Can't Sleep

It is odd for me, because usually I do not have much trouble sleeping, but for the past few days, I have had trouble falling asleep. I think I am impressionable. As in, Janardan's mom always talks about not being able to sleep, and so I wonder if I have more troubles because I am thinking about not sleeping. It reminds me of when I first got married, and used to feel myself getting sick and worry about it more, because Janardan was sick, and I was worried about getting as sick as he was. So I don't know if that is it or something else.

I am also excited about my trip tomorrow, and planning all of the things I want to get done before I need to leave for the airport, which is not helpful for getting to sleep, as I am trying to plan and crunch and figure so I can get everything done. Plus, I am planning on getting up earlier than I have been the past few days, so I want to get to sleep, so I will be rested, but stressing about it doesn't help. I sometimes wonder if moments like this are given to me so that I can understand on a small scale what Janardan's life is like on a large scale everyday.

Tomorrow night will be the first night that I have spent away from Janardan since we were married. I'm going to miss him. I wasn't planning on being away from him this soon (I know it's been a year and a half), but thought that since we are here with his parents, this is pretty much the best opportunity I am going to get to go and do some stuff on my own, because otherwise I would worry about him too much while I was gone, with no one there to take care of him.

I don't know, I feel like I just rushed into the decision, even though I knew what I was deciding, and I am glad I decided it, because I really want to see Stefanie again, and really just want to jumpstart our relationship. We need that time together, and I need her as a friend. So it will be good, but I can't believe that in 12 hours, I will be saying goodbye to my husband, and he will not be close, and I won't be able to go to him whenever I want. It's only a week right? I can do this.

I never wanted to do this before, because I wasn't ready, and I don't know if I am ready now, but I guess I am taking the plunge.

Out there. Into the world. With no husband waiting back at home for me. Ok, well, he is waiting back at home for me. But home is so very far away...

I miss my family

I suppose in less than a week, I will be seeing my sister and my nieces, and it won't be soon enough. I've just been looking through her blog, and I miss them. I hate the realities of our modern life - that we all move so much, and everyone lives so far away, that even if I settle down into one place, the likelihood that the people around me will stay the same is not very great. We are always moving. It is great and depressing to make new friends. I am excited about making friends here, because I will need them, but also sad, because then there will be another sad goodbye to be had. And you can't have it all. You can't live close to everybody.

I'm just feeling a little melancholy.

Blessings of Service

So I offered this service with an ulterior motive, and boy do I think it will work.

Two weeks ago, I met this lady who I kinda clicked with right away. Her husband has fibromyalgia, so we had a lot to talk about from the beginning. So we talked and talked that night. Then I saw her at church the next Sunday, and we kinda said hi, but not talking like we had that first night. I had kind of envisioned that once we were friends, I would babysit her kids, and she could go out and do stuff. So, as I saw this not really progressing, I decided maybe I would have to start the other way around - babysitting and then becoming friends. So I wanted to offer to babysit for her. But then, I of course, got nervous about asking her, and couldn't decide if I should or not. But the spirit was pushing me to do it, so I waited around after relief society -- and I had to wait for a long time, because she was back in a corner, and there were ladies on all rows around her talking. So I waited and waited, and then I offered.

So I babysat for her tonight. And I had met her boys at this ward dinner, so I knew I already liked them. They are so fun and cute. Anyway, so I was looking forward to that. So I had a ton of fun playing with her boys. We waited til the sun was getting lower so we would not be too hot, and went outside and played on their trampoline. Boy did my legs get sore. I have never had such a workout from a trampoline--at least that I noticed.

So we played around and it was fun. Then they came home, and I was saying goodbye, and I started talking with her husband, and it was just so great. Like, he is excited about me being friends with Cherie, and he really wants to get to know Janardan, just because we'll all be able to understand what the others are going through. And like, as I was walking home, for the first time I saw that I was making friends with people that not just *I* could be friends with, but people that *we* could be friends with. And so that is why I am so happy.

So I went to do service so I could be friends with her, but I think I will be getting a lot more out of the bargain.

Writing

The task of writing is daunting to me. Like I feel like I have so much to write, and yet like...like I don't really know how to do it. I mean I have decided not to start in earnest until I get back from all my many vacations in the next month, because I will need momentum, and starting up and not being able to carry that momentum is dooming my project to failure. But I still should be writing, and at least researching for my politics blog.

