Healing

Sometimes life, and especially things going on now, really kicks me down. I felt so bad on Saturday. I just felt angry and bitter and jaded, and defeated, and like, just why why why was this happening.

I feel like the Lord has given me so much as I've been going through all this. There have been so many people who have reached out to me, or been there for me when I needed them.

On Sunday, I went to church and took the sacrament, and in that moment, I felt the ultimate healing of the sacrifice of the greatest person to ever live on this earth. He died for -me-, he suffered for -this-, that I might be healed from it. And I have felt that healing. I feel like a new person. And I don't think that means that my heart is done breaking, but rather that it is done breaking over those things. It has been healed from those things, and it will continue to break, but I know that through the Savior, I can also continue to be healed.

And the difference to how I feel today is night and day. I have so much hope and promise for the future. I was reading this book called "The Lost Boy" by Dave Pelzer (I highly recommend, everyone should read it!). It is about a boy who goes through the foster system, and well, a lot of stuff. The stuff that stuck out to me particularly poignantly was the bits about how he found the love that he could never get from his own mother from his foster moms, and other women he came into contact with through his experience.

I felt so moved by it because I have had an experience that is similar, with a boy named Mark, who has been so transformed by finding the love of a mother from me. It also inspires me, as it gave me an inside view of the future that I have desired, to foster children, and perhaps adopt them. It is this palpable feeling, because I know how it can change lives, and I want that so much for children who so desperately need it.

And all of this joy I feel right now, it comes from the love of the Savior, the love that he has for these children, that I have felt influence and guide me, and his love for me, in healing me, in strengthening me to withstand the storms of life, to stand tall, and to do good.

I was walking in our hotel tonight with my niece. We have two separate hotel rooms for all of us, and they are on different floors. Every time we leave one of the rooms, she will run the opposite direction of where we need to go, and I'll have to call her back and tell her to go the other way. I also made it very clear to her that she cannot leave the room without an adult being with her.

I had scenes flash in my head of her running around the hotel, and getting scared and being lost and confused, wondering where she was going, and why it all seemed to look exactly the same, but that she could not find the right doors, and I thought of her there crying, alone, and scared.

And it made me think of how my own life is like this huge confusing hotel, where I can't read the room numbers or make sense of it, or know what direction is the right way to go, that if I were left on my own, I would be completely lost. I think of when I listen to the Lord telling me "Go this way" or that way, and how much better my life is on course.

Prairie probably does not see the problems or bad things that could happen if she did not listen to me and went off into the hotel by herself, but she trusted me, and so she listened. And now she is sleeping safely and soundly in bed.

I think I could try trusting the Lord a bit more, and asking more for direction in my life. Because when I listen, it leads me to paths that I never would have taken on my own. And they are invariably better.

The magic in the mundane

I love being alive. I love the potential of every day to be magical. There is no doubt that life sucks sometimes, and things get me down, and make me want to rage, and make me cry, and make me feel beaten down. But then I always wake up to a brand new day, which can be beautiful, and where the possibilities are endless.

I woke up from a nap on Monday and decided on the spur of the moment that I wanted to hike the Y. So I did. It was gorgeous. I wrote something while I was up there that I'm gonna post on here, as soon as I decide to actually type it up.

There are things of beauty all around us all the time. I feel so blessed to live in this world, to have this body. I discovered new muscles yesterday because they were sore from the hike, and it was wonderful to just feel them, to experience these new things.

To me, even the crappiest day can be magical, and it is my aim to find the magic in every day.

Exhiliration

I love melancholy, I love it because of the potential it has. I went to church, and came home, feeling just so...excited about life. Knowing that there is a purpose in it all, that it will all lead to something beautiful, and just being reminded of those things.

I listened to this song again, and it made me smile and want to cry, and all sorts of things. It all just wants to explode out of me. I love living in my body.

Melancholy

I wrote a year ago about how I really enjoy the feeling of melancholy. Then the song that I was listening to was Apologize. Now the song I have on repeat is Behind Blue Eyes. For both of them, it has little to do with the words at all, and all about just the music, this combination of sounds that inspires this bittersweet feeling.

There is a magic about it. It is painful. My heart feels broken and full at the same time. I close my eyes and breathe, and just let it wash over me. It feels nothing like being depressed, because that is just an overall crappy feeling that I avoid like the plague. It is like I can feel my heart breaking, but feel it enlarging in the process, my capacity for joy being increased, and that new room, that new growth, it is palpable and exciting, even though it doesn't take away the pain of things breaking.

