Why Filing for Divorce is much more Exciting than getting a Driver's License

1. I get my name back! Yay Weinheimer

2. It means I can start dating again!

3. It makes what has felt true for so long finally official

4. Life is moving on

Ok, it's not a long list, but really, I am excited about filing. Like sure running all around town and getting all my copies sorted out, and waiting in line is never fun. Bureaucracy in action. But at the end of it all, I'm just glad that I have just 90 days to wait, and then I'll be freed from the remaining burdens of this relationship.

I feel kinda weird saying that. I feel like I should be more sad or upset or something. But then again I don't feel bad, because if I still thought my relationship had a chance, I would be waiting for him to tell me it was over. Well, he already did tell me it was over, and that is why I filed. If I wasn't ready for it, I wouldn't have done it, and would have been content to keep waiting for him to do it. But I want to move on with my life. I want the world of possibilities to be open to me, in all aspects of my life.

There's a 90-day wait period, so April 27th I can go back to get the final motion put in. And in those 90 days, I'll hopefully sort out the rest of the things still deterring moving on...like all his belongings being strewn throughout the house. Sounds like he may be coming in a couple weeks to get them. I am looking forward to doing lots of re-arranging, and some re-decorating.

I feel this like, nagging in the back of my mind, in everything I say, that because I am happy and moving on that I feel like I need to somehow justify this by stating that this divorce is not what I wanted. Am I happy to have my divorce papers filed? Absolutely. I feel almost downright giddy. I think I worry about people judging me, because I would have been my harshest critic. I would have thought that I should be sad, and mourning, and my life on hold, and depressed.

Well, I'm not going to do that. I am not putting my life on hold, just because I am having a divorce. I guess the impression I don't want to give is that because I have changed my views on my marriage, and feel like it was not always the best thing, and feel like it could have been a lot better that I think those are reasons for giving up. I pretty much would have never given up on that relationship.

But being forced to give it up, yes I can see where it had a lot of failings, I can see the things that led to this point. I can see the things that I want to avoid like the plague in future relationships. I also see how I lost myself to the relationship, which may or may not have been Janardan's fault, and certainly was a ton of my fault. I can see how much it pulled me down emotionally.

But I think most of the joy and completeness I feel is the atonement filling in and healing me where I need to, and making it so it is irrelevant to my happiness whether Janardan made this tragic mistake or not. It is the atonement that brings me joy. It is the prospect of a bright future where the atonement can continue to heal and bring new life to me.

I am happy to be alive today. :) Life is beautiful and wonderful. And I love it.

I talked with Janardan today, and I felt this inclination (though I did not act on it) to talk to him about friendly things, instead of just finances and business. Feeling that, instead of bitterness or disappointment, -that- is nice. Filing for divorce was the last thing I asked him to do, and by doing it myself, I took my life back into my own hands. I am not depending on him anymore, and so he will not disappoint me anymore.

So maybe we can be friends. Maybe. We'll see.