Sometimes the internet is a sad place

I think one of my weaknesses is not appreciating my own skill enough, and so I am subject to two ailments -- 1) I can have a tendency to see problems in others' work and 2) I can become depressed by certain things I do not being as original or new as I thought them to be. As in, fence rails is a common quilt design, and it is when I saw it that I had the idea for this quilt. I thought I would make it something like this, but then I noticed that only the red and the purple would end up being continuous, thus I figured out my quilt design. I don't know why it makes me sad, because I ended up doing a different pattern. I guess I just thought that doing fence rails with rainbow was my own idea. And then googling rainbow quilts, I saw some other rainbow quilts that were like amazing. And I know it was just a whipitup project for me, and I didn't spend even a week sewing the blocks up, so it shouldn't be compared to quilts that may have taken people months or even a year, but I am. Comparing myself to others - that is my big weakness, up and down. I tried working on it in high school, and overcame a lot of it, but quilting like brings it out in me -- this insecurity. I don't know.

Blocks are DONE!

I know it's not the best picture, but I'll take a better picture once I get all the blocks sewn together. This has definitely been less whipitup than the last rainbow quilt, but I like it and it is fun. It is pretty fun. I am rethinking the borders, so I might not do easy pieces, but I haven't decided. But I think once I get the main part all sewn together I will put this project aside for a little while and work on some clothes. I bought a lot of fabric, and it is getting warm here, and I would really like to have some longer shirts that aren't long-sleeved.

Also I went running this morning and I love my Nike Plus! Also, for the first time like...ever. The first few minutes of running, I just loved it. I just felt like I was floating in the wind. It was great, but then it got real. But I suppose if I keep running, I should get feeling like that longer. Right? Right?

Anyway, so that is all for now. I am going to figure out how to get this picture as the background temporarily.

Nike Plus

So I went running yesterday and actually enjoyed it. I also enjoyed it when I went a few months ago, so I have decided maybe I will have to start running. I have been taking walks anyway, and decided that I needed Nike Plus, because it is so awesome. So I went to the mall today and bought the kit, and then came home and made my own little Nike+ Pouch.




As you can see, I can put these on my running shoes, and on my flip flops for when I am just walking around or taking walks. So if I get curious about how much I've been walking around, I'll have it. I am sooo excited about it!

I thought I should probably post pictures of my progress on the rainbow quilt, as I worked on it yesterday, and meant to do it last night, but then I didn't, so I'll post those pictures today. Oh, well it looks like I only really took one kid of picture.


The new blocks are the ones with 3/4 of them missing, but I thought they looked nice in place, so you could see how the pattern is coming together. This is going to be a fun quilt!

Yoga Is Amazing

So I've been doing Yoga for a little while. I mainly stick to Basic Flow, besides the two classes I went to at BYU. I tried a strength class once and it about killed me, so I decided I should wait for that one. So I've been trying to get back into Yoga, and tried Basic Flow, and that was still pretty intense, but today I think I found the ultimate Yoga workout, and by ultimate I mean, the one that will convince non-Yoga people of Yoga. This is the beauty of Yoga. That is what it is all about. I just did it, and I feel soo relaxed. I feel like a lily floating on the top of a pond. So...for all of you out there who have tried Yoga and thought it was not your thing - time to try again! And those who haven't tried, it's time to start!

What We Don't See in a Rainbow

I've obviously got rainbows on the mind. They are just such pretty colors! Anyway, so I got to thinking today, about how the visible spectrum is such a small part of the radiation that there is. I was thinking about how amazing it would be to see a rainbow with all of the colors not in the visible spectrum. But now that I think about it, maybe it is beautiful because it is that rare patch of color. It is the little piece that we have and so we can cherish it. Color is a beautiful thing.

Rainbow Quilt

So, first of all I finally took a picture of my first rainbow quilt:

I really like this quilt. It makes me happy whenever I see it. So that is of course why I decided to make another one. My work of yesterday:

Cutting out stuff for the blocks.

So today I have been sewing together the first set of blocks. There are two types of blocks, so I have been working on the first 15. I got some done before Janardan and I went to dinner today:

And then finished these blocks just now, right before I am going to bed (and I didn't have to stay up late to do it!)

The only problem with these blocks is that they look good put together a different way than I intended them, so I am starting to dream up a third rainbow quilt. Fortunately, I may be able to use the pattern on a pillow cover, so I can dream up a different third rainbow quilt, which now that I mention it, I am starting to do. Rainbows are just too fun!

