Despair and Vision

I feel like I have such a wide variety in how I feel by myself. I will sometimes be thinking, and just feel this vision of the future, that great things can be done, that wonders in the world can be done, and that those things I cannot control will be okay. And then other times I have these moments of despair, and I can think of the same things, I can think of the same concepts, but I feel despair, and not hope.

The thing is I know the kinds of things that make me feel better too, like studying my scriptures, and exercising, and praying. It is those things that really change my mood, that really bring me back to the hope side of the equation. And so I've decided to do those things every day, so every day I know I will do them eventually, but I still start off the day not wanting to do them. Most days I start off in despair, and while I may have happy moments in the day, and while the day may end with hope, it most often does not begin with it.

When I despair, it never seems like it should be so simple to hope, and I have little hope of hoping again anyway. I have felt so much like here I am, holding to the iron rod, and I am just wandering through miles and miles of mists of darkness. The times I am hopeful, it is not because I can actually see ahead, it is that I remember that it has to eventually lead to the tree of life, and that I will be able to partake of the fruit. I feel so much the reality of Lehi's vision. Those 38 verses speak to me. I remember when I lived in Texas, I felt this clinging to the rod, while the storms and hail beat around me. That chapter speaks to me, because I feel like I cling on, having no idea why, feeling it taking me through some really tough things, things that if I trusted myself above the Lord, I would definitely avoid.

I think the real difference between the times of vision and the times of despair is not so much what is around me, the setting is the same. I'm still clinging to this rod, no idea how long these mists of darkness will last, no idea what is to come for the future, but the difference is that when I despair, I look at the mists, and I see them and think that they will never end, and when I hope, I am looking to the rod, seeing that there must be some way out of them, because that is where this rod is headed.

But I don't think I will ever really stop taking time to look at both the rod and my surroundings. It may suck to despair, but I do not want to close my eyes to my life. My hands are firmly holding the rod, and that is where I am heading, and it is good to take time each day to remember it is leading me, but I don't want to lose the realization when I leave the mists because my eyes were only on the rod, and not seeing my surroundings as well. I want to take it all in. If the price for looking is despair, it is a price I will pay, because when the mists pass, I want to be used to looking, so I do not miss the beauty of joy. Because it is what I see around it that affects what I see when I look to the rod. Right now it shows me that I will leave this, and it gives me strength to keep going. It guides me. When the world is sunshine, and beauty surrounds me, it becomes a rod that I can jump around, and swirl around, and it increases my joy, and helps me realize how truly amazing it is, because it reminds me that I came through a lot to get to that point.

And so I hold on, looking out and looking in, wondering when the mists will break. I hold on with despair, I hold on with vision. But always I remember that the fact that my hands are on the rod means that my despair is not so bad as it could be. I still trust the Lord, and with that, I look to a brighter future, whenever it may come.