So I never really understood why whenever I read about writers, they almost always seem to be the type that write late into the night. The past few days I have begun to realize why. Even if I write during the day (or even if I don't), as soon as I lay down to go to sleep, all these ideas start buzzing through my mind - ideas of stories to write, of different ways of writing stories. Tonight I had so much going on that I gave up, and thought I needed to write something before I'll be able to actually go to sleep. So I am hoping that this will help...
The cool thing is all the ideas, how they just keep coming, and I keep on thinking of things from different angles, but this also interferes with the falling asleep process, so that is not so cool. I have really been wanting to wake up earlier. I got little sleep the night before last, and so stayed up all day yesterday with no nap so I could go to bed early and wake up earlier this morning. It worked fairly well, but it would be a waste if it only lasted one day. So I am hoping I can put on a movie and that will keep my mind occupied enough that it will not buzz with ideas, good as they are. I need my SLEEP!
03 April 2008
My Progress
So my kitchen has been going well. I got the last round of dishes out of Janardan's room today, so I should be able to check that one off the list. I have also rounded up the laundry and been slowly putting away the laundry that is on top of the dryer, so I can start the laundry. And...I cleaned Janardan's room! So that is one thing done!
I've also been working on Jason's quilt and my NOYB project. So everything is going pretty well.
I've also been working on Jason's quilt and my NOYB project. So everything is going pretty well.
01 April 2008
Incentives
So, I have my kitchen pretty much clean, and have been making progress in the other areas. Yesterday as I was writing that list, I was like - oh, it's going to take me all the rest of the time to finish that stuff, and I'll be able to start sewing that quilt when I get to Texas. Today I look at that list, and I am like - I am doing pretty well on it - I could probably buy the fabric for the main part of the quilt by the end of the week. Woohoo incentives.
It is so great, because I feel so motivated, and I am actually getting things done, and my kitchen looks so nice and clean.
Some people may think that having incentives is so juvenile, but I say - hey I'd rather have incentives than have to be so self-disciplined. Incentives work for me, so I am happy to use them.
It is so great, because I feel so motivated, and I am actually getting things done, and my kitchen looks so nice and clean.
Some people may think that having incentives is so juvenile, but I say - hey I'd rather have incentives than have to be so self-disciplined. Incentives work for me, so I am happy to use them.
31 March 2008
Rainbow quilt design take 2
So I have decided that I need motivation to get things done. And my motivation is that when i get things done, I get to get fabric for this quilt. I haven't figure out all the details of what things go with which pieces of fabric, but designing the quilt seemed like a good first step. So here is my quilt pattern, which I will be working for!
Later...
Ok, so to keep myself honest, I'm going to post on here my list of things I am doing and how to earn my fabrics.
Red fabric -- Write Blog entry on McCain (with proper research preceding)
Orange fabric -- well this is NOYB
Yellow fabric -- unpack the house
Green fabric -- do all the laundry and put it away
Blue fabric -- get the kitchen clean and all the dishes done
Purple -- get Janardan's room clean
Black 3" border - clean living room
Easy pieces material -- clean up my room
Black 1" border -- finish Jason's quilt
Backing -- pack up the house
Binding -- choose a storage unit and get the car maintenanced
So hopefully I will be able to go and buy this fabric for my quilt before I move!
30 March 2008
I Love Visiting Teaching
It is amazing how the Lord's programs work. Like today, I was not really looking forward to visiting teaching, but thought I should let these ladies do their duty, so I would let them come.
Then they came, and I wanted to show them all my projects, and got all excited about my sewing, and they just invigorated me about my life, just by being mildly interested in me, and just there for the purpose of being there for whatever I wanted them to be there for. So it was great.
I have been feeling kind of unmotivated lately in the writing sphere. Actually, pretty unmotivated in the anything sphere. So it was funny, the thing that got me up out of bed yesterday was not to write or do research for my writing, but to do quilting, and now that I am out and feeling better, I feel more able to write. The Lord truly blesses me in unseen ways.
I guess I just feel like I should be doing stuff to pack up and get my house ready, and so I am not doing that, and I feel like I should doing all this stuff, but if I just need to sew and read, that seems a lot easier, and then a few days of writing. I think if I get myself all excited about these other projects going on, I will have more energy to devote to packing and the like.
But today...I am going to sew. Well and make bread and food and take care of my husband, as usual. :)
PS -- I expanded the use of the smiley today in TSC (an online chatroom of people who go to Janardan's website), and it seemed like it put people in a better mood, and nicer to each other. It was nice. I just kind of said something offhand, and it changed the whole tone of the room. It was nice.
Then they came, and I wanted to show them all my projects, and got all excited about my sewing, and they just invigorated me about my life, just by being mildly interested in me, and just there for the purpose of being there for whatever I wanted them to be there for. So it was great.