It is the beautiful mix and combination, this rich complex experience, that is not merely happy or sad. It is somehow both, but I don't feel like crying, and I don't feel like smiling. I take hold of the middle, close my eyes, and enjoy the experience, this magical place where I can feel both at once, where I don't have to choose one over the other.

This is why I love melancholy.

Mixed Metaphors on my Marriage

Orson Scott Card sets forth a hierarchy of foreignness in the Ender's Game series. There are the Utlanning, who are strangers from our own species and own world, Framling, who are strangers of our own species, but from a different world, Ramen, strangers from another species who are capable of living peaceably with us, and Varelse, who are strangers of another species who are not capable of communicating with us. Of course, his use for the setting was science fiction, with people living on all sorts of worlds, and running into different species, but I was thinking over it today, and I think I will tweak it a bit, but use it to describe my perspective on my impending divorce.

The thing that made me think of it was I was thinking again today about how Janardan has said repeatedly that he views me as his enemy. I have understood what he means to a degree in very narrow contexts. Push would come to shove, I would feel overly frustrated by his lack of appreciation or apparent love, and so I would just try anything, which ultimately could be described as emotional jabs to see if this person actually experiences any pain, and thus whether this person can actually be hurt or cares about me. And the first time or two, he did. He got hurt, and so it showed to me that at some level, at least, he did care. And those couple instances gave me view that this man was not varelse, but that there was a possibility for us to come together, and live peaceably and lovingly. (I would still call him Ramen, just because he is so different as to not actually live in the same world the rest of us live in).

I think he views me as varelse, though. He has his own way of seeing the world, his own way of working and living within it, and it is different not only from mine, but pretty much in essentials different from anyone I have ever known. He does not act according to any common expectations, he does not judge people that way, he does not appreciate people that way. He is disappointed by the best of people, and does not really care about the worst. And really, my interpretation of him could be completely wrong too – these are my guesses. He feels like I do not want to understand him enough, that I am not willing to do what it takes, or maybe that I am just not capable of being ramen, that I will never understand him, and that I do not even really try.

It is easy when I talk to people for them to side with me, to see him as this pretty crappy husband who never really did anything for me. And I get that, it is an easy view to take, and if you look at the surface, it is a pretty accurate description. But it misses so much that is below the surface. While we look at him, and see all the ways that he has failed me, he looks at me and sees all the ways that I failed him. And they are not things that I understand really, nor do I know how to combat, especially when he gave up on me, and did not want to give me any assistance in trying to figure out common ground.

A phrase I used to think of a lot while we were going through lots of drama was this line from Ever After. “A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?” To which he answers, “Then I shall have to make you wings.” We are all the birds, flying all around, wondering what he is doing down there, why he refuses to come up and fly, wondering why he will not come out of the water. Do I think he is quite as restricted as a fish? Not really. I think most of the barriers that existed, he created in his own mind in the first place, but that doesn't mean that they are any easier to overcome.

Do I think he tried very hard, or very much at all in our marriage? Not really. But the turnaround there is that I think he would view me the same way. We value different things, and action is not something he finds much value in. Do I think he should? Yes! But he also thinks that I should find more value in just thinking about things, or probably lots of other things that I never even came close to understanding.

I think there is a current among some people, and some people have said it to me, that I am in some ways lucky that he is leaving me, because it sounds like he was not all that great of a husband to me. And to a degree I think that is true, but I don't think it is because he is just lazy and didn't want to. He was a fish and tried to marry a bird. There were always going to be problems. It was a dream that we could find some place to meet in the middle. Do I really blame him for giving up on the dream? Not really, but I also don't agree that it couldn't have been done. And it would have been worth it all.

I sit alone in a dark room, not even the company of a body downstairs. I sit, and I am alone. It is not so much sad as it is weird. I have not been constantly alone like this in a long time. At times I love it. I love waking up in the morning, and singing and talking to myself, and not having to worry about waking anyone up or disturbing someone's sleep. I love the freedom to be my weird self, without looking to see if someone appreciates it or not.

But there are the moments like now. I came home, and it was light, so I didn't turn my light on. It's gotten dark, and there are no lights on in my house, and I haven't gotten up yet to turn the light on, and so I sit alone in the dark. It is not an experience I want to avoid (of course, what experience do I ever want to avoid) by staying out of my house all day long, or making sure there are people always around me. I am comfortably uncomfortable in my solitude. This is not what I wanted for my life, but this is part of not getting that, and so I take this experience with the rest.