So I have half of the blocks done, and I'll start on the next half tomorrow. I may need to give myself a little more time to do them. I don't have a sewing table here, and the desk is a little high for sewing, so my shoulders are of course killing. I need to do yoga. Anyway, I should be getting to bed!

We're Here...and have been for a few days

So we got there late Thursday night. We did make it in two days. I got really tired on the way here though, and then it didn't help that we got lost on the way here (cough I won't say anything about Janardan cough).

So I have decided that I get a vacation! What does that mean? Not much except that I'm not really going to start writing for another week. For now just working on getting settled, and getting a scripture study/exercise regime going. Eating has been going relatively okay. There have been plenty of fresh veggies around, so they always make me feel good. And we've only eaten out twice so far. And that is good, just so you know.

Went to the first day of church today. People were really nice, and soo friendly. I think they beat my first Provo ward as to how many people said hi to me, which leads me to the point...people come out of the woodworks more when you need them. When I started going to Emily's ward in Provo, not many people talked to me, but even those that did, I told my sister was in the ward, and so they figure I am taken care of. It was true, and I didn't feel like I needed them as much, so not as much happened. But here, I am pretty much of relying on the ward being my social network, so yeah...lot more need there.

On other fronts, I love church. Like sometimes I think it is easy to take for granted feeling the spirit at home, and so church doesn't always seem that great. But like...when it is a struggle to feel it at home, it is such an oasis to go to church when it just comes and resides unfettered. I almost feel like I need church twice a week to be able to keep up good mood and spirits here, but I'll just have to be more diligent about feeling the spirit by my own actions. It is amazing how the outpouring of spirit helps me feel more compassions for Janardan's parents. And it is weird, because wanting to understand his parents, I understood so much more why Janardan is the way he is, because he is not used to people being self-aware, so he is used to getting information about people through observation and not through conversation.

And I passed Hancock fabric on the way home from church, so I am excited that we have a cheap fabric store so close! I'm looking forward to checking it and the library out sometime later this week (also passed that on my way to church).

So...for now, the adventure is good, and church will sustain my spirit.

Albuquerque

I had a lot of thoughts running through my head as I was driving yesterday, and had a few different ideas for blog entries I'd like to write, but by the time I got here last night, I just wanted to take a bath and get to bed. And now it's morning, and Janardan doesn't want to get on the road for another few minutes, so I thought I'd take time to share some of my thoughts.

I had a little breakdown yesterday as I was trying to do the last minute things I needed to do. I just kept turning around another corner and finding one last thing to do, and the list was getting long, and I was worried I would never get out of there. Plus I could not see out my back window, and I wanted to be able to see, so I wouldn't be as stressed driving. So I just started crying, and Janardan was inside, and he came out and gave me a hug, but then was too tired from standing so long, so went off somewhere else, so I got in my car, and tried to call Emily. I had missed a call from her, and I wondered if it hadn't been the Heavenly Father having her call me.

So I called her back, and I just cried, and told her I was overwhelmed. She said she would be over in five minutes. I knew she would do whatever I needed from her, so I started setting the things aside that I would ask her to do - take a last trip over to the storage unit, send two things I needed sent, and drop off my books at the library. And so knowing that she would take care of those things, I started to get the other things in order.

And so she came over and helped me, then I played with the girls for a little bit, and then tried to postpone saying my goodbyes. Earlier in the morning I had been at the storage unit, and thought I might miss saying goodbye to Autumn, and so I rushed over to Emily's house to say bye, but she didn't have pre-school yesterday. As I drove over, though, I just thought of Autumn, and started crying, because of how much I'll miss her.

I cried when I said goodbye to Emily, and she was talking to me about how strong I was. It was an odd thing, there expressing my inner weakness, my need for her, and how much I will miss her, and her calling me strong. And it just made me think how sharing our weaknesses with each other makes us both stronger, because we can do more and overcome more, knowing that we can rely on each other for help. I am strong, because she lifts me up and carries me when I fall, and she can do that, because I do the same for her.

The other thoughts I had were as we were driving through an Indian Reservation, I stopped at a grocery store. Two things were running through my mind - first, drawing parallels between the people I saw and the Indians in Twilight (I was really looking for someone who would give me a good visualization of what Jacob looks like - didn't really find any) and the second was references to a conversation I had with a friend a week or so ago.

I have a friend Jessica, who is Chinese American. She is pretty obsessed with race (our nicknames for each other are whitey and Asian). Anyway, and so we were talking the other day about how she thinks that white people don't really have much racial identity. As I walked into that store, though, I thought - oh yes I have a racial identity. It was the distinct feeling of not being on my own turf, something that I have not really ever experience before. And it was racial that I felt, not cultural, because I've been out of the country before. I guess it just made me realize that as a white person, my racial identity is not often confronted, it is a given.