I have been feeling kind of unmotivated lately in the writing sphere. Actually, pretty unmotivated in the anything sphere. So it was funny, the thing that got me up out of bed yesterday was not to write or do research for my writing, but to do quilting, and now that I am out and feeling better, I feel more able to write. The Lord truly blesses me in unseen ways.
I guess I just feel like I should be doing stuff to pack up and get my house ready, and so I am not doing that, and I feel like I should doing all this stuff, but if I just need to sew and read, that seems a lot easier, and then a few days of writing. I think if I get myself all excited about these other projects going on, I will have more energy to devote to packing and the like.
But today...I am going to sew. Well and make bread and food and take care of my husband, as usual. :)
PS -- I expanded the use of the smiley today in TSC (an online chatroom of people who go to Janardan's website), and it seemed like it put people in a better mood, and nicer to each other. It was nice. I just kind of said something offhand, and it changed the whole tone of the room. It was nice.
More Bread
So yesterday I was gobbling up the loaf so fast that I decided I needed to make another loaf. So I put some dough together, this time with the right amount of salt. And today I made the bread. It turned out even better this time. I have been cooking it in a pot that doesnt have a super tight fit, and I would like to get a dutch oven pot to do the job right in, but this will be fine for now. I will do that with some of my excess Texas money, because we are living in Janardan's parent's house.
And once again, I yearn for home-made cheese. I did go to the store and buy some cheese, and it is really good. I love a meal of bread and cheese. It is so satifying.
I think I could eat mainly raw foods and then bread and cheese. Fresh bread and yummy cheese is great.
And once again, I yearn for home-made cheese. I did go to the store and buy some cheese, and it is really good. I love a meal of bread and cheese. It is so satifying.
I think I could eat mainly raw foods and then bread and cheese. Fresh bread and yummy cheese is great.
28 March 2008
Yum Bread
So I finally tried it - the magical NY Times no-knead bread, and the verdict is...
It is pretty good.
There are a few things I would do differently next time, like remembering to heat the pan before I put the bread in, and making sure the bread was more covered with coating, and use something like flour or wheat germ instead of cornmeal. I would also use about twice as much salt, except now I just realized that I didn't even use half the amount of salt called for. Oops.
Here is the recipe: (I just copied it from the blog I got it from)
1 1/2 cups warm water
1/4 tsp yeast
1 1/4 tsp salt
3 cups flour
The dough will be very, very sticky and almost runny. Cover the bowl with a plastic lid or saran wrap and let rise for 15-18 hours. Or more. It won't hurt it at all. I usually make mine some time in the afternoon or evening.
The next day, once the dough is full of bubbles on the top (it will look like bubbly pancake batter when it is being cooked), stir it a few times to deflate the bubbles. Sprinkle a generous amount of cornmeal, rolled oats, wheat germ, etc on the towel. Put the towel in a shallow, wide bowl (this helps the ball of dough go up and not just out when it rises). Put the dough on top of the towel, sprinkle with a little more cornmeal to keep it from sticking, and cover with another towel.
Then neglect it for a while: 2-4 hours. I like letting it rise a long time, more than the recommended 2 hours, for extra pouffy-ness.
Put a large cast iron or ceramic dish (one with sides at least 4" tall and that has an oven-proof lid) in the oven at 450. I use a square ceramic dish about 9x9" and 5" tall. Once the dish is nice and hot (give it 20 minutes in the oven), take it out and carefully dump the dough into the dish. Be as gentle as possible so you don't deflate it.
Bake with the cover on for 35 minutes. Take the cover off and bake another 10 minutes.
For mine, I made it whole wheat, so I used 3 cups whole white wheat flour, and it needed additional liquid, so I used 2 1/4 c. water. I know I should have taken a picture, but I was too tempted to just start digging into it right away.
It is times like this that I wish I had some homemade havarti or brie in the fridge to put on my bread. Oh well, storebought will do for now. When I come back from Texas, I am getting a cheesepress and I will start making cheese. Because cheese and bread...ah...that is the food of kings.
It is pretty good.
There are a few things I would do differently next time, like remembering to heat the pan before I put the bread in, and making sure the bread was more covered with coating, and use something like flour or wheat germ instead of cornmeal. I would also use about twice as much salt, except now I just realized that I didn't even use half the amount of salt called for. Oops.
Here is the recipe: (I just copied it from the blog I got it from)
1 1/2 cups warm water
1/4 tsp yeast
1 1/4 tsp salt
3 cups flour
The dough will be very, very sticky and almost runny. Cover the bowl with a plastic lid or saran wrap and let rise for 15-18 hours. Or more. It won't hurt it at all. I usually make mine some time in the afternoon or evening.
The next day, once the dough is full of bubbles on the top (it will look like bubbly pancake batter when it is being cooked), stir it a few times to deflate the bubbles. Sprinkle a generous amount of cornmeal, rolled oats, wheat germ, etc on the towel. Put the towel in a shallow, wide bowl (this helps the ball of dough go up and not just out when it rises). Put the dough on top of the towel, sprinkle with a little more cornmeal to keep it from sticking, and cover with another towel.