I think I will put on my new fancy dress and dance around. Tonight is as good a night as any to rejoice in myself. I am not so much chasing this present mood away, as transforming it. I feel acutely alone, but not so much lonely, so I will bask in my aloneness. (Yes I realize the irony of that as I write something that will go off to be read by lots of people.)

I love being me. It is a shame to me, that he could not love me for all that I am. But at least I love me. That is what matters most, and makes me smile at myself when I look in the mirror. I think I'm pretty dang awesome.

Gospel Principles

I am SOOO EXCITED about Relief Society this year. Like, I always love relief society, it is great. But like, when I got my manual today, I was just so excited looking through the manual. The pictures are beautiful (ok some aren't <_<),>

The gospel is simple. It is plain. You learn the truth, you seek after it, you seek to do it, and your life will be blessed. You follow the commandments, and your life will be led to beautiful things, because the gospel is beautiful, and because it really is that simple. It really is that glorious and beautiful.

I glory in plainness! I glory in truth! I glory in my Jesus,for He hath redeemed my soul from hell. - 2 Nephi 33:6

Heavenly Father does live and love every one of us, and I bear my witness of that in the name of his Holy son, even Jesus Christ, Amen.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

This is certainly not the path I would have chosen for my life. Probably if there was one thing that I never wanted to happen in my life, it was that I did not want to get divorced. And so I feel that sentiment that Frodo expresses. Though I do not really regret getting married. And if Janardan wouldn't have decided as he did, I think we could have figured out how to make it work, and could have had something amazing. But I also think that there are other possibilities for my life, and it'll turn out okay.

And so for me, the important decisions are how I deal with it. I want things to be amicable with us. But I also don't want to ignore the pain that comes. So I'll work through it as it comes, and try to sort everything out. I was talking with Stefanie about this, and she asked me if she had to like him, and I told her yes.

Like, I think Janardan is making a horrible mistake, but that does not mean I think he is a horrible person. I am reminded of my experience getting kicked out of our apartment with two week's notice at Christmas during finals, by some people who were very nice good people. Good people are not excused from doing bad things on occasion, and good people can hurt you just as much as bad people. I mean, yeah, if Janardan were maliciously trying to screw my life over and cause me lots of pain and loneliness, it might be a lot harder to forgive him (though I'd still try). I may not understand exactly why he's chosen this, but I can easily recognize what it is not. It makes him a bad husband, but not a bad person. And I still love him a ton, and I always will.

I watched my parents stay good friends when they got divorced, and they set a good example to me of what it should be like. I mean, I probably won't interact with him that much, as we don't have children to bring us into contact as much.

And then I think of the second part of this quote, that this is the time that has been given to me. And I want to do something good with it. I've signed up to start volunteering as a Child Advocate, so I hope that will work out, and I can start doing that. Then I also want to look into volunteering at a suicide hotline, but I'm not sure they have any trainings coming up, so I may have to wait for the fall to start that. And I want to take some classes in the fall.

A week or so ago, I started writing the story of our relationship, as a kind of therapy, and to record it. So I'll work on that, and get through it, and hopefully I will soon feel ready to start a new chapter in my life. But whatever else, I want to make the best of the time I have been given.

The end draweth nigh

Janardan went back to Texas on Christmas day, and now it seems he is not coming back, except perhaps to gather some of his things. Above all, yes I want to talk about it, to anyone and everyone who is interested and curious. Call me, email me, chat with me, stop by and visit me. If you are curious about anything, feel free to ask me directly, because I do want to talk about it.

I'll answer the two most likely questions here though:

Are we getting a divorce? Yes.

Was this partially my decision? No.

But yes, above all, yes I want to talk about it. So contact me in some way if you want to talk or have questions, and I would love to talk to you, whether I know you or not.

Because I choose to

The words of Neo in the final Matrix movie are somewhat immortal to me. They go with other timeless quotes such as "To thine own self be true". And they get at something that I think is at the heart of our very existence. The backdrop is Agent Smith fighting him, with mind as well as body. He has throughout the whole triology been telling Neo that "It is inevitable". And it culminates in this moment:

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why do you persist?

Neo: Because I choose to.

Because I choose to. These are the words that ring out and stand as a banner for everything we are and everything we can be. It is the admission that in everything we do there is, or at least at one time, there was a choice. We cannot control the world around us. We cannot stop the winds and the storms, we cannot stop the sun from rising, or force it to rise, but in ourselves, we are our masters. We choose what we do. This is the powerful gift, the divine gift of agency.