It was such a distinct experience, something I hadn't experience before, but so surface. It makes me want to take part in participant observation in a culture and race different from my own. It really makes me want to get over it. I want to feel comfortable and accepted in a racial setting that is not my own, and I would like to understand my own racial identity better.

Almost There!

This move has gone so smoothly. It is so nice to receive help in moves. Whenever I moved when I was single, it was always when everyone else in the ward was moving too, and so it wasn't a great time to ask other people to help. But this time I have been able to use tons of help. First on Saturday with people moving my stuff into storage, and then yesterday with people coming to help clean. It got done so quickly!

It is amazing to compare my two moves, and besides things being more organized, and that contributes to it as well, the main thing that made a difference here was that I felt prepared enough that I could ask other people to help. There was a plan of attack and I could ask them to do specific things. I had things packed, so people just had to move them to the car to the next place. Then the packed things were gone, so I made lists, so people could see what needed to be done as far as cleaning goes.

Had I not had the help I had, this move probably would have been slightly overwhelming, but instead it was not, because I could be prepared and plan ahead. In December, I got my family to help, but that was all, because I didn't really feel comfortable asking people to help me, and plus just moving itself was taking so much energy out of me that I didn't have any extra energy to ask people. And that is the real cruelty in only have two weeks notice.

A Quilt for Jason

So after I finished the rainbow quilt, I had a friend over (Jason) and he was like - "You should give me this quilt." I said, "NO!" But then was like, well....I could make you a quilt. Thus we began formulating a quilt, and so I said I would start working on it, and would try and finish it before I moved. So last week, I completed the quilt, designed by him, pieced and quilted by me, and paid for by his mom. So here are the results...

The name of the quilt is the Chinese word for Moon, which I hope the correlation should be obvious.


Here's a picture to see the quilting.


And there's the front. It's a very Jason quilt. Emily says that it just looked wrong when I would use it. She said it looked very right on him.


I think it's true.

The Happiest Baby on the Block

So I have been a solid proponent of the 5 S's method, even though I have never read anything about it, and hadn't seen the movie. The other day, though, Emily and I saw two copies of the movie at the library, and we were both excited, so we each checked out a copy.

So I am so excited about it again. I like want there to be a fussy baby around so I can calm it. He was talking about it on the video, how it can be exciting to calm a baby. It is amazing. I think it is the best thing ever.

In conclusion, SWADDLE, SHUSH, SIDE, SWING, and SUCK!

Dinosaur Towel Thing

When my former roommate Carolyn had her baby shower, I made this for her, but didn't take any pictures then. She asked me to fix one of the spikes on the back of it, so I had it back, and decided I should take some pictures. I didn't really know how to get a good picture of it, so these will give you some idea, but not quite.



Oh, and I also came across some pictures of my rainbow quilt. But I still don't have any of it completed, but here is a partial top shot:

Packing

I started packing today, and it is going really well. I started in Janardan's room, because I thought it would probably be the most depressing, but I looked around, and there was not much that needed to be packed. I think the place that I will need to pack up the most is the kitchen, but I probably won't want to do that for another week or so. So I've started dividing clothes to take to Texas, and clothes to leave here. I don't have many that I'm leaving here. Most that I don't want to take with me I decided I don't really need to keep. So I have been getting rid of a fair amount of stuff as well, which is always nice. So packing is going well. Just started today, but I feel like I have gotten a lot done. I feel like if I just do a little bit here and there, it will likely all get done without too much problem. So that is nice.

Becoming A Bridge Builder

I was thinking today about my aspirations to be a writer, and just contemplating the meaning of that term, and the nuance that that term lacks. Well, it may have nuance, but just not as applies to what I actually want to be. I read some criticisms of J. K. Rowling, about how she is a storyteller and not a writer. I decided then that what was important to me was not be a writer, but a storyteller. However, that word to me has specific meaning of performing in front of people, as opposed to the written word. So I was thinking of how to describe myself.

The image that came to mind was of a story being on one side of a river, and my readers being on the other. My goal is simply to build a bridge between them. It is reaching the story that matters most, not the bridge. And while the bridge may be interesting and may be something to admire of its own merit, it would be of little importance if it did not connect the two. What is most important is making that connection possible.

I'll probably still use the term writer, because that is a common enough term that people understand, but when I think to myself of what I want to be - bridge builder just seems a much more appropriate term.

Christmas Tree Skirt

All I have to say is...Dang I do good work.