Then neglect it for a while: 2-4 hours. I like letting it rise a long time, more than the recommended 2 hours, for extra pouffy-ness.
Put a large cast iron or ceramic dish (one with sides at least 4" tall and that has an oven-proof lid) in the oven at 450. I use a square ceramic dish about 9x9" and 5" tall. Once the dish is nice and hot (give it 20 minutes in the oven), take it out and carefully dump the dough into the dish. Be as gentle as possible so you don't deflate it.
Bake with the cover on for 35 minutes. Take the cover off and bake another 10 minutes.
For mine, I made it whole wheat, so I used 3 cups whole white wheat flour, and it needed additional liquid, so I used 2 1/4 c. water. I know I should have taken a picture, but I was too tempted to just start digging into it right away.
It is times like this that I wish I had some homemade havarti or brie in the fridge to put on my bread. Oh well, storebought will do for now. When I come back from Texas, I am getting a cheesepress and I will start making cheese. Because cheese and bread...ah...that is the food of kings.
25 March 2008
Why I Wanted a Laptop
I have been so long without one that I forgot what it was like to have one. I justified getting this laptop, because it was my graduation, and because I will need a laptop for writing. Today, I decided that no longer is any other justification needed than that it helps my marriage.
This morning I spent a long time on my computer, just kind of doing nothing, watching tv online, etc. I was wondering really why I was doing this instead of doing something more productive, that might make me feel better. Then Janardan woke up, and he was on his computer, and I was so excited to talk to him.
On the computer, we have easier communication, because it doesn't make any physical demands, and he can have the time to think. I am more patient, and he is more talkative. Today as I was talking to him, I realized what I have been missing, more than being able to watch tv in bed, or carry my computer to the bathroom, it has been the easy and open communication that I can have with my husband.
Today I am happy to have a computer so I can talk freely with my husband.
This morning I spent a long time on my computer, just kind of doing nothing, watching tv online, etc. I was wondering really why I was doing this instead of doing something more productive, that might make me feel better. Then Janardan woke up, and he was on his computer, and I was so excited to talk to him.
On the computer, we have easier communication, because it doesn't make any physical demands, and he can have the time to think. I am more patient, and he is more talkative. Today as I was talking to him, I realized what I have been missing, more than being able to watch tv in bed, or carry my computer to the bathroom, it has been the easy and open communication that I can have with my husband.
Today I am happy to have a computer so I can talk freely with my husband.
24 March 2008
New Computer yea~
Yeah so I got my new laptop in the mail today. Yea~ And already I have had a good experience with customer service, so that is postive. The guy was great.
19 March 2008
The Big Give
Ok...so I have been reading the internets, wanting to read that someone thought the same thing about this show, and many people had similar ideas, but I thought I should express my thoughts.
The first episode of this was great...until the judging. There were all of these inspiring stories--they made differences in people's lives, were able to raise lots of money to help these people out, and make dreams come true. And then they were judged on how well they did at making people's dreams come true. This seems counter-intuitive to me, and I saw in the next episode the repercussions from that. The first show, people were much more concerned with how they could help, stars in their eyes with the good they could do. The second show--people had that, but they were also combatting the feelings of worry over being judged unworthy to continue on. They worried about what the judges would think.
This seems like it could be a great feel-good show, just showing these ten people go all around the country, doing lots of good in the world. But, it just has this bitter aftertaste, that the cost of this show is that people have to be sent home, sad that they weren't good enough givers? That does not sound very inspiring to me.
And in this last show, they voted off a girl who was just trying to overcome her problems from previous times, and trying to make peace in her group. But apparently the judges wanted to side with the pushy overbearing woman.
I see how excited these people were on the first episode, to help people, to go out there and make a difference, and that is slowly disappearing. People are concerned about their image, how they will look to the judges, and TRYING to focus on the people they are helping. They are not being swept up into an environment of love and giving, an environment that could affect us all, and inspire us all to be better and give more.
It is just sad to me that a show such as this has to be tainted by the criticism and self-comparison that plagues our world. It is the kind of show that should inspire us to be better, and it may to some respect, but my first desire is to see this show do better to take care of the people they have involved in their project of giving.
The first episode of this was great...until the judging. There were all of these inspiring stories--they made differences in people's lives, were able to raise lots of money to help these people out, and make dreams come true. And then they were judged on how well they did at making people's dreams come true. This seems counter-intuitive to me, and I saw in the next episode the repercussions from that. The first show, people were much more concerned with how they could help, stars in their eyes with the good they could do. The second show--people had that, but they were also combatting the feelings of worry over being judged unworthy to continue on. They worried about what the judges would think.