Really I am depressed because I just finished reading something by Orson Scott Card, one of my favorite authors, and he has just written so much, and has sooo many projects that he is working on. And I am like - will I always have a project hanging over my head. But it's like, more that I just feel this impending doom, because...there is so much in me - and I will never be done. Which is odd, because I feel the same way about sewing, but it energizes me, excites me. I feel like I have so much in me that I will never be done with it - but that is exciting, and just means I will always have something to work on.

Probably the thing I am worried about is that I wanted to have this book done before I go back to Utah, and I am dragging my feet about starting it. So I am worried that I won't make my goal, but it is a somewhat arbitrary goal anyway. I just worry if I don't finish this book by then, I will never actually finish anything, and will just have all these ideas, all these stories to tell, but never actually get them told.

I just need to go to the temple - it always gets me thinking clearly and believing in myself.

I love the rain

Now the reason Don Lockwood loves the rain is because he is in love and nothing can get him down, but I just love the rain. Besides forests, it is the thing I miss most in Utah. And this morning, I woke up to an overcast sky, and was happy that even thought it was late, it would probably be cool enough to run.

As I set out, it was overcast, a gentle mist, but as I ran, I got rain pounding and pouring. It was glorious. It was warm enough that I got soaked, but was not at all cold. And the longer I ran, the louder the rain, and it got so loud that I could barely hear my ipod, so I just stopped listening to my music, and started listening to the beautiful patter of rain on pavement.

Some people love sunny days, with the sun shining bright and a clear blue sky. I love the pounding rain, the sound of thunder, the earth showing it's power. It put me in a wonderful mood.

Honey Bees

I really don't remember what made me google honey bees. I mean, I know Emily has been talking to me about how they are dying. Actually, I think it was the sticker on my banana that said "I Love Your Heart", which got me thinking about bananas, and then local foods, and then how honeybees are disappearing.

So I came across a Save the Honeybees site. And it has this cute little thing to make your own bee. So I made a little bee and sent it to Emily, because I thought she'd like to see it, but then I wanted everyone else to see my cute little bee. So there it is. The product of 2 minutes selecting options. Enjoy!

My Dad is Awesome

About two weeks ago, I was talking to my dad online, just talking about being in Texas and stuff, telling him about adjusting and whatever, and how I had been watching a lot of Scrubs. And I also mentioned how I couldn't watch Corner Gas here, because they don't have cable, and I looked online, and you can only watch it online if you are in Canada, which I am not.

So then he told me he was ordering Corner Gas, and I told him he'd have to let my borrow them when he was done. He said they were headed for Texas. I was online, but it is one of the only times I can remember feeling speechless. I was so touched that my dad was going to send these to me. So thanks dad.

Anyway, so this week has been a drama of actually getting them. They "tried" to deliver them on Monday. We were all here all day, and did not hear the doorbell or hear the door knocked on, but we got a slip saying they had tried to send them. So that was annoying, and then they didn't try the next day, and we reread the slip, and it said it was the final notice. So on Wednesday, we put the signed slip in the mailbox, so he could deliver them. Thursday...they don't come. Friday...they still didn't come. I have no idea how the USPS broke down. I have never had such problems. Just goes to show, maybe Texas is right when they say they are Texas, not the US. In the US, they know how to deliver packages. So I went and picked it up from the post office. I had decided against this on Tuesday, because I thought - hey, the mail guy is already coming, so if it takes a little more time, I will be saving the gas, and helping the environment.

So now, to calm down, I am going to sit back, and enjoy some Corner Gas.

The Diva Cup

Ok...so I wasn't going to blog about this, because I thought people might think it is weird. So, if you are sensitive to feminine issues, do not read on!

Anyway, so I was looking through some environmental suggestions or whatever, and someone mentioned using reusable pads. I thought this was a good idea, and so I followed the link, and there behold was the Diva Cup, the reusable tampon-like object. I was in the middle of my period last time I read about it, so decided I would order one before my next period.

Well...I have been moving and such since, so of course it was the first thing I did when I got to Texas...NOT. So my period kind of started yesterday, and I had one tampon and one pad. So I made it through to today, because I saw on their website that you can buy them in stores. So this morning, first thing, I went down to Dallas and picked one up.

I don't know if all women have these problems with new objects like this, but I had problems with tampons, and I had problems with this. It just takes time and trial and error to figure out how to get everything to fit in well without causing pain to myself. So most of the morning was spent inserting, then re-inserting. But, when a few hours later I took it out and saw my little cup full of blood, and none at all anywhere else, it was all worth it. So, it is now getting toward the end of the day, and I have things pretty well under wraps. And I think by the time of my next period, I should be a pro.

