All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

This is certainly not the path I would have chosen for my life. Probably if there was one thing that I never wanted to happen in my life, it was that I did not want to get divorced. And so I feel that sentiment that Frodo expresses. Though I do not really regret getting married. And if Janardan wouldn't have decided as he did, I think we could have figured out how to make it work, and could have had something amazing. But I also think that there are other possibilities for my life, and it'll turn out okay.

And so for me, the important decisions are how I deal with it. I want things to be amicable with us. But I also don't want to ignore the pain that comes. So I'll work through it as it comes, and try to sort everything out. I was talking with Stefanie about this, and she asked me if she had to like him, and I told her yes.

Like, I think Janardan is making a horrible mistake, but that does not mean I think he is a horrible person. I am reminded of my experience getting kicked out of our apartment with two week's notice at Christmas during finals, by some people who were very nice good people. Good people are not excused from doing bad things on occasion, and good people can hurt you just as much as bad people. I mean, yeah, if Janardan were maliciously trying to screw my life over and cause me lots of pain and loneliness, it might be a lot harder to forgive him (though I'd still try). I may not understand exactly why he's chosen this, but I can easily recognize what it is not. It makes him a bad husband, but not a bad person. And I still love him a ton, and I always will.

I watched my parents stay good friends when they got divorced, and they set a good example to me of what it should be like. I mean, I probably won't interact with him that much, as we don't have children to bring us into contact as much.

And then I think of the second part of this quote, that this is the time that has been given to me. And I want to do something good with it. I've signed up to start volunteering as a Child Advocate, so I hope that will work out, and I can start doing that. Then I also want to look into volunteering at a suicide hotline, but I'm not sure they have any trainings coming up, so I may have to wait for the fall to start that. And I want to take some classes in the fall.

A week or so ago, I started writing the story of our relationship, as a kind of therapy, and to record it. So I'll work on that, and get through it, and hopefully I will soon feel ready to start a new chapter in my life. But whatever else, I want to make the best of the time I have been given.