This seems like it could be a great feel-good show, just showing these ten people go all around the country, doing lots of good in the world. But, it just has this bitter aftertaste, that the cost of this show is that people have to be sent home, sad that they weren't good enough givers? That does not sound very inspiring to me.
And in this last show, they voted off a girl who was just trying to overcome her problems from previous times, and trying to make peace in her group. But apparently the judges wanted to side with the pushy overbearing woman.
I see how excited these people were on the first episode, to help people, to go out there and make a difference, and that is slowly disappearing. People are concerned about their image, how they will look to the judges, and TRYING to focus on the people they are helping. They are not being swept up into an environment of love and giving, an environment that could affect us all, and inspire us all to be better and give more.
It is just sad to me that a show such as this has to be tainted by the criticism and self-comparison that plagues our world. It is the kind of show that should inspire us to be better, and it may to some respect, but my first desire is to see this show do better to take care of the people they have involved in their project of giving.
18 March 2008
A Can Of Chicken Soup
Now this may not look like seven meals to you...
But it does to me.
I have been feeling very unmotivated to cook lately, and the other day I had a craving for funeral potatoes, so I grabbed the one can of cream of chicken soup that I had in my house, and threw together some funeral potatoes. They were yummy. I was happy with my meal, and on Tuesday, I ate the leftovers for breakfast, but was back to feeling unmotivated by food, except for funeral potatoes. I thought I should go to the store, but knew I was not motivated enough to do that.
So I was at Emily's house, and breifly mentioned that I should go and buy a can of cream of chicken soup. A minute late I had a can in my hands, and later that night I was preparing another tray of funeral potatoes. As I made the funeral potatoes, though, I started a pot boiling, and made some pierogies, deciding I could cook up the potatoes later and eat them at a different time.
So this morning I woke up, and fed myself some funeral potatoes, and went off for the day. Then I came home, and started making enchiladas for Janardan, as I decided I would eat funeral potatoes. I also threw some stuff into the crock pot so we could have a late dinner. As I was waiting for the enchiladas to bake, I was trying to remember things I used to make in the crockpot. I started setting things aside, and now have things set aside for four more meals.
The saying goes -- the journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step -- well my journey back into the domain of taking care of myself and my husband began with one can of cream of chicken soup. Thanks Em.
(As a note, it was a Western Family can, not campbells--I tried to find a picture of one online, but after 3 minutes gave up, and was too lazy to take a picture with my camera, so enjoy the picture of campbell's).
So I was at Emily's house, and breifly mentioned that I should go and buy a can of cream of chicken soup. A minute late I had a can in my hands, and later that night I was preparing another tray of funeral potatoes. As I made the funeral potatoes, though, I started a pot boiling, and made some pierogies, deciding I could cook up the potatoes later and eat them at a different time.
So this morning I woke up, and fed myself some funeral potatoes, and went off for the day. Then I came home, and started making enchiladas for Janardan, as I decided I would eat funeral potatoes. I also threw some stuff into the crock pot so we could have a late dinner. As I was waiting for the enchiladas to bake, I was trying to remember things I used to make in the crockpot. I started setting things aside, and now have things set aside for four more meals.
The saying goes -- the journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step -- well my journey back into the domain of taking care of myself and my husband began with one can of cream of chicken soup. Thanks Em.
(As a note, it was a Western Family can, not campbells--I tried to find a picture of one online, but after 3 minutes gave up, and was too lazy to take a picture with my camera, so enjoy the picture of campbell's).
17 March 2008
Joann's is the bane of my existence
So I went to Joann's today, because I had a dream about a summer dress today, and I was like - must find fabric for dress.
So I didn't find fabric for the dress, but I did find a pattern and a dress that I also liked, so I was like - this sounds good. The fabric was $12.99 -- ouch I know, but it was okay, because it was 40% off.
So I was looking back at my ticket after the cutting, and the discount had not been applied. I asked the cutting lady about it, and she said that it was part of the "Spring Metallic" line, not the "All That Glitters" line that was on sale...even though every other piece of fabric around it was in the All that Glitters line, and it is not like it did not glitter - it did! I looked all around the store, to see if I could find any other place it looked like it fit more than under that sign, and it didn't look like it. There were no other fabrics that even looked like it, just a different color.
She asked me if that was okay. I took a moment to decide, and then said, probably not, and relinquished the fabric. I was not going to pay $50 for this dress...not even including the pattern price.
But, I did find some nice fabric for some jeans and a shirt, so that was nice. Plus, I really want to find the stuff to make the dress from my dream. :)
So I didn't find fabric for the dress, but I did find a pattern and a dress that I also liked, so I was like - this sounds good. The fabric was $12.99 -- ouch I know, but it was okay, because it was 40% off.