So...I would recommend it to everyone! (Women menstruating only). I would however recommend not trying it at a very stressful time. It was stressful to me to learn how to use it, and it was worth it, but I don't really have much other stress, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

In conclusion, I am very happy with my DivaCup. Here's to 10 years with no more period costs. Yay!

Rainbow Quilt - Blocks Sewn Together!

So I know it doesn't look that much different from the other pictures, but it took a lot of work to get all of those as lined up as they are (yes I know in the picture they look pretty well lined up, but believe me up close, they could be more lined up), and so I am happy that I finished sewing it together last night! I maybe should start working on some clothes, but I keep wanting to work on ideas for the borders. So maybe clothes will have to wait just a little longer, except I really do need another pair of capris here, because pants are just too hot.

Also...it sounds like Chandra is going to be moving back here! So that should be exciting. I am looking forward to getting to know her better, because I really like her. So that should be fun.
Also this update came just as I was writing this, so yeah.

Anyway, so I am excited about sewing more. Oh yeah, and so I took it to relief society today to show as my good news minute, and some people came up and said they liked it. Then this one lady came up and asked if I was the one who was singing pretty. I answered you know, modestly, like maybe. Anyway, so she asked if I would like to sing a solo in church. So I will be singing in church on June 22. I am way excited!

Library Card!

Yay! So today I finally did it. I walked to the library and got a library card! It is now my desire to come here often, and come without driving, and write and read here. I already feel recharged just talking to the librarian while I was getting my card. I think it will be fun to have a community of people around me, even if I never really talk to them, just to give me variety. I would like to get a bike working, though, as I would probably be able to get here much faster if I biked than walked, but either way is great! But, when summer comes and it gets very hot, then I will want to minimize the amount of time that I am out in the sun. So yay for libraries!

The Story Behind my Wedding

Not many people know this story, just a few who I told at the time.

About a month before Janardan and I were to be married, he was going in to get his recommend for his endowment and for our sealing. He had been sick, and so had not been going to church. So when he went to his interview for his recommend, the bishop did not even really try to ask him the questions for the interview, but told him what sort of actions were expected of someone to have a recommend. He got really depressed by this, and the bishop tried to support him. So he called me and told me what was going on, and that he didn't have a recommend. I told him not to worry, we would get married anyway and could be sealed in a year, but that he should try to meet with the bishop again, because he was worthy. So my sister's family, my mom, and I all prayed that he would be able to get his recommend so we could be married in the temple.

So he went back a few days later, and he came out of the interview with a recommend.

Janardan never really told me much that happened, and I am not sure what the bishop told him then of whatever had happened with him.

So today our Elder's Quorum president came over, and he seemed really excited to meet Janardan, and he told us it was because the bishop was so excited about Janardan being back, and that Janardan is such an awesome person.

Today as I sat in my in-laws living room, hearing him talk to Janardan, just thinking about working with him any way to get him feeling comfortable at church, and hearing that this bishop is excited to have us in the ward, knowing those things, I began to understand why the Lord was having us come to Texas. It is not that our other bishops or Elder's Quorum presidents have lacked anything - they have been great, but these are men who have been specially prepared to be able to look out for and care for Janardan, and it is that that he will need as he attempts to get better.

Projects and Blogs

So I finally took a picture of the shirt I made, and the jeans. I don't even know if I wrote about them on here, but here they are!



I had Janardan take a picture of me in this same outfit, but all of his pictures ended up blurry. These aren't the greatest pictures, but they are better than his!

And then I just liked this picture. It was an accident. I had the zoom way on, and I couldn't tell as I was taking these pictures by self-timer in a dark room. But I like it.


So, since my politics blog is geared more for media consumption and is not really supposed to be about me, you get to here about the background here. I finished the big three before I came to Texas, and now that I am here, I am finally going to be trying to do my report on one senator a week. So, this week's target is Norm Coleman. It has been frustrating, though, because I have not really been able to get a good idea of what this guy is like. Everything he writes is about issues, and some accomplishments, but I feel like I don't really understand what is important to him, or why he got involved in politics. So I am wondering if the task I have set out for myself is going to be harder than accomplish than I first envisioned.

Anyway, so I hope I can get a better hold on who he is. And maybe that is just it - that the real person cannot be found, either by his fault or the fault of the political system, or both.