The whole point of the atonement is to give us the ability to raise from the ashes from our own bad decisions. It is to give us greater freedom to choose, and that one bad decision will not ruin our lives and destroy our ability to choose forever, but as we cling to that, that we may gain greater and greater freedom. If you look at any command the Lord has given, what appears to be a restriction upon closer inspection is a protection of that divine right to choose, a guide to help people stay away from those things that destroy agency, that impair choice.

It is not inevitable. Nothing is inevitable. We can choose, and we can repair our impairment to choose through the atonement. The consequences of our decisions are natural. Certain choices lead to certain consequences. The choice is the decision in the first place. We can choose anger and bitterness. We can choose strife. We can choose to love. We can choose to hate. Every moment of every day, we have a choice. Nothing is inevitable. We are who we are, we do what we do, because we choose to.

And the winner is....

Emily!

She was saying the other day that she thought she might have a good chance of winning the giveaway, so it is funny that she did. Guess I won't have to ship anything! Congratulations Emily! And thanks everyone else for entering!

Favorite things giveaway

One more day to enter! Everyone come on over and comment!

My Favorite Things

I was using my sea salt glow...stuff, and thinking how it is one of my favorite things, and it then made me think of those episodes of Oprah where she showcases her favorite things and everyone finds stuff under their seats or whatever getting the favorite things she offered. Then I decided to make a post of some of my favorite things, as a few of them have been swirling around my mind especially in the last few days. And just to make this in true Oprah fashion, I think I'll do a giveaway, and the person who wins can choose which of my favorite things they would like me to give them. The giveaway will end on Saturday the 28th, so get your comment on sometime before then. So without further ado! My favorite things:

Amano Chocolate

Since I already extolled all the virtues of this wonderful chocolate earlier today, I won't say much, except I love loving a product where the people who make it love it and are proud of it. They pay 3-4 times the fair trade price for cocoa beans, and because of that they get better quality, but also they care about the people who grow their beans. And it is the best chocolate I have ever tasted.

There's the Rub Sea Salt Scrub

I am not a big shopper. I don't like to go out much, and I like to avoid spending money. I especially don't like to spend money on lotions and soaps and perfumes, and all sorts of things that seem frivolous and totally unnecessary to me. But when I get in certain moods, sometimes I just like to frivolously spend to kind of get me out of a funk. One such time is when I bought this. This bottle is huge, and will probably last me the rest of my life, since I use it only a few times a year, but it makes my skin feel -amazing-, so it is totally worth it. Though really I would highly recommend getting the salt thingy that goes along with my next favorite thing, as going through those people's sales pitch is so totally worth it. They are very good.

Vivo Per Lei Body Butter

So...looking at this online, I am thinking I really did get a steal on this. Like the sales guy said he was giving me a steal, but you know, you never can tell, but I got this stuff for $25, and the places online all have it for around $50. This may have to have a star next to it for the giveaway, if I can't find it for cheaper somewhere.** Anyway, this stuff is -amazing- though. This again will probably last me the rest of my life, but put that together with that salt stuff, and it is a beautiful thing. Hands so soft, legs feeling so nice. I used a fair bit today on my arms and legs, and my skin feels lovely. I am not a big fan of lotion as it has the uncomfortable oily side effect, but this stuff to me does what lotion never can, but always should have. It's amazing. Really. (Also for this one and the last one, anyone who ever shows up at house is free to use some of mine. I have a ton that I will seriously never deplete my supply for a long time.)

Cutco Knives

I sold Cutco a few years ago, and the reason I sold so much of it ($15,000 worth), is because I love it. The double D edge is heavenly, and having had mine for about 4 years now, I can say that it certainly lasts. I love the lifetime guarantee (though that is not helping me with figuring out where I have lost some things!! :P ). Going through the Amano factory today reminded me of going through the Cutco factory, and just seeing the pride the workers had for their product. Man I really have misplaced a lot of knives, and most of that being since I have moved into this house. ...Yeah ok, I had to go check, because I was like, I can't have lost like 5 knives since moving into this house, and apparently they are just put away. So yay, mystery solved! They are in the long-term, not short-term storage area. I have been wanting my slicer lately, so I am very happy to have found it. So I have all the knives in that picture, except only the petite chef knife, and not the french chef. But man oh man I do love my knives. I really want to get a block to keep them in. (Also if anyone actually decides to buy some knives, I could probably temporarily get back into selling them, so try buying through me, and I could get you a really good deal -- emails to writecrazy@gmail.com for anyone who doesn't know that).

