Melancholy

I wrote a year ago about how I really enjoy the feeling of melancholy. Then the song that I was listening to was Apologize. Now the song I have on repeat is Behind Blue Eyes. For both of them, it has little to do with the words at all, and all about just the music, this combination of sounds that inspires this bittersweet feeling.

There is a magic about it. It is painful. My heart feels broken and full at the same time. I close my eyes and breathe, and just let it wash over me. It feels nothing like being depressed, because that is just an overall crappy feeling that I avoid like the plague. It is like I can feel my heart breaking, but feel it enlarging in the process, my capacity for joy being increased, and that new room, that new growth, it is palpable and exciting, even though it doesn't take away the pain of things breaking.

It is the beautiful mix and combination, this rich complex experience, that is not merely happy or sad. It is somehow both, but I don't feel like crying, and I don't feel like smiling. I take hold of the middle, close my eyes, and enjoy the experience, this magical place where I can feel both at once, where I don't have to choose one over the other.

This is why I love melancholy.