Sometimes the internet is a sad place

I think one of my weaknesses is not appreciating my own skill enough, and so I am subject to two ailments -- 1) I can have a tendency to see problems in others' work and 2) I can become depressed by certain things I do not being as original or new as I thought them to be. As in, fence rails is a common quilt design, and it is when I saw it that I had the idea for this quilt. I thought I would make it something like this, but then I noticed that only the red and the purple would end up being continuous, thus I figured out my quilt design. I don't know why it makes me sad, because I ended up doing a different pattern. I guess I just thought that doing fence rails with rainbow was my own idea. And then googling rainbow quilts, I saw some other rainbow quilts that were like amazing. And I know it was just a whipitup project for me, and I didn't spend even a week sewing the blocks up, so it shouldn't be compared to quilts that may have taken people months or even a year, but I am. Comparing myself to others - that is my big weakness, up and down. I tried working on it in high school, and overcame a lot of it, but quilting like brings it out in me -- this insecurity. I don't know.

Blocks are DONE!

I know it's not the best picture, but I'll take a better picture once I get all the blocks sewn together. This has definitely been less whipitup than the last rainbow quilt, but I like it and it is fun. It is pretty fun. I am rethinking the borders, so I might not do easy pieces, but I haven't decided. But I think once I get the main part all sewn together I will put this project aside for a little while and work on some clothes. I bought a lot of fabric, and it is getting warm here, and I would really like to have some longer shirts that aren't long-sleeved.

Also I went running this morning and I love my Nike Plus! Also, for the first time like...ever. The first few minutes of running, I just loved it. I just felt like I was floating in the wind. It was great, but then it got real. But I suppose if I keep running, I should get feeling like that longer. Right? Right?

Anyway, so that is all for now. I am going to figure out how to get this picture as the background temporarily.

Nike Plus

So I went running yesterday and actually enjoyed it. I also enjoyed it when I went a few months ago, so I have decided maybe I will have to start running. I have been taking walks anyway, and decided that I needed Nike Plus, because it is so awesome. So I went to the mall today and bought the kit, and then came home and made my own little Nike+ Pouch.




As you can see, I can put these on my running shoes, and on my flip flops for when I am just walking around or taking walks. So if I get curious about how much I've been walking around, I'll have it. I am sooo excited about it!

I thought I should probably post pictures of my progress on the rainbow quilt, as I worked on it yesterday, and meant to do it last night, but then I didn't, so I'll post those pictures today. Oh, well it looks like I only really took one kid of picture.


The new blocks are the ones with 3/4 of them missing, but I thought they looked nice in place, so you could see how the pattern is coming together. This is going to be a fun quilt!

Yoga Is Amazing

So I've been doing Yoga for a little while. I mainly stick to Basic Flow, besides the two classes I went to at BYU. I tried a strength class once and it about killed me, so I decided I should wait for that one. So I've been trying to get back into Yoga, and tried Basic Flow, and that was still pretty intense, but today I think I found the ultimate Yoga workout, and by ultimate I mean, the one that will convince non-Yoga people of Yoga. This is the beauty of Yoga. That is what it is all about. I just did it, and I feel soo relaxed. I feel like a lily floating on the top of a pond. So...for all of you out there who have tried Yoga and thought it was not your thing - time to try again! And those who haven't tried, it's time to start!

What We Don't See in a Rainbow

I've obviously got rainbows on the mind. They are just such pretty colors! Anyway, so I got to thinking today, about how the visible spectrum is such a small part of the radiation that there is. I was thinking about how amazing it would be to see a rainbow with all of the colors not in the visible spectrum. But now that I think about it, maybe it is beautiful because it is that rare patch of color. It is the little piece that we have and so we can cherish it. Color is a beautiful thing.

Rainbow Quilt

So, first of all I finally took a picture of my first rainbow quilt:

I really like this quilt. It makes me happy whenever I see it. So that is of course why I decided to make another one. My work of yesterday:

Cutting out stuff for the blocks.

So today I have been sewing together the first set of blocks. There are two types of blocks, so I have been working on the first 15. I got some done before Janardan and I went to dinner today:

And then finished these blocks just now, right before I am going to bed (and I didn't have to stay up late to do it!)

The only problem with these blocks is that they look good put together a different way than I intended them, so I am starting to dream up a third rainbow quilt. Fortunately, I may be able to use the pattern on a pillow cover, so I can dream up a different third rainbow quilt, which now that I mention it, I am starting to do. Rainbows are just too fun!

So I have half of the blocks done, and I'll start on the next half tomorrow. I may need to give myself a little more time to do them. I don't have a sewing table here, and the desk is a little high for sewing, so my shoulders are of course killing. I need to do yoga. Anyway, I should be getting to bed!

We're Here...and have been for a few days

So we got there late Thursday night. We did make it in two days. I got really tired on the way here though, and then it didn't help that we got lost on the way here (cough I won't say anything about Janardan cough).