Samoas

If you read Emily's blog, don't read below, because I may give away details she doesn't want you to know. HA!

Anyway, so today we tried making homemade Samoas (you know, the girl scout cookie), and they ended up pretty tasty, but the carmel is rock hard. We want to make another attempt doing a few things differently to see if they would turn out.

I am also realizing that one of my favorite processes in the quilting process is designing quilts. I LOVE designing quilts. I enjoy many of the other parts (I like quilting on wall hangings -- because it is more of the creative part, and less of the work part heh), but I love to design. I love dreaming up quilts, and just thinking of making them, of pushing boundaries and trying out new things, of doing something that no one has ever done before. It brings me a lot of satisfaction. And on quilts that I design, I have a lot more patience and I want them to be perfect. When I am working with someone else's design, I am more like - let me just get this done (though I feel like that with my own designs that are meant to be whipitups anyway), but on my own designs, I don't care how long it takes, I am willing to take the effort to make it nice. Like my tree skirt, it took me a dang long time to make it, but it ended up just the way I wanted it. I waited weeks on quilting the desert sand, because I was not happy with any quilting design, and then finally when I thought of it, I was happy, and made it. Did I ever put a picture of that on here completed? I'll check after I post this, and maybe take a picture sometime if I don't have one. It is really pretty. My proudest piece yet.

Which reminds me - I always complain (to Emily) about the wall hanging I made that hangs in my living room, and really what bothers me about it is not just that i would do it differently now, but that I would have done it differently then had I not had time constraints. I probably would have done the quilting really nice on all the objects, but I didn't really have time at the time. I barely got it done on time (it was a project for a class) as it was. And the thing is - I don't like it enough to put the energy to take it from mediocre to decent when I see so much potential for how it could be better. Anyway...I went off on a quilting tangent. Emily was designing a quilt tonight, and I was jealous that I didn't get to be designing a quilt. She was jealous she didn't get to just be sewing up blocks. It is interesting to learn different things about us. We both like to sew, but enjoy very different aspects, and have our very own different strengths. It's cool.

My Writings

Hey y'all. I started yet another new blog over at http://flybyswritings.blogspot.com. If I know who you are, I'll add you - I'm keeping it private, just because it's my writings. I'll probably mainly just put on there any freewriting that I feel like transferring over to the computer or that I do on the computer in the first place. I envision that all of it will be fiction.

On another note, I am making progress on Jason's quilt. I finished the quilting today, but figured out as I was sewing the binding on that there are a few places (maybe 2-3) where the backing is not big enough, so I will have to piece on a little bit there before I finish sewing the binding on. But after that, I just have to tack it down, and that will be done!

My mom is coming in a few weeks, and I should be all done with that project so I can work on new projects (or old projects like my trees or my stack-n-whack). On another side note, I started hand quilting my winter tree. I haven't really talked about that project on here, so yeah. I am doing a tree in four seasons. I started with the winter, because that one would not involve leaves. I am going to try out different kinds of applique with each tree. So it should be fun. This first one I did a hand applique with batting behind it (but not really trupunto for those quilters out there). It is my first venture into hand quilting, beyond the four stitches I put into my aunt's quilt when I was four years old. It takes a long time, but it does look nice.

Anyway, so I am just getting that list done, and a lot faster than I thought I would. So kudos to me. :)

Recycling Bandit

When we first moved into this apartment, I called to see if we could get a recycling bin. We could, but I would have to get the people upstairs to actually call and get it, so if you know me, you know that of course this never happened. So I had recycling piling up. I took the cardboard over to the Tanner building the day I was going out of town to see my grandpa, and just ended up with the rest in my trunk. Luckily there was a recycling place in Rexburg at the Walmart, so I got rid of the rest of it up there. But of course since then, my recycling has just been piling up once more. So one of my benchmarks for my incentives is taking the recycling out (for a place like the living room, where it practically had overtaken the room.

The way I figured I could do this was going out on the day before recycling day and siphoning off my recycling into other people's bins. It all seemed matter-of-fact in my mind when I came up with the idea, but tonight as I executed it, I felt like ~~~The Recycling Bandit~~~. I didn't want to get caught putting my recycling into other people's bins. I didn't stop at houses where the porch light was on. I got nervous every time a car passed me. It was really quite exciting. It reminded me of my freshman year of college again, just doing stupid things, but things that are exciting.