So I was looking back at my ticket after the cutting, and the discount had not been applied. I asked the cutting lady about it, and she said that it was part of the "Spring Metallic" line, not the "All That Glitters" line that was on sale...even though every other piece of fabric around it was in the All that Glitters line, and it is not like it did not glitter - it did! I looked all around the store, to see if I could find any other place it looked like it fit more than under that sign, and it didn't look like it. There were no other fabrics that even looked like it, just a different color.
She asked me if that was okay. I took a moment to decide, and then said, probably not, and relinquished the fabric. I was not going to pay $50 for this dress...not even including the pattern price.
But, I did find some nice fabric for some jeans and a shirt, so that was nice. Plus, I really want to find the stuff to make the dress from my dream. :)
16 March 2008
It's A Wonderful Life
I usually watch this movie around Christmas, as many people do. Today I just really felt like watching it.
I got news today that a prompting I followed a long time ago really had a great impact in someone's life. It gave me hope that I may actually be able to reach my aspirations.
So as I was watching this movie, I felt like I was George Bailey. I wondered really how much I have done in people's lives, and as I saw all of those great things that he did, I thought of different things that I have done that have impacted people for the better. I guess it made me think about how much my life is worth, how much of a difference I make, especially to those people I love.
I was sobbing by the end, just because these experiences were just what I needed, to feel like I can really make a difference in the world, that my being here has made at least some people's lives better, and trying all my days to make changes in the world for the better, though I may never be as great as I hope to be, I can still preform great works, and there is that possibility for greatness within me.
I feel like the Lord is watching out for me, not just by showing me that other people can receive promptings to help me, but that also I can make a difference to other people, and how that can strengthen and lift me, as I realize my worth, and my ability to bless other people's lives, that it is not fruitless to try, and that even if I don't know the impact I am having, just my living on this earth and being who I am, just trying to be a good person, and love my fellow men, that I will have a good impact.
When Soren was born, I was so impressed by how much his simple little short life had impacted me, how much I loved him, and how much he changed me, just by being in this world. Today I am realizing how much impact I have had, and it just gives me hope that I can continue, and that if I work all my days, I can have even greater impact.
The Lord does not give us our mission in life without giving us the strength and experiences that we need in order to fulfill that mission. Today, the Lord has assured me that I can make a difference, and the choices I make of what I do when I am home all alone, deciding to write instead of something else that those differences matter.
Today, George Bailey is my hero.
I got news today that a prompting I followed a long time ago really had a great impact in someone's life. It gave me hope that I may actually be able to reach my aspirations.
So as I was watching this movie, I felt like I was George Bailey. I wondered really how much I have done in people's lives, and as I saw all of those great things that he did, I thought of different things that I have done that have impacted people for the better. I guess it made me think about how much my life is worth, how much of a difference I make, especially to those people I love.
I was sobbing by the end, just because these experiences were just what I needed, to feel like I can really make a difference in the world, that my being here has made at least some people's lives better, and trying all my days to make changes in the world for the better, though I may never be as great as I hope to be, I can still preform great works, and there is that possibility for greatness within me.
I feel like the Lord is watching out for me, not just by showing me that other people can receive promptings to help me, but that also I can make a difference to other people, and how that can strengthen and lift me, as I realize my worth, and my ability to bless other people's lives, that it is not fruitless to try, and that even if I don't know the impact I am having, just my living on this earth and being who I am, just trying to be a good person, and love my fellow men, that I will have a good impact.
When Soren was born, I was so impressed by how much his simple little short life had impacted me, how much I loved him, and how much he changed me, just by being in this world. Today I am realizing how much impact I have had, and it just gives me hope that I can continue, and that if I work all my days, I can have even greater impact.
The Lord does not give us our mission in life without giving us the strength and experiences that we need in order to fulfill that mission. Today, the Lord has assured me that I can make a difference, and the choices I make of what I do when I am home all alone, deciding to write instead of something else that those differences matter.
Today, George Bailey is my hero.
How God Loves Me
"You are well acquainted with Him, for there is not a soul of you but what has lived in His house and dwelt with Him year after year; and yet you are seeking to become acquainted with Him, when the fact is, you have merely forgotten what you did know" (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 4:216).
I was reading this today while I was in sacrament meeting, and it just hit me, how far away I am from my Father, how He longs for me to return to Him, how He loves me, and how I love Him, how much I miss Him. How it is not just me that wishes He could be here and give me a hug -- he wants that too.
Today I remembered a little more of my life before, of what it was like to live with Him, and how He would comfort me, and it eases my soul to know He desires that for me now too, that He wants to show me how much He loves me.
It is amazing, and yet so real.
I was reading this today while I was in sacrament meeting, and it just hit me, how far away I am from my Father, how He longs for me to return to Him, how He loves me, and how I love Him, how much I miss Him. How it is not just me that wishes He could be here and give me a hug -- he wants that too.
Today I remembered a little more of my life before, of what it was like to live with Him, and how He would comfort me, and it eases my soul to know He desires that for me now too, that He wants to show me how much He loves me.