So I have decided that I get a vacation! What does that mean? Not much except that I'm not really going to start writing for another week. For now just working on getting settled, and getting a scripture study/exercise regime going. Eating has been going relatively okay. There have been plenty of fresh veggies around, so they always make me feel good. And we've only eaten out twice so far. And that is good, just so you know.

Went to the first day of church today. People were really nice, and soo friendly. I think they beat my first Provo ward as to how many people said hi to me, which leads me to the point...people come out of the woodworks more when you need them. When I started going to Emily's ward in Provo, not many people talked to me, but even those that did, I told my sister was in the ward, and so they figure I am taken care of. It was true, and I didn't feel like I needed them as much, so not as much happened. But here, I am pretty much of relying on the ward being my social network, so yeah...lot more need there.

On other fronts, I love church. Like sometimes I think it is easy to take for granted feeling the spirit at home, and so church doesn't always seem that great. But like...when it is a struggle to feel it at home, it is such an oasis to go to church when it just comes and resides unfettered. I almost feel like I need church twice a week to be able to keep up good mood and spirits here, but I'll just have to be more diligent about feeling the spirit by my own actions. It is amazing how the outpouring of spirit helps me feel more compassions for Janardan's parents. And it is weird, because wanting to understand his parents, I understood so much more why Janardan is the way he is, because he is not used to people being self-aware, so he is used to getting information about people through observation and not through conversation.

And I passed Hancock fabric on the way home from church, so I am excited that we have a cheap fabric store so close! I'm looking forward to checking it and the library out sometime later this week (also passed that on my way to church).

So...for now, the adventure is good, and church will sustain my spirit.

Albuquerque

I had a lot of thoughts running through my head as I was driving yesterday, and had a few different ideas for blog entries I'd like to write, but by the time I got here last night, I just wanted to take a bath and get to bed. And now it's morning, and Janardan doesn't want to get on the road for another few minutes, so I thought I'd take time to share some of my thoughts.

I had a little breakdown yesterday as I was trying to do the last minute things I needed to do. I just kept turning around another corner and finding one last thing to do, and the list was getting long, and I was worried I would never get out of there. Plus I could not see out my back window, and I wanted to be able to see, so I wouldn't be as stressed driving. So I just started crying, and Janardan was inside, and he came out and gave me a hug, but then was too tired from standing so long, so went off somewhere else, so I got in my car, and tried to call Emily. I had missed a call from her, and I wondered if it hadn't been the Heavenly Father having her call me.

So I called her back, and I just cried, and told her I was overwhelmed. She said she would be over in five minutes. I knew she would do whatever I needed from her, so I started setting the things aside that I would ask her to do - take a last trip over to the storage unit, send two things I needed sent, and drop off my books at the library. And so knowing that she would take care of those things, I started to get the other things in order.

And so she came over and helped me, then I played with the girls for a little bit, and then tried to postpone saying my goodbyes. Earlier in the morning I had been at the storage unit, and thought I might miss saying goodbye to Autumn, and so I rushed over to Emily's house to say bye, but she didn't have pre-school yesterday. As I drove over, though, I just thought of Autumn, and started crying, because of how much I'll miss her.

I cried when I said goodbye to Emily, and she was talking to me about how strong I was. It was an odd thing, there expressing my inner weakness, my need for her, and how much I will miss her, and her calling me strong. And it just made me think how sharing our weaknesses with each other makes us both stronger, because we can do more and overcome more, knowing that we can rely on each other for help. I am strong, because she lifts me up and carries me when I fall, and she can do that, because I do the same for her.

The other thoughts I had were as we were driving through an Indian Reservation, I stopped at a grocery store. Two things were running through my mind - first, drawing parallels between the people I saw and the Indians in Twilight (I was really looking for someone who would give me a good visualization of what Jacob looks like - didn't really find any) and the second was references to a conversation I had with a friend a week or so ago.

I have a friend Jessica, who is Chinese American. She is pretty obsessed with race (our nicknames for each other are whitey and Asian). Anyway, and so we were talking the other day about how she thinks that white people don't really have much racial identity. As I walked into that store, though, I thought - oh yes I have a racial identity. It was the distinct feeling of not being on my own turf, something that I have not really ever experience before. And it was racial that I felt, not cultural, because I've been out of the country before. I guess it just made me realize that as a white person, my racial identity is not often confronted, it is a given.

It was such a distinct experience, something I hadn't experience before, but so surface. It makes me want to take part in participant observation in a culture and race different from my own. It really makes me want to get over it. I want to feel comfortable and accepted in a racial setting that is not my own, and I would like to understand my own racial identity better.