the rod, and not seeing my surroundings as well. I want to take it all in. If the price for looking is despair, it is a price I will pay, because when the mists pass, I want to be used to looking, so I do not miss the beauty of joy. Because it is what I see around it that affects what I see when I look to the rod. Right now it shows me that I will leave this, and it gives me strength to keep going. It guides me. When the world is sunshine, and beauty surrounds me, it becomes a rod that I can jump around, and swirl around, and it increases my joy, and helps me realize how truly amazing it is, because it reminds me that I came through a lot to get to that point.

And so I hold on, looking out and looking in, wondering when the mists will break. I hold on with despair, I hold on with vision. But always I remember that the fact that my hands are on the rod means that my despair is not so bad as it could be. I still trust the Lord, and with that, I look to a brighter future, whenever it may come.

What Defines Us

It is strange. I have come to a new realization lately. I really don't know why this wasn't apparent to me before, or why it seems so important now, and why I never realized it before, as there is so much evidence around for this concept as to make it seem completely obvious. And it is that for the most part, by and large, it is the worst things we do in our lives that define us. And I think the reason I never realized this before, is because it is not how I am with myself. I do not let my worst moments define me, but I think I have done it so much to the point that I ignore that my worst moments even exist, or that they are me. They feel like some other person, not me, and I sometimes slip into this mode, and then I come back to myself. But to anyone who experiences those worst moments with me, it can wipe away tons of great moments, just to have this bad moment.

And the thing that strikes me about that is that I have a great need to pulverize all of my faults. Yes, I want to be a better person, so I want to work on doing good things, and helping more people, and being more compassionate, more thoughtful. But in some respects, -none- of that matters if these rare occasions come along and steal it all away. And it's not really that I mean that I want my faults to define me for myself, but rather I don't want them to exist at all, and it is important for me to work on eliminating them, not just expecting forgiveness for them because of what a great person I am otherwise. Whatever I am otherwise doesn't help enough to make up for it.

But it is a fine line. I don't think most people err on my side. I know lots of people who beat themselves way too much over things, and get depressed easily because of the bad things they do. And I don't think that's where we need to be either. I think it has gotten to the point where I am so entrenched in the way I define myself that it is very hard for me to even realize what my faults are. I don't really know what I intend to do about that, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.

I mean, I want forgiveness, but I don't want to be doing things that are serious and just need perpetual forgiveness. I want my best moments to define me, not the worst. But I feel like I can't have that while my worst moments are lurking around being pretty bad. I want to be better, not just at my best, but even moreso at my worst.

There is hope

I have been thinking a lot today about hungry people throughout the world. I was wondering today what I could do about it, how I could help, and so I started googling things, and then I remembered this organization I had looked into a few years ago called Heifer, when my Spanish teacher said she wanted to donate a goat. I've always wanted to donate through them, though became discouraged last time I wanted to, but this time I am determined to do so. And I think about my small efforts, that I may be able to buy a goat or a bunch of chicks or bunnies, or whatever else, for some family across the world. I'll be able to do at least one soon, but over the course of my life, I should be able to help lots of people.

And so when I come home, and I start thinking about my own life, and the things that sometimes seem hopeless, the things that seem like they are unsolveable problems, I remember there is always hope. On the other side of the world, there is a family that may think there is no hope that they can feed all of their children, that they will go hungry, but they will find that that was wrong, and that there is reason to hope. My problems don't even take a goat or food to solve. They take a shift in perspective, a new understanding, an enlightening of a view, and a re-determination to work.

Today I am reminded of how much I may think I know about the future, and how I do not know the things that will cross my path that will change me forever for the better, that will be the exact thing I needed, when I had no idea I needed it, had no idea it would come, but it is not false hope that such things will come, because they always do. The "unsolveable" problems of the world can be solved.

I remember that there is always hope, for so many reasons, but most of them coming back to the fact that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, and there is always opportunity for a miracle. It is the nature of the world to change. That is a fact that brings us so much hope, and so much sorrow. So much hope, that in bad times, things can always change for the better, and to sorrow, because the joy we know now can never stay the same as it is. But that is also wisdom, because it becomes a much more complex and rich joy, and we learn to truly appreciate it.

I have found my hope in pictures of chickens and goats, because though they are not what I need, I can see the way they fit together to bring a miracle to someone else, and I have no doubt that the things I do need will come, just as those will go to someone who needs them.

And so I hope.

Today I hear echoes quieted. Echoes of laughter, rich deep laughter, full of the deepest joy I have heard conveyed in a voice. Echoes of futures that could have been, but now will never be. When I first heard that Laura had killed herself, it had this moment of reality, and I mourned. The moment has passed, and I feel in utter shock, wondering how it can be true.

Incomprehensible amounts of pain. I cannot begin to comprehend it. I cannot begin to think of something that would make someone so desperate as to take their own life, but I realize that is only because I have been spared of the personal experience.

She used to joke around about which of us would be my nieces favorite aunt, her or me. I can't believe she's gone.