It is amazing, and yet so real.
13 March 2008
Feelings I enjoy
My old roommate and good friend Carolyn loves being happy. It comes natural to think that I like being happy, and I used to think that I like being happy, but I realized last week that I enjoy pain, and not in the masochistic way, well, at least I don't think so. I don't like physical pain in the least, but I enjoy manageable emotional pain.
The unfortunate thing is that just as happiness is fickle, so too is manageable emotional pain. The key word being manageable. Put yourself in too much emotional pain, and it crosses over to depression. Depression is not a feeling I enjoy, and yet one I find myself in more often that I would like. I realize, now, why that happens. It is because I am seeking that emotional pain.
I like being happy too, but I don't desire to be happy all the time. There is a richness that comes in pain that does not come from a life of contentment. In high school, it was easy to get these pain doses. Hormones running wild, liking lots of guys, all the confusion that comes with that, all of it that matters but doesn't matter--perfect for my desire for emotional pain. It's not actually the pain I like, it's that cathartic release, but I can enjoy the pain if I can tell there will be a release. It is when I see no end in sight that I get depressed. (As a note, I am using the term depressed loosely--I am not clinically depressed, I am more just referring to feeling blue for a series of days).
I wonder also if that is part of the reason I was drawn to Janardan as a marriage partner, the potential for emotional pain always being there, without his hurting me necessarily having to be the cause. Obviously that was not the only factor, as there were many others, much more obvious, and reasons I actually based the decision on. Just a musing.
I like to read sad books, books that explore sad concepts. I feel enriched by such experiences. They also tend to paint the beauty into the pain, which is the main reason I enjoy the pain, is because it is beautiful.
I guess thinking about the tree of knowledge of good and evil -- I would partake, just to have the wisdom and beauty that comes from pain. It truly does bring joy. I guess that is the difference to me-- happiness is the everyday contentment, where everything seems to be going well, and you feel good -- joy is the rises and falls, the leaps and the crumbling, all the while seeing the beauty of the experiences. Joy, to me, is the pain and the happiness. It is fuller.
The unfortunate thing is that just as happiness is fickle, so too is manageable emotional pain. The key word being manageable. Put yourself in too much emotional pain, and it crosses over to depression. Depression is not a feeling I enjoy, and yet one I find myself in more often that I would like. I realize, now, why that happens. It is because I am seeking that emotional pain.
I like being happy too, but I don't desire to be happy all the time. There is a richness that comes in pain that does not come from a life of contentment. In high school, it was easy to get these pain doses. Hormones running wild, liking lots of guys, all the confusion that comes with that, all of it that matters but doesn't matter--perfect for my desire for emotional pain. It's not actually the pain I like, it's that cathartic release, but I can enjoy the pain if I can tell there will be a release. It is when I see no end in sight that I get depressed. (As a note, I am using the term depressed loosely--I am not clinically depressed, I am more just referring to feeling blue for a series of days).
I wonder also if that is part of the reason I was drawn to Janardan as a marriage partner, the potential for emotional pain always being there, without his hurting me necessarily having to be the cause. Obviously that was not the only factor, as there were many others, much more obvious, and reasons I actually based the decision on. Just a musing.
I like to read sad books, books that explore sad concepts. I feel enriched by such experiences. They also tend to paint the beauty into the pain, which is the main reason I enjoy the pain, is because it is beautiful.
I guess thinking about the tree of knowledge of good and evil -- I would partake, just to have the wisdom and beauty that comes from pain. It truly does bring joy. I guess that is the difference to me-- happiness is the everyday contentment, where everything seems to be going well, and you feel good -- joy is the rises and falls, the leaps and the crumbling, all the while seeing the beauty of the experiences. Joy, to me, is the pain and the happiness. It is fuller.
08 March 2008
Changes
We are moving to Texas. At the end of April. We're only planning on being there for six months. It is odd. The one thing I am looking forward to is making friends with two people who I missed to make friends with in Provo. They moved out as soon as I moved into my current ward.
I am scared of moving to Texas, of being lonely, and not having a social network there to support me. Our hope is that a clinic down in Texas will be able to help Janardan get healthier, and that the burden of that can fall on his mom instead of me, so it will actually get done.
So, yeah. That's the update.
I am scared of moving to Texas, of being lonely, and not having a social network there to support me. Our hope is that a clinic down in Texas will be able to help Janardan get healthier, and that the burden of that can fall on his mom instead of me, so it will actually get done.
So, yeah. That's the update.
07 March 2008
The Sacrifices Associated with Life
Most of the time, I am largely unaware of the sacrifices I am making, or the choice between alternatives. It just seems that what I am choosing is what I am choosing, and not that I am choosing the present course instead of another, or at the expense of another. Lately I have been more aware of these forks in the road, these choices and how they affect things.