The Diva Cup

I know I did a post on my DivaCup when I first bought it like a year and a half ago, but I still love it, and it is definitely one of my favoite things. Periods used to be an annoying time of the month when I had to be concerned about having tampons, where it seemed like I was always worried about things leaking or causing me more issues. And my period would last like a week. I hadn't really noticed, but I read on someone else's blog about a shorter period, and then I started to notice that my period is shorter, but what was more relevant to me is that I barely notice my period. Like the first day, I notice it, because I have to empty my cup a number of times because it fills quite rapidly, but then it's just a couple days of a little bit more, and then it's done. And I'm never freaked out about Toxic Shock Syndrome. I remember the hours I took at first to figure out how to learn to use it, how frustrating it was, and I have no reservations at all in saying it was completely worth it. I love my divacup, and I would never never never go back.

Advantage Wonder Cleaner

Some guy came by our house one day selling this stuff. He sold me on the product, but he was kind of annoying to me since I didn't want to buy right away. But Emily and I ended up going in together for this. I love using it, and it's supposed to be fairly safe and stuff, and it works so amazingly well. (The guy licked the tube that the solution was spraying out of, so that was pretty compelling). I don't really know what else to say but that this stuff cleans pretty awesomely, and I know my chemicals from being a janitor.

Nike Plus

When I was running, I loved my nike plus. It was so fun to hook up to my computer and see things accruing over time. It was fun to make challenges with my sister, or join up other random challenges, and have it contribute to something. I really wish they had something like this for a bike. I mean, my bike computer is okay, and keeps track of some things, but I want to be able to keep track over time how much I do, how fast I go, and hook into a website like the whole nike plus thing is set up. If I hadn't been totally destroying my joints on the concrete in Texas, I would still be running to my heart's content, adding another mile to my nike plus. But now I do love my bike too. But nike plus is great for running. (And they really need to make something I can put on my bike.

Pizzeria 712

I can't find an image that does the food and the atmosphere justice. To me, there is only one place in the Provo/Orem area (ok this is excluding Communal the restaurant made by the same people as P712) that can compete with Pizzeria 712 as far as quality of food (and especially dessert), and that is Chef's Table, which costs about 3 times as much. The food is amazing, and I love how they have a seasonal menu using as much local food as possible. The food is great, the idea is great. It is a wonderful place.

Ouidad Products

For anyone who knows me, you might have noticed that I am not the girliest girl, and do not put that much time into my appearance. There is the occasion where I do want to put some time into my appearance. For all the curly-haired ladies out there, Ouidad products are amazing. I like the shampoo and conditioner because my hair can turn out decent without me doing anything with it after getting out of the shower, and if I'm in a really girly mood, I can spend 10 minutes putting stuff in my hair to get my curls to really shine. They also have a great product for using after swimming. It is so delicious smelling, and makes my hair feel so yummy, after being so yucked by chlorinated water.

Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day

This book is amazing. I don't buy bread anymore. And like, sure I've had that goal for pretty much...long before I got married, but never was I actually keeping that goal until I got this book. And it is not just crap bread, this is delicious bread that I am eating pretty much every day. To me, the success of their method and recipe was clear to me when I was talking with a girl I knew in Australia who had never baked bread before and was sure that she would mess it up, and she came out of it with beautiful lovely loaves. The method works, it is easy, and it is highly delicious. This book has begun my love affair with sandwiches.

Piave de Vecchio

I do not really know how to describe the awesomeness of this cheese. My favorite cheese used to be a tie between brie and havarti, which are both great cheeses, but once I had a bit of this cheese, there was no going back. It is amazing cheese. There is no way to understand except to have some...or talk to someone who can describe cheeses. So delicious.

Balsamic Vinegar

I can't believe I forgot about balsamic vinegar! Meaning I did remember it, and then forgot it two times before I actually posted this. But then I remembered and had to add it to my list! I also love Colavita specifically, because I have tried a few different brands, and this one is one of my favorites, and even better that it is relatively inexpensive compared to other brands. Really, I love vinegar in general, but balsamic is my favorite, and of balsamic, colavita is my favorite. It is unsurprising that many of my favorite things I have blogged about before. Of course I would want to blog about them! :D

I wanted to put a book on here too, but I cannot think of any one book that qualifies as my quintissential favorite book. So perhaps I will just have to do another post on my favorite books. Thus ends my favorite things post. But check back in the next couple days, I may think of a couple things to add.

So, go ahead and comment away to enter into the give away. Comment telling me one or lots of your favorite things!

**I have checked and I think I can find something with a reasonable price for the body butter, so that is still in the running, but keep in mind that if I'm not able to at the time, you may have to use a second choice if that is your choice.