As I was driving home, I was reminded of a time freshman year when me and Amy had stayed 15 minutes past the end of visiting hours! Whoa! We were really breaking the rules! I wrote in my journal that night that I loved that such an innocent thing could be exciting, and that that was the sort of thing I was nervous and excited about. Tonight I felt that same feeling. I mean, I don't really know what I was worried about...someone saying, "Don't use our recycling bin"? I mean come on, the people who have recycling bins are the sort of people who want people to use recycling bins.

On an unrelated note, I am in such a nonfiction mode. This is something I was worried about, because I really want to write fiction too. So, the remedy to that of course is to...write fiction. I just haven't really been writing that much fiction lately, or trying to. Like I had an idea like a week ago for something I wanted to write, and I still haven't. Naturally because it would not earn me any fabric.

I bought most of my fabric today. I could not find either of the blue fabrics, and have not bought any of the blacks. Technically, I should not have bought the orange yet, but Emily and I needed a fun trip to the fabric store.

Anyway, so today I am the recycling bandit. Woot.

Caffeine is Evil

I feel old. As in when I was younger, I could drink a coke or Mountain Dew right before bed and have no trouble falling alseep. I drank a Mountain Dew like 5 hours ago, and I still cannot get to sleep. I have been trying for the last three and a half hours at least. Conclusion: I am not drinking more caffeine.

I am realizing today how much the past influences our lives. And like, it seems sort of obvious, but I don't usually think about the past. But now that I am writing about it, I think about it a lot more. It is just interesting to see the different pieces of life that shape you, and those that you discard.

While I have been trying to sleep, I have been listening to tapes I have. My sister recorded stories for me maybe 11-12 years ago. There are just a few stories, and they are funny and enjoyable. And then I have a whole slew (maybe 5-6) tapes of recordings of my dad telling me stories at night when I first moved in with him in Maryland, about 9 years ago. It is odd remembering my motivation for recording the tapes. I was so happy to be living with my dad, and I loved him a lot, and I was worried that something would happen to him, and I would miss him, and I thought if he died in a car crash or something, I would enjoy listening to the stories. Well, even if he never died in a car crash, I am glad I have the tapes to listen to now. And glad he didn't have to die for me to appreciate them. Although...my grandpa died, and I had a tape of him telling stories, and I have really wanted to listen to it, but I don't know where it is. It might be in my room in Maryland, because it was not in my box of tapes that I have here. So I hope it is there, because I really would like to listen to it. I'm also on the tape counting to 10, and I think I was like 3-4 at the time. So it was cute.

It is fun to remember the past. It is an easy place to travel, because you know where it goes.

Embarassing Writing

It is weird. While I am in Texas, I am hoping to be able to finish a first draft of my first book, a book setting up the background for how Janardan and I got together. I have written a very short memoirsy-type thing about this particular time of life. Anyway, and I figure I will try and get this book published or self-publish or whatever. Anyway, and I will disperse it to the world. I have these plans for it, but even the minutest details, I closely guard, because I revert back to the 12,13,14-year-old that I was when these events unfolded. I guess I figure the quick like a bandaid method is preferable to telling lots of people over time.

Anyway, and so it makes me less expressive about things going on. Like the progress I am making on research and stuff like that, because I don't want to talk about it, because it is my closely guarded secret. It is embarassing as all get out, but that is not why I am reticent to share. I spent so long guarding my secrets then, that is hard for me to not continue to keep them now.

As in the reason I haven't really written anything the past day or two is because the main things I would want to write about have to do with this stuff. Sometimes I surprise myself. I don't want to write little things on my blog, but I am willing to proclaim my entire story to the whole world. But it also makes sense to me in a way. It would take a lot of explaining for people to understand what the things I would say mean, because I have kept them secret for so long, and so anything short of a book is not enough to tell the story.

I am nervous even to post this post, because admitting that I have a secret or have had is a more appropriate term is weird. I have felt more in touch with my 14-year old self today. And I just think, oh man, that was a hard time. Since I've been married, I've always thought it has been the hardest thing that I have been through, especially the first part of marriage, but there were difficulties I had then that I do not have at all now. I cannot look at my life now and say that my 14-year-old self did not know what difficulties were, for life was difficult then, and life is difficult now.

I guess today I just really felt for myself then, just like admitting how hard a time it was. I think revisiting that time in my life, having this book to help me, will be good for me to understand my own teenagers, just to cut through and see the difficulties they are having, and I know I won't be able to do anything to change them, but I'll be able to validate them, and say yeah -- you really are having a tough time. It is so real.

And so I am somewhat embarassed, but I am also very proud. I am highly proud, that I did it. I got through those years victorious. Those years were great for the manageable pieces of pain--it was then that I came to truly enjoy that.

Life is weird.