Today I came to grips with something -- you can't have it all. I knew it on several levels, but it hit home in a major way today. Being a more frictiony episode in my marriage (birthdays cause higher expectations that are easier to be dashed when your husband is physically unable to do a lot), today I spent the day reading a book, the second in the Twilight series. I was reading it, because I knew it would be an intense experience, and it could keep me from feeling my own emotions. So after I finished the book today, I hopped onto Stephenie Meyer's website, and was just reading through things. I read through an interview about her writing process, and emotions that have been floating on the back burner for the past week or so came to a head.
I have three avenues that I want to explore with my writing at present. First, I want to write fiction--fantasy and just tell true stories with fictional people. Second, I have been having more urging to write a personal history. Third, I want to give people an alternate view of the United States politicians, associated with the blog I have started called Politics by leadership -- found here (http://politicsbyleadership.blogspot.com/) if you are interested. All of these things are daunting tasks to me, all designed to change the world. I have high aspirations of leaving a lasting impression on this sphere we live on. I want people's lives to be different because I have lived on it. Better, hopefully.
A month or so ago, I sobbed because I could not be a professional quilter. That day I realized that it was that I was giving up to be a writer. I could have it as a hobby, but it couldn't consume my days. I thought when I graduated that I would become a temple worker. Today I went to the temple, and realized that is a sacrifice I will make so I can do those three things. I've wanted to be in a musical on Center Street, but I don't have that kind of time when I am doing these things -- another sacrifice.
And so of course looking at all these things makes me wonder how I will ever have time to do anything when I have kids. Stephenie said that she writes after her kids go to bed, and writes pretty much until she passes out from exhaustion. I don't think I can do that. I care too much about getting my body proper rest. I also want to have time to spend with my husband without the kids. I also want to study my scriptures each day, and I would like to keep reading as well -- all of these things that require alone time, which is just not as available when kids are there. Of course that is a concern I need not worry about for at least two years. My deal with Janardan expires a year from August, and then I would be pregnant for nine months. I have plenty of time to figure that one out.
I have a confidence in myself that I can do the big three. But then I also have this overwhelming feeling of how? How am I going to do them? Can I really do them? It all seems like too much to handle. I feel like I will be constantly swimming to the surface to find I still have a few more inches of water over my head. I want to suck in the air, and know that I can do it, instead of this battle between my stubborn knowing, and my pitiful self-doubt. Two ladies came up to me in the Celestial room today because I was sobbing. I am sure they thought my boyfriend had broken up with me, not that I was worried about being able to write three different things.
Intellectually, I do not really understand why I am so concerned, why I have such feelings of self-doubt. But emotionally, I just feel so...unqualified, and like it is too much for me, one person, to handle. But I am not willing to let any of the big three go, so stubbornness and intellectuality will win of course. Oh and that I think it's what God wants me to do.
I get like this when I am contemplating and not actually doing. I haven't written since Idaho. I get caught up in having to make a difference in the world, and not just the everyday task of actually putting words on paper. I think I am somewhat staggered by the prospect of writing my blog entries for Politics by leadership. I am actually rather excited to start working on my personal history, but I feel behind--should have already written about Obama.
I am scared of obsessing about one of the big three now, and forever leaving the other two behind. That is what I am really scared of. I am scared of starting my personal history, and then never getting back to fiction, never getting back to the politics. That is why I must do them all three at the same time, because if I don't -- putting them off until later will be putting them off forever. I will never do them if one of the big three is already there.
Once I get myself started and am working on all three at once, I will get in the swing of things and be fine -- I am just daunted by the task. And I am giving up things so I can have the big three, and today I am feeling that. Not a temple worker, not playing in a musical. Less time sewing still.
I feel odd sharing my "I don't think I can do it" feelings. Because I fiercely believe in myself, and when I think about telling them to anyone, I think - well if they don't think I can do it, they are wrong. I am strong willed and I will do it. But that doesn't mean that some days, just on my own, I don't think I can do it.
Today I came to grips with something -- you can't have it all. I knew it on several levels, but it hit home in a major way today. Being a more frictiony episode in my marriage (birthdays cause higher expectations that are easier to be dashed when your husband is physically unable to do a lot), today I spent the day reading a book, the second in the Twilight series. I was reading it, because I knew it would be an intense experience, and it could keep me from feeling my own emotions. So after I finished the book today, I hopped onto Stephenie Meyer's website, and was just reading through things. I read through an interview about her writing process, and emotions that have been floating on the back burner for the past week or so came to a head.
I have three avenues that I want to explore with my writing at present. First, I want to write fiction--fantasy and just tell true stories with fictional people. Second, I have been having more urging to write a personal history. Third, I want to give people an alternate view of the United States politicians, associated with the blog I have started called Politics by leadership -- found here (http://politicsbyleadership.blogspot.com/) if you are interested. All of these things are daunting tasks to me, all designed to change the world. I have high aspirations of leaving a lasting impression on this sphere we live on. I want people's lives to be different because I have lived on it. Better, hopefully.