Amano Chocolate

At Pizzeria 712, they had a dessert with a chocolate that was labeled amano. I remember having this dessert, and the chocolate was not overly sweet, and it made me think, that perhaps this amano type of chocolate was one where I could take it not being completely milk chocolate.

It made me curious, so I wanted to look up and see what it was. I found this. I went through their website and read everything, and it made me like them even more. They pay a premium for their beans, which means that the people who are growing these delicious cocoa beans are being given a decent wage, and not forced to remain in poverty, which is something I am definitely a fan of supporting.

So I have been planning to buy from them for a while, and they had mentioned that you could call before to stop by their factory to buy directly there, and since it is right in Orem, I figured that would be a better option than paying a whole lot to ship it over to Provo. Then the other day I was reading on their blog that they are opening the factory for the holidays, and that people could stop by between the hours of 10 and 4pm. So for about a week, I have been planning on going over there, but never had gotten around to it. So I decided that today I was going to go.

I went over to see if Prairie wanted to go, and she did. She took a long time to get ready, and by that time, Autumn was ready to be picked up from school, so we picked her up on the way there. I expected that we would just get to go there and buy some chocolate, but I was very surprised by the great treatment we got.

We went there, and an employee came and let us in, and started showing us around the factory, explaining to us how the chocolate is made and what all the different machines do. They had just finished a bit of white chocolate, and it was in the cooling room, ready to be cooled down, so he got us some spoons and dipped them in and gave us each a bit of the slightly warm white chocolate. It was very good. Then he took us over to the place where they had lots of different bits of chocolate, and gave us bits of 4 kinds to try. He asked the girls which chocolate they liked the best, then handed them a bag of 1/4 kg of the jembrana milk chocolate they liked. I couldn't believe he just handed it to them. It was a big bag, and this is high quality chocolate.

Then I told him I wanted to buy a pack of 10, which retails for $62 on their website (which is a good deal as it is), and so he put me together a specialized pack with one of each of the kinds. So then I asked him what I owed him, figuring I'd need to add on tax, and he said, "How about like $50?" So I was really surprised. I handed him $60 anyway, because I really want to support such a good company.

The chocolate is amazing, and I have decided that dark chocolate is the same experience as with orange juice. It is not that I don't like it, it's that I only like really good stuff. It is amazing to taste all the amazing flavors in the chocolate, and I can't wait to try all of my different flavors.

Moving by Standing Still

I was at the pool yesterday for my niece's birthday, and I was talking with my mom while we were in a mini-whirlpool type thing. I just started standing there, while the current wanted to pull me along around the pool, and it took a bit of effort just to stay where I was. It reminded me of something one of Carolyn's harp teachers had said, that it is when you feel like you are going nowhere with your practicing that you are really making the most progress.

I've been slightly mulling these different ideas in my head, and the realization that sometimes we are making the most progress by standing still, because even though we can't see ourselves moving forward, we are keeping ourselves from moving backward, and we are getting stronger and more ready to move forward when the current is not pushing us so hard. We are gaining strength.

On a completely unrelated note, but since I have this compose mode up and feel like writing, I have figured out that I want to be more ambitious at work. I was talking to my friend at work, Raman, the other day, about how my boss seems like he has no idea what he wants to do with me, if he wants me to be a supervisor next summer or what. Apparently he and a couple others had talked to him about how I should say something to my boss about it. It is not really something I feel comfortable doing, but I am considering it. But I first started to consider what I would really like to do there. And I started to figure out that what I want to do is a little bit of everything. I want to supervise, I want to do home owner verification, I want to take calls, I want to sort out techinical problems, I want to listen to QC calls, I want to help on the manifest, I want to interface with the reps, I want to work on building Vision to be a better place to work for, a better place to sell for. And that is just some things, really I don't know everything I want to do. I have pretty much perfected the small part of the process I do, and honed it down to its most efficient method, and so I want to take more on, and not just be there to robotically do my job and pick up a paycheck. I want to do it not because I really care about Vision all that much, but because I want to be that kind of employee to a company, and that kind of person in life.

So I am still trying to figure out exactly what to ask for, and I have already started just doing more of my own will, and so when I figure out what I need my boss to give me responsibility or training over to do, then I may talk to him.

I'm trying to make an effort right now to really listen to that advice others give to me, and not just gloss over it and do whatever I think is best without even considering what someone else says. And I'm glad I listened to Raman, because even though I may not end up doing exactly what he advised me to do, by considering it, I have figured out more what would make me happier with my job.

