What Defines Us

It is strange. I have come to a new realization lately. I really don't know why this wasn't apparent to me before, or why it seems so important now, and why I never realized it before, as there is so much evidence around for this concept as to make it seem completely obvious. And it is that for the most part, by and large, it is the worst things we do in our lives that define us. And I think the reason I never realized this before, is because it is not how I am with myself. I do not let my worst moments define me, but I think I have done it so much to the point that I ignore that my worst moments even exist, or that they are me. They feel like some other person, not me, and I sometimes slip into this mode, and then I come back to myself. But to anyone who experiences those worst moments with me, it can wipe away tons of great moments, just to have this bad moment.

And the thing that strikes me about that is that I have a great need to pulverize all of my faults. Yes, I want to be a better person, so I want to work on doing good things, and helping more people, and being more compassionate, more thoughtful. But in some respects, -none- of that matters if these rare occasions come along and steal it all away. And it's not really that I mean that I want my faults to define me for myself, but rather I don't want them to exist at all, and it is important for me to work on eliminating them, not just expecting forgiveness for them because of what a great person I am otherwise. Whatever I am otherwise doesn't help enough to make up for it.

But it is a fine line. I don't think most people err on my side. I know lots of people who beat themselves way too much over things, and get depressed easily because of the bad things they do. And I don't think that's where we need to be either. I think it has gotten to the point where I am so entrenched in the way I define myself that it is very hard for me to even realize what my faults are. I don't really know what I intend to do about that, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.

I mean, I want forgiveness, but I don't want to be doing things that are serious and just need perpetual forgiveness. I want my best moments to define me, not the worst. But I feel like I can't have that while my worst moments are lurking around being pretty bad. I want to be better, not just at my best, but even moreso at my worst.