A month or so ago, I sobbed because I could not be a professional quilter. That day I realized that it was that I was giving up to be a writer. I could have it as a hobby, but it couldn't consume my days. I thought when I graduated that I would become a temple worker. Today I went to the temple, and realized that is a sacrifice I will make so I can do those three things. I've wanted to be in a musical on Center Street, but I don't have that kind of time when I am doing these things -- another sacrifice.
And so of course looking at all these things makes me wonder how I will ever have time to do anything when I have kids. Stephenie said that she writes after her kids go to bed, and writes pretty much until she passes out from exhaustion. I don't think I can do that. I care too much about getting my body proper rest. I also want to have time to spend with my husband without the kids. I also want to study my scriptures each day, and I would like to keep reading as well -- all of these things that require alone time, which is just not as available when kids are there. Of course that is a concern I need not worry about for at least two years. My deal with Janardan expires a year from August, and then I would be pregnant for nine months. I have plenty of time to figure that one out.
I have a confidence in myself that I can do the big three. But then I also have this overwhelming feeling of how? How am I going to do them? Can I really do them? It all seems like too much to handle. I feel like I will be constantly swimming to the surface to find I still have a few more inches of water over my head. I want to suck in the air, and know that I can do it, instead of this battle between my stubborn knowing, and my pitiful self-doubt. Two ladies came up to me in the Celestial room today because I was sobbing. I am sure they thought my boyfriend had broken up with me, not that I was worried about being able to write three different things.
Intellectually, I do not really understand why I am so concerned, why I have such feelings of self-doubt. But emotionally, I just feel so...unqualified, and like it is too much for me, one person, to handle. But I am not willing to let any of the big three go, so stubbornness and intellectuality will win of course. Oh and that I think it's what God wants me to do.
I get like this when I am contemplating and not actually doing. I haven't written since Idaho. I get caught up in having to make a difference in the world, and not just the everyday task of actually putting words on paper. I think I am somewhat staggered by the prospect of writing my blog entries for Politics by leadership. I am actually rather excited to start working on my personal history, but I feel behind--should have already written about Obama.
I am scared of obsessing about one of the big three now, and forever leaving the other two behind. That is what I am really scared of. I am scared of starting my personal history, and then never getting back to fiction, never getting back to the politics. That is why I must do them all three at the same time, because if I don't -- putting them off until later will be putting them off forever. I will never do them if one of the big three is already there.
Once I get myself started and am working on all three at once, I will get in the swing of things and be fine -- I am just daunted by the task. And I am giving up things so I can have the big three, and today I am feeling that. Not a temple worker, not playing in a musical. Less time sewing still.
I feel odd sharing my "I don't think I can do it" feelings. Because I fiercely believe in myself, and when I think about telling them to anyone, I think - well if they don't think I can do it, they are wrong. I am strong willed and I will do it. But that doesn't mean that some days, just on my own, I don't think I can do it.
04 March 2008
Twilight -- no spoilers
It is fun to get obsessed with a book. It is fun to have a book that draws you in. I like reading.
08 February 2008
Organizing is Impossible
This is my conclusion. You cannot organize your house. Entropy is too strong of a force. Just give in! If you have ever seen the show Clean House, the way those houses look before is our natural state! Houses are meant to be dirty and full of crap. Yay!
That being said, organizing my house is going pretty well. It is just this finishing up stuff that is annoying. It is like, where do I put all of these odds and ends? And how do I have all of these random things that serve no real purpose in my life. I am half tempted to just go through with a trash bag and put everything else that is unorganized in there. That would be a good way to make things organized.
And I am having a party tomorrow. It is to motivate me to clean up the house, which it is doing. And I think the party will be fun, but I am kind of stressed today. I haven't decided what kind of refreshments I am having, so yeah, it should be fun.
That being said, organizing my house is going pretty well. It is just this finishing up stuff that is annoying. It is like, where do I put all of these odds and ends? And how do I have all of these random things that serve no real purpose in my life. I am half tempted to just go through with a trash bag and put everything else that is unorganized in there. That would be a good way to make things organized.
And I am having a party tomorrow. It is to motivate me to clean up the house, which it is doing. And I think the party will be fun, but I am kind of stressed today. I haven't decided what kind of refreshments I am having, so yeah, it should be fun.
26 January 2008
Heavenly Choirs
It is an amazing thing to hear 1000 voices sing together. United together, calling out to Israel, telling them God is calling. Tonight I heard those voices singing, and I sang with them. And as we got to the third verse, I heard our earthly voices supplemented by the voices of those from heaven. The voices filled the room, all united telling each other that God is calling us. Tonight I saw the union of heaven and earth, united in singing a song, and my voice was priveleged to be among them. We had all truly "come to Zion, come to Zion."
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