Being Adult and Imagination

As a child, it seemed like there were so many uses for imagination, and there was such encouragement from lots of different areas, and also opportunities to use imagination. I remember spending all day long at the pool, inventing all sorts of things, and having fun really feeling like a part of those things, being shipwrecked at sea, then being a mermaid saving people, then other things. I had a different idea when I started this post of where this was going, and I may get around to that eventually, but now I am thinking more about what I miss from my childhood. I miss that, the other worlds, but I think also sharing them with someone else, having someone there who believed in it just as much as I did, and our belief spurred each other on, even though we knew it wasn't real, we took it seriously. My best friend and I were having a conversation about this a couple years ago, and we were at a pool, and so we decided we would try. After a few minutes, it just felt awkward, and we went back to resting in the hot tub.

I think it takes more tangible things now for me to step into that world. But then there is also the double-edged sword of responsibility. My sister and I were playing with Prairie the other night with a Little Tykes house, and I got more into that than I have anything in a while. But I feel held back from completely indulging in such a world, because of the things that need to get done, people need to be fed, kids need to go to bed. I think I want to learn to let go more, to let go sometimes of all the responsibility, of all the things that need to get done, and just live for that little small figurine I am holding, in whose world you can bungee-jump off a house. The other thing my sister and I did when we were younger was play with our animals, I had bears and she had a family of pigs. The bears had a huge house with a pool in it, and all sorts of neat things in it. And they would go and visit the pig family. I think that is something I could get into again, and I have thought about that, and I really want to make a little village of felt animals, and a beautiful town for them to live in. It is a magical world of plenty, the land of imagination.

Sometimes it seems like as an adult, there is not as much use for imagination. There is use for innovation, in changing things, and that is valued, but I think imagination is undervalued. My thoughts on first starting this were to do with the transformed uses of imagination in the adult world, and how it can be helpful in new ways, but I got lost in reverie, and the desire to recapture some of the old uses as well. But I think the biggest use of imagination in the adult world is to be able to imagine what someone else is going through. It is to look at them, and see how they are acting, and imagine a reason for it, and not just a bs reason that makes it so you can be annoyed with them, but a real genuine reason that gives you compassion for them. It can calm annoyance, and rise us to a higher plan of love and kindness to others.

And I think there is a lot of value in imagining reality, in thinking about what facts we may know really mean. I have started thinking a lot more about people worldwide, and about all the hungry people in the world. Some things are so tragic, and so far out of my experience that I can't even really imagine what they must be like. I have read a story about a woman and her husband having to choose which of their children they would have to let starve, so the whole family did not perish. That is something I would never imagine. But I can imagine children whining and crying because they are hungry, and the anguish of a parent who has to tell them there is no food to eat. 36 million people year die because of diseases related to starvation or starvation itself. That is 60% of all the people who die on the earth. I can't fathom those numbers. They are too big, but I can think of villages starving, and villages in Africa, in Asia.

But I can't hear these people's voices. When is the last time I saw a person who looked even anything nearing malnourished? But just because I do not see it does not mean it is not so. And so I remind myself, by imagining what it must be like, and letting these numbers remind me that it is not just in my imagination, but that is really happening on this earth I live on, and that even though I may not be able to help all of them that I can at least start by helping one.

I want to tell their stories, but they are only in my imagination right now. I want to talk to them, I want to care for them. In some ways I think imagination is even more important as an adult, to remember how many desires can be met by simply imagining they are so, and to try to understand what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes. We can't switch bodies or lives with someone else, but we can imagine what it would be like, and I think that is a good first step.

My Testimony

I bore my testimony in church today, but the couple minutes I was on the stand did not give me the time, nor could I convey everything that I feel and had thought of leading up to that moment.

I know that God lives, that He is our Heavenly Father, and that we were reared by him in the life before this one. I know that he knows each and every individual person on this earth, he knows them by name, and he loves them. How expansive is his love for each individual on this earth. I know that He sent his son to this earth, to live and preach, and then to suffer, to bleed and die for all of us. That atonement is infinite and eternal. It lasts forever, and it covers all the ways we separate ourselves from the Lord, whether it be a minor indiscretion, or the great sins that beset us in this life. The atonement covers them all, great and small.

I know that Joseph Smith walked into that grove of trees and that He saw God the Father, and His Son Jesus Christ. I know that it was through inspiration that he brought forth the Book of Mormon, and I know that that book is true, and as Joseph said, that a man will get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts than any other book. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints is the Lord's church on the earth, with the power and authority that come along with it, to administer ordinances, and to do works in the Lord's name. I know that Joseph Smith was just the first of many prophets who have been called and administered in that office in this dispensation. I know that Thomas S. Monson is the present president of the church, that he is our prophet, seer, and revelator, and the one person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys.

How great and glorious is the Lord and his love, to give us this gospel, to give us this church, to give us this organization. I invite all who read this who do not know for themselves to seek the Lord, to pray to him, to find him, to read the Book of Mormon, to live obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel, and find the amazing blessings that await those who do so. All glory be to the Father who created this earth, who sent us here to learn, and who created a glorious plan whereby we may return to him, all of us, the whole family of the earth, to dwell with him forever. He is glorious and bright. He is light and truth. When we seek him, that is what we find. When we read the scriptures that testify of him, we draw near unto him. And it is holding on to that iron rod that leads us to the one source of truth, our Father in Heaven.

How soft the whisperings of the spirit, but how powerful its message, that the church is restored, that God speaks to men on earth, and that salvation and exaltation are open to all. I love this gospel, and I love the truth. I love my Heavenly Father, who forgives so much weakness in me, and who provided a Savior that I can have hope of overcoming all my weaknesses. How glorious and majestic the love of God. I know he lives, because he loves me, and I feel that so much every day. I love him. He lives, he lives, he lives. That is my testimony.

I share it with fervor and humility, in the sacred and beautiful name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Differing Perspectives

When I was a kid, the draw of Halloween was to go around to all these houses, and get as much candy as I could. The funny thing is that I did not even end up eating all that much of my candy. I remember one year I got 10 pounds, and I think my dad was still eating it by the time next Halloween had rolled around, but I had stopped many many months before. I love planning for a costume too, and considering being something or someone else, just stepping into their shoes, but the focus of Halloween never seemed to focus much on who you were actually being, and rather that you were just looking like someone else. I think in some ways I wanted to step onto a movie set and act the role of that person, though without someone yelling cut, or following a script.

I think my favorite part of going out with my nieces tonight was walking down my own street, and meeting some of my neighbors. I was dumfounded to learn that there are two deaf men who life basically across the street from me. I was so excited to talk to them, I could barely sign. I felt so out of practice, and I couldn't remember how to say anything, but I still got the point across, and told them that we lived very close, and tried to point it out, and then described it by color. It was funny because walking away, my sister said she didn't know I knew so much sign. I had felt like I had really not done that well, that I had forgotten so much, and like I really didn't even say that much. I really want to go back and to take them cookies, just to stop by and have an excuse to make friends with them. I love my sign language, and I love using it. When people want to speak to me in Spanish, I will if I have no other option. No other language do I even try to speak that I vaguely know (though perhaps I would use a bit of German if I had occasion), but oh whenever I find a deaf person, I love to sign with them. I want to make friends with that person so I can sign with them forever.

The great disparity in passion and ability, and why there is not such a disparity as we think

Sometimes I think it is some of the things that matter most to us that we are hardest on ourselves about. I have been thinking about this particularly with my sister. Emily has most of her energy taken by caring for her three children, so it is hard for her to set new systems into place, even though she would like to. She cares so much about the environment, and wants to spread awareness and knowledge, but has limited opportunities to do so, and I think she gets hard on herself a lot, because there is so much more she would like to be doing that she can't do yet.

But I think she is looking at things the wrong way. It is not what she personally does that matters the most. I think she sees me try all these new things, put things into place where I am able to cut back on my personal waste, able to bike more, and all sorts of things, and kind of feels like "Oh that's what I should be doing," even though she knows she doesn't have the energy to do those things right now, and that she will, and so much more, when she does have the time. But the thing is, take Emily out of my life, and 90% of those things wouldn't be there. They are not there because of my own personal interest, and my own passion. I don't really consider myself a "green" person. I am just an everyday person who has caught some of her vision, and so make changes for very practical reasons, that can make me feel warm and fuzzy as well. I get my exercising done while commuting. I cut down on the cost of disposable products.

But my real point is, while they are interesting and fun and practical, they aren't important to me. They do not define my life, and I don't feel like I am accomplishing my life's work by doing them. But everything I do there, I owe to her. And what she -does- do has a huge impact on me, and I've discussed the things we both do with other people with a stronger backdrop to perhaps influence them as well. When we can't do the work with our own hands, we share the vision, and the work can be enlarged, and it can be done by other hands.

I like being Emily's hands right now. Her influence on me is great, and I love that it is there, and love the things it inspires me to do. I hope that my passion and vision can also influence others, and that they can be my hands, when I cannot do all that I want to do.